Unfair

Sweet Pea is learning the idea of fairness these days.  Actually, the concept of unfairness.  Every time I tell her "no" it is met with "Aww, that's not fair".  I think this is an important lesson.  She needs to understand that life is unfair.  Good things don't always happen to good people.  Bad people can go unpunished in our world.  I want her to understand that while little Suzy may be allowed 37 lollipops, as her mom I do not want her teeth to rot.  Thus, it is in her best interest to stick with one.  While Sweet Pea may see this as unfair, as a parent I see this as a matter of health.  Frankly, I don't give a damn (to borrow from one of my favorite books) about what Suzy's mom allows Suzy to do.  It has nothing to do with Sweet Pea.  It has nothing to do with my decisions regarding her and her health. 

Husband's mom is unwell.  I don't really want to go into the details, but she has advanced dementia.  At age 60.  There has never been a situation I have encountered in life that I see as more unfair than this one.  Why should this wife and mother lose her dignity at this young age?   If dementia is horrible in the elderly, it is horrifying for someone this young.  It is difficult for everyone involved.  It would be easy to yell at God and to tell him he is being unfair, and I have.  However, my hope and faith makes me want to believe this is all happening for a reason that is not obvious to me.  Just like Sweet Pea does not understand why I won't allow her to eat in an unhealthy manner, I do not understand why this family is being put through this fire.  It is painful and somewhat frightening (what if this happens to Husband, it is genetic). 

All I know to do is to pray that this serves some higher purpose.  A purpose I do not see since I do not have all the information and understanding that God has and is using in this situation.  I may not understand the why of this situation until I am in heaven.  It may stay one of life's mysteries.  I hope not.  Hopefully I can stay patient and wait on the Lord.  Just like I know Sweet Pea will someday understand why I limited her lollipops, I know someday I will understand this situation clearly.  I will be able to stop thinking about fairness.  However, like Sweet Pea, I am just not there yet. 

Meet The Teacher Day!

What an exciting day the little ladies had today!  They got to go meet their teachers at school.  Sweet Pea is lucky enough to have a sweet teacher she has loved in the past, so that reunion was adorable.  The two new-to-sweet-pea teachers seem lovely too.  Panda Girl has two fun teachers this year too.  One has a son in Sweet Pea's class, so we already know and love her. The other seems sweet and fun too.  Once we got home I started reviewing our schedule for the upcoming school year.  I must say, I was a bit overwhelmed.  Between school, MOPS, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and after school activities like gymboree, we are going to be kept very busy.  I prefer to be busy.  I seem to be happiest when I don't have too much free time on my hands.  However, I don't want to over schedule any of us either.  I suppose we will just have to wade in and see what happens.

An August of Vacations

August was fabulous.  We were so blessed to be able to go on a real vacation as a family.  We went down to Galveston for a whole week.  We had never spent a whole week on vacation since having the little ladies.  It was wonderful to have our big decisions be whether to go to the beach or the pool, whether we should eat ice cream or have candy.  The girls had a great time.  They were worn out by about 7 each night.  That allowed Husband and I to enjoy quiet evenings to ourselves and mornings where the girls were too tired to wake before 7:30. 

Sadly, while we were away Husband's grandmother died.  This was our second death of the summer.  Both individuals were over 80 and had Alzheimer's disease.  Thus, we were grateful our loved ones were no longer struggling with an uncooperative mind.  The little ladies and I went to the first funeral with my mother and sister.  Sweet Pea was profoundly affected by this funeral.  The questions she has asked since have been as surprising as they are thoughtful.  Husband and I did not really want her to think that she will be attending funerals regularly, so we decided to attend Grandma H's alone.  As a result, we took a short, intense trip to Erie, PA. 

A few days after returning from the funeral whirlwind I headed out to Cali with Sister and Sweet A to celebrate Sister's 30th birthday.  It was a fabulous trip that included a meal at Beso, a limo, a new Coach bag from Rodeo Drive and a star sighting.  Sister took a surfing lesson and I did some shopping for the little ladies.  We visited some lovely friends who live locally and met their sweet baby boy. 

We have no more travel plans in the works.  We go meet Sweet Pea's pre-k teachers and Panda Girl's MDO teachers tomorrow.  School will officially start on Tuesday.  Sweet Pea will be going to school five days per week. 

Obviously I have had many posts swirling around in my brain over the last month or so.  Hopefully I can take the time to get them all down in the next couple of weeks.  However, I make no promises!  How did you spend your summer vacation? 

Book Review Time!

I will just go ahead and say it, I am officially a bloggy slacker.  This summer has been full, even overflowing at times, of activity.  One of those activities has been reading.  One of my favorite books I read this summer was The Summer Guest by Justin Cronin.  The story grabs you quickly and does not let go until the final pages.  The novel is set, mostly, at a rustic fishing camp in Maine.  The story revolves around the camp's owners: Joe and Lucy Crosby.  After many years of visiting the camp, Harry Wainwright becomes and important part of the family.  Justin Cronin does a masterful job of weaving the story line through time and slowly revealing the each character. 

The relationships in this story seem to create another character of it's own.  There is love and heartbreak, anger and jealousy, forgiveness and redemption.  There is much more to these characters than and their individual stories than originally assumed.  It is a joy to read and let it all unfold before your eyes. 

The ending is far from surprising, but it is totally believable.  I would definitely say this is a great summer book.  It is enjoyable without being difficult to get into or follow.  The storytelling style is enjoyable and always leaves you wanting more.  I found it hard to put down each night.  I hope each of you has had a summer full of activities you love. 

On the road again

Today we begin our pilgrimage to the Quad Cities in Illinois.  We are heading up to spend tonight with my parents north of town.  Tomorrow morning we will officially be on the road, bright and early.  Mom and Sister will be with us for the fun.  I have packed up our clothes, which is the easy part. Now I need to spend the afternoon gathering up the other various and sundry items we will use during the next week.  Thus, my mind is churning.  Trying to figure out what is vital for the little ladies and what is just extra stuff.  Clearly we need Panda Girl's pack and play since it will double as her bed.  A panda or two will also make their way into the minivan with Panda Girl's passies (for bedtime only these days).  The DVDs will be coming as well.  I have never been so glad we sprung for the built in DVD player in the van.  I am also going to make sure we all have our pillows, as sleep is very important in our family.  The girls will have their crayons and lacing cards and books.  I will bring my kindle and probably my knitting stuff too.  We have large amounts of snacks for the road too.  I have also ensured the cameras are charged and the memory cards are cleared. 

Are there any things I am missing?  What are your essentials?

MIA

Has it really been almost 2 months since I last posted?  How is that possible?  Clearly summer has not turned out to be the quiet and relaxing season I had imagined during the spring.  There have been visits to the lake.  We have been thrilled to host family members we do not often see.  There has even been a weekend away without the little ladies (can I get an AMEN!).  There have been movies to watch and surgeries to attend.  I would love to say that the blogging drought is going to be cured for the rest of the summer.  However, that is not in the cards.  In the next six weeks I am taking two week long trips and one very long weekend away.  Thus, it will continue to be spotty.  However, when I am here I will do a better job with my updates.

I have read so many books lately, I do not know where to begin.  Hopefully tomorrow I can choose one to review for you.  Most have been good reads.  I have even had some variety in my choices.  Of course I have read some interesting fiction, but I have also read a book about eating well to manage hormone levels.  More on all of that tomorrow, hopefully. 

This has been a summer of contrasts.  The temperatures have been blisteringly hot, but the weather has been amazingly wet as well.  Old friends from far away have moved to town while more and more local friends have moved away.  I have been working very diligently to improve the overall health of the family.  We have started eating healthier by embracing organic foods and shunning processed junk.  However, I am currently battling my second case of strep throat.  We have not paid a babysitter all summer, yet we did get out for our 9th anniversary and enjoy a weekend with friends (sans kiddos).  I am constantly amazed by the amount of life we have in our home.  While some of that life is due to the two doggies and four fish, it is mostly the product of two adorable little ladies who embrace each moment to the fullest.  However, on Saturday morning we are driving 1100 miles for a family funeral (more discussion on that later).
One of the highlights of the summer has been Mother's Day Out.  Panda Girl has been attending MDO at this location all year, but it was new for Sweet Pea.  I was unsure how well she would adjust.  It turns out I had no reason to worry.  As usual, she adapted easily and happily.  I have been blessed to be able to take them somewhere fun while I get a break two days a week.  It makes me a better mom to be able to run errands and exercise and just sit on the couch and read without the constant interruptions small children bring with them.  MDO has kept my sanity intact and my children well cared for and well loved. 

On Saturday morning, very early, the little ladies and I are joining my mother and sister on a two day road trip to visit family.  I have a great uncle who recently passed of Alzheimer's disease.  It has been a long and difficult road for the whole family.  Thus, I am thankful he has been taken home where he can be free of the burden of such an insidious disease.  I have been wanting to take the little ladies to visit family for over a year.  However, we have been waiting for this funeral so we could see as many family members as possible at one time.  Thus, the long car trip. 

I am not a road trip person.  Typically after about four or five hours, I turn into a pumpkin.  I get grumpy and snippy.  My children have never spent more than a couple of hours in the car at one time.  It seems I am asking for trouble with this decision.  However, I have spent time in prayer over this and I can't get the idea of driving out of my head.  Each time I consider flying I get a really bad feeling.  I have no idea why I am feeling led to drive, but I do not want to ignore what I am being told.  So please keep me in your prayers on Saturday and Sunday as we undertake this crazy adventure.

She Smelled of Summer

Husband took the little ladies up to visit his parents this morning.  Those grandparents have a pool and a swing set, so the girls love going to play.  I love having them leave to get some quiet time to myself in my own home.  This week I had been trying to make a nap mat for Panda Girl.  She is growing up and needs one for mother's day out.  Today was my perfect opportunity to finish it up.   I was amazed at how quickly I can complete a project when there are no little hands wanting to help (read: drive me crazy while using a machine I do not have complete confidence in using).  It turned out really cute.  She wanted nothing to do with it, but Sweet Pea has had fun playing school with it all afternoon. 

The girls got home after I had finished (hallelujah) and just in time for their naps.  As I was putting Panda Girl in her crib I took a big whiff of her.  She smelled of summer: that intoxicating mix of sunscreen, sweat and chlorine.  On me it smells awful, but on her it smelled magical.  I hugged her extra close and took one more deep breath.  How I love that smell.

As Gretchen Rubin says in her book, The Happiness Project, the days are long but the years are short.  That hit me hard today.  In the near future I won't have toddlers vying for my attention all the time.  They won't be asking to help constantly.  That amazing smell of summer will be replaced by smelly adolescent stench.  While I truly needed and enjoyed my break today, I am aware that this time in their lives is fleeting.  I am thankful I was able to appreciate my sweet little girls today. 

Health and Education

Today I took Panda Girl to the pediatrician.  Today's appointment was to recheck her ears.  Two weeks ago I had hauled a feverish fussy toddler into the office at the end of the day.  As I had thought, she had an ear infection.  Her ear tubes had dislodged a couple of weeks prior to that day, so I had been expecting an infection to take hold.  Today, when Dr. Alex peered into her ears, he was displeased.  After one round of oral antibiotics, she still had an infection.  He gave me two choices: another round of oral antibiotics (which he warned was very unlikely to work) or a series of two shots (administered today and tomorrow).  I dislike shots as much as the next mommy, but I really want this infection gone, so I opted for option two.  He also suggested I put in a call to my trusty ENT to get her in for another set of ear tubes.  She is clearly a child who requires them. 

Earlier this week I wrote our family's first letter to our new Compassion child.  She lives in Honduras.  We chose her because she has the same birthday as Sweet Pea. In her picture she looks small and slightly neglected, which I am certain was the aim of using that particular photo.  She lives with her mom and grandfather.  Neither of the adults she lives with are regularly employed.  We showed Sweet Pea her picture and asked her if there was anything she wanted to know about this little girl.  After being disappointed that this child could not come to her birthday party, she asked the questions I had assumed were coming: What is her favorite food?  What is her favorite animal?  What is her favorite color? 

Today it occurred to me how lucky we are to be able to give Panda Girl the care she needs for her troublesome ears.  There are so many places where she would probably end up with hearing loss due to repeated infections.  She would struggle to speak.  She would have difficulty in school resulting from her lack of language skills and hearing loss.  Panda Girl is my very bright child.  Sweet Pea is smart: asks why incessantly, has a killer memory and is highly observant.  Panda Girl, however, is in a league of her own.  Her father is a Mensa member, and I have no doubt she will end up like him some day.  It breaks my heart to think about how many gifted children there are in the world who can't reach thier incredible potential due to a minor issue that can easily be cured with modern medicine.  Imagine the problems those children could solve for all of us regular joes if given the chance to fulfill their promise. 

While I don't think the little Honduran girl we are sponsoring is a genius, I hope she can grow up to become educated.  I hope she can educate her future family.  We partly chose a girl to sponsor because educated girls beget educated families.  Girls pass on their knowledge to their children.  Hopefully we can help end a familial cycle of poverty.

Book Review Time!

Recently I finished Henry's Sisters by Cathy Lamb.  This novel is about a family of three sisters and one brother, Henry.  Henry is mentally disabled in some way that is not ever fully explained (although the actual diagnosis is not important to the story).  The four siblings had a very difficult childhood.  Money was scarce, security was nonexistent and parental affection was absent.  The three women grow up to live very different lives.  One is a bestselling crime novelist.  Another is a world-renowned photographer.  The third stayed in the small town of Trillium River and became a teacher.  A family situation causes the three sisters to have to come together and care for their brother and their family business, a bakery. 

Much of the story explores the relationships sisters share.  Lamb writes, "Sisters are the worst.  And they are the best.  A sister can be awful and complicated and loving and protective and petty and competitive, and when you die she is the person you want beside you holding your hand."  I found the author's take on sisterhood to be insightful.  These sisters love each other fiercely, but fight bitterly.  They pull no punches when dealing with each other, but always come to the aid of a sister in need.  The relationships are both painful and touching.

It is, however, a bit of a dark read.  If you dislike injustice or pain in books, this is not the story for you.  However, if you can hang through the darkness, it is a really good book.  I truly enjoyed it.

Change

Tomorrow is Sweet Pea's last day of preschool before it lets out for the summer.  Instead of being excited to leave school behind, she is deeply disappointed.  She loves her "red ladybug" classroom and all her friends.  She adores her teachers, especially Miss Kelly.  I have explained to her that she will get to be in a new class in the fall.  She will get to be a "star" (aka Pre-K).  This concept of moving up grades is totally lost on her.  This is her first experience with it and she is unhappy about it.  If it was up to her she would stay a red ladybug with Miss Kelly and her current class forever. 

Last night as I was attempting to explain all of this moving up business to her, Sweet Pea started to cry.  I hugged her and told her that I understand.  We all have times in life when we don't want to face change.  I was loathe to graduate from college.  I absolutely loved my time at Texas A&M.  When I graduated I was leaving behind my (future) husband, my sister, and my sense of self.  I understood my place in the world in college.  I had no idea who I would be once I graduated.  I longed to stay, but I had to go. 

I would love to say I handled the adjustment with grace and ease.  Sadly, that was not the case.  I was lonely.  I (know now that I) was depressed.  I understood at some level that I needed to mix things up, that I was unhappy.  Some people eat (I did plenty of that: cookie dough out of the tube was my poison).  Some people drink (not really my coping mechanism).  Others find a hobby.  I tend toward this latter group.  I got a puppy.  I consulted no one.  I up and bought a dog one day after work.  While it was very impulsive, getting Ally was an inspired decision.  She has exceeded every expectation I have ever set for her.  She is sweet.  She is good with kids.  She is adorable.  For a brief period, she was my sanity.  She is my Miss Kelly.

Allowing her to be her

Today was Sweet Pea's first official dance recital. She had been looking forward to today for weeks.  It wasn't that she was thrilled to show us what she had learned or that she is a born performer.  Her excitement was due to the costume.  She wanted to put on that frilly pink tutu/dress thing.  She wanted to be allowed to wear makeup.  She wanted to look extra pretty.  In case we were wondering, I think we officially have a girly girl on our hands. 

Husband and my date this week was the first time in a while I had taken the opportunity to dress up.  When I was sick I did not have the energy.  I felt like I had accomplished something when I put on anything I would not wear to the gym.  In general I enjoy dressing up.  There were entire years in elementary school where I wore dresses every day.  Thankfully my mom was happy dressing me as the prissy little girl.  I would have hated her to try to change that about me.

Sweet Pea has always been highly energetic.  She prefers to play with the boys because they play more active games.  She would much rather play a rousing game of chase than sit and color.  I don't really understand that desire in her, but I respect it.  This is why I am often surprised when Sweet Pea wants to dress so girly.  It seems in opposition to her personality.  Girls who enjoy active games should like to dress as a tomboy would dress, in my own head.  Clearly my expectations are inappropriate.  Who says she can't run around the playground with the boys while looking like an adorable little girl?  I think she has found the best of both worlds.  Unfortunately, I worry that this dichotomy will backfire when she hits high school.  I suppose we will just deal with the fallout then.  I refuse to make her dress down when she wants to dress up.  I will do her the same favor my mom did me: allow her to express herself with her attire (as long as it is not inappropriate).  I am certain we will have wars in her teen years around the definition of appropriate.  For now, I am going to enjoy the cute dresses while I can.

Confidence

 Having children has left me feeling inept in ways I never imagined.  Until the little ladies came along, I was always able to figure almost anything out very quickly.  I rarely had to struggle.  (Side note: I thought having to try something more than once was struggling, shows you what I knew!)  The fact that I struggled so mightily with the transition to motherhood was God's way of humbling me.  Wow, did that work. 

All this struggling has left me with a lack of self-confidence in recent years.  Working women and working moms intimidate me (except for those who are truly my friends, they are kind and would never try to make me feel insignificant).  When talking to women without kids who have serious careers, I feel looked down upon by them.  I think that I can read their thoughts: "Can't she talk about anything other than her kids?" or "I need to use my brain all the time, she must not need that much stimulation."  Needless to say, that kind of internal dialog is not good for one's self-esteem.

Last night Husband and I ventured out on our own.  We headed to a place full of wild animals, food and wine.  Stumped?  We had a donor dinner at the zoo.  It was fabulous.  We got to watch the small cats be fed.  We learned about their rituals, diets, personalities.  The highlight of the evening was the jaguar feeding.  They are such beautiful creatures.  Watching the dynamic between the two animals was fascinating.  There was no sharing.  There was growling.  There was lots of chasing the other away.  In some ways watching them posture for the food was similar to watching the posturing of my little ladies over a favorite toy.  Thankfully last night I was not in charge of discipline and did not have to jump in and referee the big cats.

The best part of the night was meeting new people.  We sat at a table with other young couples.  None of them are parents.  One couple is still dating.  I am not often around those who do not share my same stage of life.  Instead of being terrified, I was elated.  I enjoyed hearing about one woman's neurology residency and another woman's yoga classes.  It was fun to hear people discuss great food and other worthwhile charitable causes.  I was surprised that I could relate to everyone there.  While I know they could not understand my life, I didn't feel the need to prove anything.  I actually had confidence in myself again.  I did not feel less than any of them due to my choice to stay home and raise our kids full time.  We even exchanged information with one of the women to get together at another date.  The best part is the fact that we will see these people again at another function.  Hopefully this is the start of a trend.  Self-confidence, how I have missed you.

Sharing

I feel as if I spend half of my time reminding the little ladies to share.  Many mornings I am tempted to don a black and white striped jersey to make my job as referee official.  Panda Girl, as a second child, is a sharing champion.  There are very few things she objects to sharing with Sweet Pea.  Sweet Pea, on the other hand, is a true first child.  She wants to share nothing with her little sister.  Nothing.  Sadly, this behavior is payback from my own childhood. I too was a true first child in this regard. 

I live with a pack rat.  As a reformed pack rat myself, I understand the internal dialog Husband has regarding his stuff: "What if I need it some day?" or "I may be able to fix this." or "The girls could play with this.".  Living with Husband has cured my need to keep things.  I have learned to let go of any emotional attachment I have to a particular candy dish or an unworn sweater.  It has been liberating to be able to shed our stuff. 

This weekend we had a garage sale.  Several items were sold and we made some real money.  I had multiple huge bags of baby clothes.  Husband and I have already decided that two little ladies are plenty of kiddos for us.  Therefore, it was time to let go of the adorable newborn sleepers my girls wore as babies.  I took out one outfit I really liked from each of them and put the rest out for sale.  Several items did sell, however we still had bags upon bags remaining in our yard at the end of the day.  I was very temped to rifle through those bags and take out a few more choice pieces.  However, I knew where that path would lead: putting all of it back up in the attic to collect dust.  So, before I could change my mind I loaded up the minivan and took it all down the street to the local crisis pregnancy center.

The car was full to overflowing with baby clothes, maternity clothes, blankets, diaper bags, etc.  I wanted those items to be put to good use.  So I chose the pregnancy center.  They counsel women to have their babies and either keep them or put them up for adoption.  They do not advocate or give referrals for abortions.  Since their philosophy fits nicely with my own, I felt comfortable donating our old things to them.  To say the workers were shocked at the volume of stuff I was donating is an understatement.  I was almost ashamed at how much our girls had at an age where they could not possibly appreciate it all.  However, putting that aside it is great to know there are women in need who will benefit from my overspending.  I truly hope they enjoy some of the adorable outfits my girls hardly wore. 

See, there is hope.  First children can learn to share after all.

Mother's Day

What a crazy weekend.  Sweet Pea had her first friend sleepover.  Her friends, ER and AC, spent the night Friday night.  The girls' mom and I were college roommates and had planned a garage sale together.  All three girls slept in Sweet Pea's room together.  She was ecstatic.  She gave them her stuffed animals (so they would feel comfortable).  She even willingly gave up all movie selection privileges to her friends during the garage sale the next day.  I was pleasantly surprised with how much she enjoyed her friends.  It was adorable.  It was also a huge realization that she is growing up more everyday. 

Sunday we got up early.  Husband had arranged for us to attend our local zoo's Sea Lion breakfast.  They had a hot breakfast for us and the sea lions put on a show.  The trainers were on hand to answer questions about their animals.  They were adorable.  It was very fun for all of us.  It was even a cool morning, which is rare around here these days.  After we walked the zoo a while longer Husband dropped me off at home and ventured out to the suburbs to visit his mother.  I had been feeling under the weather all weekend, so I truly enjoyed the quiet time in our home.  Later we went out to dinner with my family.  All in all it was a lovely Mother's Day.  I hope you enjoyed yours as much as I enjoyed mine.

Time

Quick question:  So where, exactly did Spring go?  It seems as it was January, Sweet Pea's birthday, and then I blinked.  Suddenly it is May.  Um, wow.  Sweet Pea only has two more weeks of school.  One of those weeks is short too.  I don't know how this happened.  Is life going to keep passing me by?  Every year is moving faster.  However, the days do not seem any shorter.  Gretchen Rubin has Four Splendid Truths.  My favorite is: The days are long, but the years are short.  I would suggest that each year is shorter than the last.  In some ways the fast pace is comforting.  It helps me realize most issues pass with time.  Waiting things out has become much easier.  Patience is in larger supply. 

Some of you know I want to be trained to be a postpartum doula.  I have decided to wait a year before pursuing my goal.  I want to wait until Panda Girl is in school more so I won't be missing out on this fun time with her.  Sweet Pea is going to start a five day school week next year.  Panda Girl will only attend two days/week.  Thus, leaving me three days per week to have one-on-one time with Panda Girl.  I have never had that much time with her and I am beyond excited.  I know I am going to enjoy our days together immensely and I don't want to miss that.  The following year Panda Girl will be attending three days a week.  I feel as if that is a good time to start training for an interesting new career. 

Being a doula is not at all what I thought I would do with my life.  I had always considered myself to be a "math" or numbers person.  However, I think what I really enjoy is problem solving.  I like to think of new ways to deal with issues.  Since I had a myriad of issues in my early years as a mother, I feel uniquely equipped to help other new moms. 

While I would love to start my training today, I can easily wait until next year.  I know it will come sooner than I realize. 

Book Review Time!

I am going to lump two books together today.  I recently read both of Mia King's books that chronicle the life of Deidre McIntosh: Good Things and Table Manners.  Deidre is a forty year old single woman with her own successful local television show, Live Simple.  She has a wonderful apartment which she shares with her best friend, Will.  She loves her life and would not change a thing.  Then, at the beginning of the first novel, everything changes. 

Deidre finds herself living in a shack in a tiny town called Jacob's Point, OR.  She is escaping her life in Seattle and hoping to build a new one.  The story is far from unusual.  It is even predictable in many ways.  However, it is uplifting and enjoyable to read.  The plot is even engrossing at times.  I was in the mood for light reading after tackling some pretty heavy novels lately, and these filled the bill beautifully. 

Especially if you consider the two books together, the characters are everything from heroic to hopelessly flawed.  I loved getting to know each one of them.  The second novel leaves off at a good point to finish out that segment of Deidre's story.  However, there is more that can be written.  I can't wait to see where Ms. King takes us next.

Rest

Do you ever feel like your life is a constant series of loose ends?  I can't seem to finish anything up lately.  Unfortunately, new priorities keep getting dumped in my lap.  In January or February I decided to have a yard sale.  The original date for the aforementioned sale was April 24.  There was no way I could pull that off with The Great Stomach Ache of 2010 in full swing on that date.  So, it got pushed back to this Saturday.  I still have not sorted through everything, yet there is no way I can postpone this any more.  Sweet Pea has her ballet recital next weekend and preschool is almost done for the year.  Somehow it has already been two months since I had a hair cut (mine is short, thus the need to cut frequently is great).  I can't remember the last time my house had a really good scrubbing, and I don't want to figure it out either.  I know that would just lead to feeling grossed out. 

This past weekend I packed up the little ladies and took them an hour north to visit my parents.  Husband stayed home, ostensibly work on the house.  However, when I called on Saturday he was at a crawfish boil, ahem.  Anyway, it is fun to visit the grandparents and all but it is exhausting.  The first night we were there I may have slept 4 hours, maybe.  I have yet to recover.  I put the little ladies down for naps today and I nestled in to read (shocking, I know).  The next thing I knew I was hearing Panda Girl cry and I was totally confused.  I thought it was morning.  I had slept so soundly that I woke completely disoriented.  A cup of coffee later I am still sluggish.  Sometimes I wonder why I decide to do things that I know will be tiring just before an especially busy week.  Why do I expect to be superwoman?

Anyway, this superwoman is going to spend the evening on the couch and go to bed early.  Hopefully that will give me the energy I need to get through this insane week.  Here's the thing: there are lots of fun things to look forward to this week.  I do not want to be dreading it.  On Friday, Husband and I are having lunch with a development director at the zoo because they want our input on fun activities for those who give charitably.  How can I not look forward to someone wanting MY opinion?  I have always LOVED to give input, even when it is unsolicited and unwelcome.  This guy actually asked us to think about ways to have fun at the zoo.  A sweet college roommate is doing the garage sale with me on Saturday.  Her sweet girls are around the same ages as my little ladies.  Thus, all three of them are spending the night on Friday.  I am so excited.  It is the first slumber party for my girls and I know they will have a blast.  Plus, I get to catch up with one of my favorite people.  Then on Mother's Day, we are going to have breakfast with the sea lions at the zoo.  We get to help feed them and have photos taken with them.  For some people this would be a nightmare, but for me it is pure heaven on Earth.  What a fabulous Mother's Day gift. 

All this to say, I need to rest up so I can truly enjoy what is to come.  I do not want to miss out on any of the fun activities coming my way.  So, I need to go sleep. 

Panda Girl Update

Last week I took the little ladies to the pediatrician for Panda Girl's well child exam.  Since she is still experiencing acid reflux, Dr. Alex suggested testing her for food allergies and celiac disease.  Today I got the call with the results: she is clear.  No food allergies.  No celiac disease.  We will have to retest for celiac in a few years, but for now we do not need to put her on a special diet.  I am thrilled.  This is such an answered prayer.  Now I feel like I can focus on other things, like cleaning this house enough so that the people in the jump suits and crazy helmets don't seal off the house and prevent entry due to it becoming a toxic waste sight!

Book Review Time!

I read a wonderful book last week: The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom.  This is a story about a white indentured servant named Lavinia.  She is orphaned on a transcontinental journey from Ireland.  The ship's captain takes her in and she lives with the black slaves on his plantation in Virginia.  As Lavinia grows up she is surrounded by heartbreak, pain, fear and abuse. 

Each character is beautifully developed.  The author created incredible strength and bitter weaknesses within each character.  While I could not personally relate to the issues presented, since the novel takes place in the late 1800s, I appreciated the way each character responded to the difficult circumstances presented in the story.  They respond genuinely to the heartbreak and abuse rained on them.   

The story is masterfully crafted.  The plot is not contrived or unbelievable.  I laughed, I cried, I got angry.  I am certain I could not do the story justice, no matter how I praise it.  Please know I truly loved this novel and I plan to read it again in the future.  It was simply wonderful. 

Wow, that was rough

I ended my evening by eating gluten-free cookies and drinking dessert wine.  It was wonderful to veg on the couch in front of the television accompanied by my two favorite vices: cookies and wine.  Sadly, the gluten-free cookies I made out of the box were disappointing.  Luckily wine is gluten-free so at least one of my favorite things is staying the same.  I have not had a need for a night like this for a while.  Grated, it was tough when I was in pain. However, I had narcotics to bring me some relief.  Thus, the gluttonous evenings were averted.  However, tonight my pain is more emotional, which makes it much more difficult assuage. 

We had Panda Girl's well child visit today.  Normally these are relatively uneventful trips to the doctor.  Dr. Alex asked me if I had any concerns.  I mentioned that Panda Girl is still needing her reflux meds twice a day.  We have tried taking her off of them several times in her short life, but have never been successful.  She is always miserable off the meds, thus making her parents miserable in the process.  Most children outgrow reflux by about six months of age.  Sweet Pea was about fourteen months when she was finally able to be taken off her medication.  So, I had not been worried until recently. 

Dr. Alex agreed that mine was a valid concern.  He had a couple suggestions of tests we had not run on her yet.  He wanted to do a blood test for food allergies and celiac.  I almost fell out of my chair in that moment.  I had not yet mentioned my current gluten-free status.  I sat there staring at him for a moment.  Then I pulled it together and mentioned my recent issues.  Then he stunned me: our pediatrician has celiac disease.  He went  on to suggest the best brands of foods and the most gluten-friendly restaurants he had found in his two years of living with his diagnosis.  He also assured me it was well worth the sacrifice because he feels much better.  I was relieved to find someone I know and trust with my disease.  While I am not close friends with this man, I do feel that if I had any questions he would be more than happy to answer them for me.  I do not believe in coincidences, so I feel blessed that God guided me to him over four years ago when we were searching for a doctor for Sweet Pea. 

After more discussion around Panda Girl's development, he sent me off to get blood work done on both girls (he recommended testing Sweet Pea for celiac as well).  It wasn't until the nurses called us into a separate room from the in-house lab that I realized this was going to be much harder than I expected.  They needed to collect at least one full vial of blood from each little lady.  Not fun.  I had Sweet Pea go first because I thought she would be better able to calm down quickly after the trauma.  The nurses found her vein quickly and we had her off the table and away from the offending needle in record time.  She calmed down pretty quickly, but she is Sweet Pea so she was dramatic about the whole situation.  At that point I hoped the worst was over.  Oh was I wrong.

I picked up a worried Panda Girl and placed her on the table.  She started to cry, but she did lie down for me.  The nurses then proceeded to search for a vein they could use.  They had no luck with the right arm.  They suggested trying the left arm instead.  So we proceeded with the left arm.  Sadly Panda Girl is tiny and her veins like to be "slippery".  Apparently slippery means we had to torture Panda Girl to get any blood from her.  She never flinched.  She stayed still.  She cried, but she was amazingly brave as the nurse dug around in her arm for that evasive vein.  In the end we hoped we got enough blood.  We may have to go back, but I didn't want to traumatize her any more than necessary.  We went back to the lab where she did have to have a needle stick to have a CBC, but it was over quickly and she was proudly carrying around her lollipop when we left. 

At home I treated the little ladies to a lunch of greek yogurt with chocolate chips added as a fun treat.  I also spoiled them with some chocolate milk.  After they were in bed for their naps my phone rang.  The nurse at Dr Alex's office needed the phone number of the pharmacy I use.  Evidently, Panda Girl is anemic.  Sigh.  Fantastic.  Now in addition to her twice daily prevacid doses, she needs iron supplementation.  We will start that tomorrow.  Poor baby.

Since Panda Girl needed so much attention today, Sweet Pea threw several temper tantrums and refused to go to bed tonight.  Thus, by the end of the day I was done.  I could barely look at Sweet Pea without wanting to yell at her and I could barely look at Panda Girl without wanting to cry.  Therefore, in lieu of the yelling and the crying I chose wine and cookies.  While not the best choice for my waistline, it was the best choice for my psyche.

Book Review Time!

I have been busy reading lately.  I have had lots of time in the last month where all I could do was lay down to try to escape my pain.  During that time I read an amazing book, Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.  This is Verghese's first novel but not his first literary endeavor.  He has also written a couple of memoirs.  Let me tell you, I am wanting to go read those memoirs right now.  He is an amazing writer who can use words to convey difficult concepts simply and concisely.  One example I highlighted, "The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don't.  If you keep saying your slippers aren't yours, then you'll die searching, you'll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more."  As I wrote, he has a way with words.

The basic story follows the main character, Marion, from birth to adulthood.  His is a story of abandonment, heartbreak, anger and sadness.  He is richly drawn in a way that allows you feel you truly understand him.  You may not always agree with him or like him, but you understand him.  His character was not the only well developed one. I felt that all the characters were described beautifully and thoroughly.

The story has an element of mystery.  There are some parts of the plot you must wait until the author allows them to unfold naturally.  No part of the story felt forced or unbelievable.  In many ways this is historical fiction.  However, the author does not feel confined by actual history in all situations.  There is a coup that is based on an actual event, however the timeline is vastly different from history.  Thus, this is not a book to read to learn about the history of Ethiopia.  However, it is an amazing story and a fabulous book.  I highly, highly recommend this book.

Update on Gluten

I know many of you are bored to tears of me talking about my tummy problems.  Sorry, I have had some people ask to be kept aprised of the situation and this is the easiest way to get the message out to the masses.  I have been gluten-free for a couple of days now.  Wow, what a difference.  My intense tummy pain is gone.  I have not needed a single pain pill.  My energy is way up.  I had been barely making it to nap time before I would also crash into a sounds sleep every day.  The last two days I have not needed one.  I even had energy to spare last night.  Thus, I believe my quest to find out what is wrong has come to a conclusion.  I have no idea what the biopsy results are from Thursday, but I feel so much better that it does not even matter.  I will be off gluten from here on out.  There are many things I will miss, but my massive pain is not one of those things.  I did find a gluten free bakery in town.  I am thrilled.  The proprietor also offers services where she will help you learn how to eat gluten-free.  I sent her an email and I hope she will be able to help as she offered.  I truly need a mentor on this culinary journey.

Pondering Panda Girl

Today I am recuperating from my upper endoscopy and trying to start eating gluten-free.  My goal today was to be productive, but not have to exert too much.  I looked at my desk, leaden with paperwork, and saw the preschool enrollment forms I have been ignoring.  I decided today was the perfect opportunity to conquer the mountain.  I signed all the requisite safety forms.  Filled out the directory information for both little ladies.  Then I got to the questionnaire asking specific information about each little lady.  It is extensive.  I filled it out last year for Sweet Pea.  Thus I had spent time last year pondering the intricacies of her personality.  I had explored her idiosyncrasies and dutifully written copious explanations regarding her unique traits.  So, this year I simply filled it out in a similar way with just a few changes based on the ways she has matured.  For example, this year I added Sweet Pea's preference to play with the boys.  I also made sure to emphasize the fact that she will not eat well while at school.  This particular quirk caused her current teachers some concern and I don't want her new teachers to worry about her going hungry. 

However, I had never analyzed Panda Girl in the ways I pondered my first born.  I suppose that is the way we all are with our later children.  Who has the time to spend pouring over every little detail of a second child?  We are too busy keeping her and her older sister alive to have a spare moment for such a luxury.  Today, however, it was necessary that I turn all my focus onto Panda Girl and think about her special little self.  At first the only way I thought to describe her was as happy and easy going.  While these are true statements about her, certainly I could come up with something more insightful?  I thought about how she spends her time.  She loves to dance.  She loves to read.  She learns amazingly fast.  I realized I have a concern about school: I am concerned that she will not get the attention she deserves at school.  She is so happy and so easy I fear she will fade into the background.  Teachers seem to be consumed by those who are not well disciplined or seem to be the loudest.  I pray Panda Girl will get the attention she needs to continue to learn and grow.

In the past I would not have written this worry down on the form.  I would have brushed it off and told myself that I was being unfair to the teachers.  However, today I realized that since she has yet to start school I am simply writing it as a concern.  At this point my concern is not singling anyone out for not taking proper care of my baby.  I allowed myself to realize that my opinion is valid.  I pray her teachers do not think I have overstepped my boundaries.  I pray they understand I am simply a concerned parent.

I must admit it was fun to think about just Panda Girl for a bit.  She is every bit as important to me as her elder, and louder, sister.  I am in awe of her.  She is amazing and I pray she knows that while she has not had the individual attention her sister has enjoyed she is a blessing from above.

Book Review Time!

Recently I read the book Mommy Tracked by Whitney Gaskell.  This is a "mommy lit" book.  It has some interesting characters and story lines.  However, it is a mindless read at best.  If looking for a light read, I would look elsewhere.  Sorry, just my opinion. 

Panda Girl is Two!

Today Panda Girl is two.  She is my delight.  She is a sweet child with a contagious smile.  Panda Girl is the happiest child I have ever known.  We went to visit her Nana at the hospital this summer, and she found a way to have fun.  I had no idea how much excitement a hospital chair contained until that day.  She brings more laughter and smiles to our faces than I knew possible.  We are blessed to have her in our home every day.  Panda Girl is incredibly coordinated. She has amazing motor skills. She loves it when we read to her. She taught herself the alphabet. She is bright and sweet.

Her favorite things are, of course, pandas.  Today she got a new stuffed panda, a panda necklace and a panda shirt.  She was thrilled with them all.  She also loves Sesame Street.  She was thrilled with her new Abby, Zoe, Grovers, Cookie Monster, and Big Bird.  She loves chocolate and pizza.  She loves to color and paint.  Her favorite part of the day is bath time.  Sweet Pea is her best friend.  Panda Girl copies her every move, parrots her every word. 

I pray she continues to love us the way she does now.  I will always continue to love her more and more.  She will always bring me joy.  She will always be my baby. 

Update on Gluten

Yesterday I ate a bunch of wheat, in the form of blueberry muffins.  I love those whole grain muffins and knew I needed to get them out of the pantry while I was supposed to be eating gluten.  The result?  Extreme pain and nausea most of the night.  It is looking like a diagnosis of celiac disease is in my future.  I suppose it could be pain from not being on an antibiotic anymore, but I doubt it.  Bummer!

To Gluten or Not To Gluten, That is The Question

My tummy problems have continued to abound.  My Internist finally convinced me I needed to visit with the GI doctor as my internist was at a loss for what to do next.  He was out of ideas.  So yesterday I took myself to the GI doc.  He listened to all my symptoms and history.  He noticed I have lost 7 lbs in just over 2 weeks (not a bad side effect).  He did a physical exam.  During the exam he started pushing on my abdomen and I was shocked by how much it hurt.  Once all that was done, he let me know his two ideas for what could be ailing me: gall bladder inflammation and/or stones and celiac disease.  I was shocked.  Celiac disease was not on my radar screen prior to his declaration. 

My favorite foods are wheat based: cake, cookies, bread, scones, donuts, etc.  I know these are not the healthiest foods, but I love them.  If it turns out I do have celiac disease, I will be forbidden from eating them.  There are ways to make these foods with alternative flours.  I will just have to get used to the new flavors and textures. 

I have the tests to determine what is going on next Thursday.  I pray I will be accepting of the test results.  I want to have a good attitude.  I want to give myself a break and allow myself to be sad, if that is how I feel.  So please keep me in your prayers.  Pray for health and answers.  Pray for peace. 

Book Review Time!

As promised, I am trying to catch up on my book reviews.  Today I am reviewing The Little Giant of Aberdeen County by Tiffany Baker.  This is the story of a woman who was born a giant.  Truly was a huge baby and she continued to grow into a huge woman.  She did not fit into any societal norms.  Growing up Truly struggles with being different.  She is essentially the town's sideshow.  The journey her life takes is unexpected and interesting.  Her character development is thorough.  I found myself rooting for her and hoping good things would come her way. 

The story shows how society treats those who are not outwardly beautiful in any way.  It also explores how inward and outward beauty can be totally unrelated.  People's treatment of Truly reminded me of high school.  I was lucky in high school.  I was neither cool nor nerdy.  I had plenty of friends.  However, there was the crowd of beautiful people who loved to ridicule those less physically attractive.  Even as a teenager I knew that those who are very attractive, or at least think they are, tend to be less kind.  This novel is full of 'mean girls' who make Truly's life difficult. 

The story also had a bit of a mystery surrounding it.  All in all it was a delightful read.  It was well-written and well developed.  It is one of those books that makes me not want to read lesser literature again.  It was a true joy to read. 

Book Review Time!

I have to apologize for not reviewing my books lately.  I have continued to read compulsively during my review drought, I have just been lazy about reviewing my literature.  I am going to start with Olive Kitteridge: Fiction by Elizabeth Strout.  This book is totally different from any other I have ever read.  It tells the tales of Olive's life through a series of short stories.  They are mostly told in chronological order.  As a character she is very real.  She has strengths, faults, heartbreaks and triumphs.  She is a mother, wife, teacher and friend.  There are times you love her and times you loath her. 

While at times the chosen style can seem disjointed, in the end I enjoyed the book.  I would not say it was one that I could not put down.  However, if you are looking for a well-written enjoyable book, this is a good read. 

The Invisible Woman

I have clearly been the invisible woman as of late.  Spring always gets away from me.  I suppose that is why it is nice to slow down during the heat of summer.  The last couple of weeks I have been having some abdominal pain.  At its worst it felt like labor contractions.  The can't stand still or imagine sitting or hardly even breathing type of pain.  It was pain that landed me in the emergency room for some anti-cramping meds, blood work and an x-ray.  The next day I went to my internist and he repeated the blood work and ordered a CT scan.  I had also added on a fever to my laundry list of symptoms.  My doctor could see my pain and was kind enough to prescribe a narcotic pain reliever to help get me through the next few days. 

The next day, the cavalry arrived: my parents.  They took me to my appointments (no driving allowed on narcotics).  They picked up the little ladies from preschool and attended my appointments with me.  Oddly, but thankfully, all of my tests were negative.  He gave me antibiotics since my fever indicated some kind of infection. 

This experience has reminded me how much I value my health.  My doctor had been convinced he would be hospitalizing me when I returned to see him after my tests.  God protected me and my family from that scary experience.  I still have no idea what caused this pain.  It is mostly gone, but not entirely.  It has forced me to slow down this week.  I hate slowing down.  My house is a disaster.  I have not made a single dinner all week.  I have had to rely on Husband to feed the girls, clean the kitchen and look the other way when coming home to this dirty house.  However, at the end of it all we have survived intact.  The girls are in need of a bath.  The floor is in need of a good scrubbing.  We all need a nice healthy dinner soon.  However, we are fine. 

I hope to keep this experience in mind when I am feeling overwhelmed.  Clearly I have been taught a lesson this week by the almighty.  God knew I needed a smack to learn the lesson of slowing down and enjoying my family.  I needed to learn to ask for help.  Husband is not disappointed in me or my efforts this week.  I needed to learn to let go of my unreasonable expectations of myself.   While I would have preferred to miss out on the pain, I would not have consented to slowing down without it.  Thus, I praise God for the experience. 

The Patience of Mrs. Sparkle Nose

The little ladies love Sesame Street.  Panda Girl is a huge fan of Elmo.  I don't think I have ever met a two year old who did not love Elmo, so she is right on schedule.  Sweet Pea, however, loves the "Abbie's Flying Fairy School" segment.  It is a new segment this year and it is adorable.  What really struck me while watching the new vignette was Mrs. Sparkle Nose.  I have decided I want to be just like her.  She is calm.  She is patient.  She takes advantage of every teachable moment presented to her.  When the fairies get into less than desirable predicaments, she calmly encourages them to use their problem solving skills to find an appropriate solution.  If they get stuck, she gently guides them into the next steps. 

Panda Girl has officially hit the "terrible twos". One day she is an angel, the sweet little self I have adored for almost two years. Then she can turn on a dime. Suddenly she is wailing and dramatically throwing herself to the floor. Then we have the time out action sequence. Yesterday it took four timeouts for her to calm herself down. All that before I had finished my first cup of coffee. Needless to say, it was enough to push my patience in ways I didn't know possible.
I have always struggled with patience.  However, I always assumed that I would have it in abundance for my own children (those fictitious children that don't really require much patience).  While I always understood that certain careers, like teaching, were not suited to my temperament, it never really bothered me.  I considered it a victory if I waited calmly in line behind an especially slow and annoying shopper.  Clearly I had no idea what was in store for my future.  I now understand that all kids require mounds of patience from their parents.  Husband has not struggled in this area.  He is too patient at times, allowing the little ladies to take advantage of his generous spirit. 

I, on the other hand, can expect way too much from my little girls.  I sometimes take their age appropriate behavior personally.  Lucky for Panda Girl, Sweet Pea has taught me much about what is "normal" at each stage.  She is not having to live up to the unreasonable expectations I placed on Sweet Pea.  I suppose all of us first children have that same issue.  Research tells us that is why most high achievers (presidents, ceo's, etc) are either first or only children.  We are taught early to expect much from ourselves and, by extension, others.  If only we could all have the patience and understanding of Mrs. Sparkle Nose!

Depression vs. Relationships

I have tried to be honest about my experiences with depression.  I don't mind people asking me questions.  I welcome questions because it shows the other person is concerned.  I realize my forthrightness can make some people uncomfortable.  While discomfort is never my goal, I don't try to glaze over my struggles for the sake of someone else's comfort level.  That would not be honest of me.  Honesty is a high priority since it was so lacking for so long in my life.  I do not want to go back to that awful place again.  Staying honest with myself and those around me is one way I can stay accountable. 

Depression always takes a toll on relationships.  Withdrawal is a huge symptom for many, including myself.  Many people do not realize how difficult it is to be a friend during depression.  I struggled to leave my house.  I just wanted to sit on the couch or sleep.  Then, I would be critical of myself.  I would berate myself for my laziness.  However, I was also exhausted.  I could not get enough sleep.  I could have slept for 12 hours a day and still been tired.  All this made reaching out impossible for me.  I could not even talk to Husband about everything.  There was no way I was going to admit my inadequacies to people who were not required by law to listen to my whining.  Sadly, there were very few who reached out to me.  Some friends had no idea I was struggling.  I was able to put on a happy face when in a social situation.  Some friends knew and withdrew for their own reasons.  Still others had their own huge struggles.

Looking back I learned whom I could trust.  I learned that there is no person that can fill all my needs.  I expected Husband to come to my rescue.  Others disappointed me by not solving all my problems for me.  I finally woke up and realized that only God can meet my needs.  Husband is only human.  My friends are flawed and have their own very busy lives.  I still love them all, I just view our relationships a bit differently.  I believe I was allowed to struggle in order to bring me back into the fold.  I needed my world rocked in a profound way in order to learn to rely only on Him.  He is the one I want to take care of me.  Now I am ready to let Him. 

Call it what it is - parenting!

Why do some women call their husbands babysitters?  I understand that we are our children's primary caretakers.  Trust me, I get it.  However, if the father of your children is giving you a break to go out and have some fun, sans children, why is it sometimes called babysitting?  Do these fathers usually have no responsibilities where the kids are concerned?  I realize that fifty years ago many fathers left all child-rearing to the mothers.  However, haven't we gone beyond that stage in this day and age?  Aren't our husbands simply parenting our kids when we go to a movie for a few hours? 

Sorry to rant, but this has been bothering me lately.  Husband and I share parenting responsibilities.  While I may manage the day to day home, he is out providing what we need.  Those roles are both important.  So, to those women who ask their husbands to babysit, please stop.  Ask them if they are busy, if they have important plans.  If the answer is no, then tell them you are heading out while they parent the kids alone for a few hours.  Then leave the house.  Do not feel guilty.  Do not call 200 times.  Enjoy yourself girlfriend, I guarantee you have earned it.

Everyone Loves a Parade, Right?

I have odd children.  They do not love parades.  They actually dislike parades, as was confirmed yesterday.  We attended the annual rodeo parade.  Historically it rains on this parade.  This year was cold, but clear.  Thus, the entire city bundled up and headed downtown to watch the horses, bands and floats.  We were no different.  We arrived promptly at 10, the appointed time of the start of the parade.  Apparently, we were about a half hour late to get a good spot.  So, we threw the little ladies on our shoulders and watched the show.  For about 15 minutes.  Then the girls were done.  Sweet Pea had put herself back into the stroller and Panda Girl was whining.  We had thought this would be a fun activity.  Clearly we were mistaken.

Our lives have changed since the little ladies arrived on the scene.  We have been fortunate to meet many great people with kids the same ages as our girls.  We feel grateful to have people to share in our triumphs and, more importantly, in our defeats.  However, I sometimes miss my other friends.  The friends who do not have children.  We had so much in common five years ago.  Now, very little.  Since my life revolves around the little ladies at this stage, I have a difficult time relating to the issues of office politics.  My heart does not belong to my career.  It belongs to my family.  Not only that, the career aspirations I once held dear have evaporated.  The activities we once enjoyed together can seem pointless, a bit of a waste of time. 

However, I do have friends I truly miss. When I am with them I usually enjoy the company.  Many of them have wonderful stories and are highly entertaining.  The problem comes up when I do not feel free to talk about my little ladies.  I become just a mom, not a the dynamic person of my past.  It is an odd thing to have been where they are now, have some memories of that time, and know they have no way of relating to me.  Some of them want to relate, others wish they could relate, the minority want to forget how different I am now.  They want things to be as they were five years ago. 

I feel as if I am at a parade.  People are having fun all around me.  The people I am with are fun people.  They have not changed.  I have changed.  The flash I see around me is impressive, but it isn't me.  These days I just want to snuggle up to my sweet husband with a glass of wine at the end of the day.  I want to spend time talking to him about our girls.  No one understands them like we do, and I enjoy sharing the experience with him.  To me, that is the most enjoyable activity of all.

Snotty

The little ladies and Husband all have some sort of winter cold.  The kind where you are tired, snotty, cranky, and have a constant sore throat.  Did I mention the snot?  Sweet Pea is mostly able to handle her own snot.  She may need a friendly reminder to use a tissue every now and then, but she is mostly self-sufficient.  Panda Girl is not.  She seems to be covered in a thin layer of snot all the time these days.  With her it is difficult to tell if it is a cold or just teething.  I suppose it does not really matter because the end result is the same: snot.

This morning when Sweet Pea woke up and I was hanging out in her room with her, I started thinking about when she was a baby.  I have no idea what brought on this sudden nostalgia, but I indulged myself.  While she was a difficult baby, she was also adorable.  She loved to jump and move.  Then I realized that she is already four.  She is potty trained.  She can eat by herself.  She can dress herself.  She even knows most of her manners.  She is suddenly interested in learning to read.  It has gone quicker than I imagined possible.

Panda Girl is hitting "that" stage.  She will be two in April.  I have been dreading this stage a bit, but I am realizing she will be very different from her big sister.  Panda Girl has a much higher tolerance for frustration and has more self-control than her sister.  Hopefully this will translate into an "easier" kiddo.  Sweet Pea just about killed me at this stage, so I am hoping Panda Girl will go easy on her mommy.  However, I am being careful not to wish the next two years away. I know they will fly by on their own.  At that point all will be able to handle snot by themselves, except for maybe Husband.

The Final Stage

I attended my MOPS meeting today.  I always enjoy MOPS.  The ladies in my group are open and honest.  They are fun and have adorable kiddos.  As I have mentioned before, we have a speaker each week.  This week's speaker discussed grief.  This woman is uniquely qualified to speak on this difficult topic.  She has a masters in counseling.  As a practicing counselor, she helped many through losses of their own.  Four years ago, just weeks after Sweet Pea's birth, she was dealt her own blow. 

Speaker went into the hospital expecting a healthy baby boy.  This was her third child.  Her first two children were happy and healthy girls.  Although she struggled to conceive, she had delivered two children without incident.  When Baby Boy was born, he was blue.  As in not breathing.  He was rushed to the NICU.  Speaker was devastated.  She missed out on her own special bonding time with Baby Boy.  That special time she had enjoyed with her girls.  However, she assumed he would be fine in a few hours, or days at the most.  Little did she know how long it would be until she could actually hold Baby Boy in her arms.

Six weeks later, she was finally able to hold him.  During that time he had needed assistance breathing.  He was diagnosed with a heart defect and CP.  She is certain there is some underlying medical reason he has so many health problems.  However, no doctor has been able to give her and her family an accurate diagnosis.  His life expectancy is totally unknown.  She has to be ready for him to die at any moment. 

As I wrote earlier, she is a qualified woman to speak about grief.  One of her points is that we grieve for many different reasons.  We grieve over the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of a dream.  I found that I could relate to her more than I expected possible.  What do I have in common with a woman whose child is as ill as hers?  Clearly my struggles are minute by comparison.  I have two healthy girls.  I do not fear losing the little ladies in the way she must fear losing her sweet boy.  However, I think grief is one reason I have struggled with motherhood.  In most ways I have not been the mother of my imagination.  I am impatient and short-tempered.  I do not enjoy chasing games or kids' music.  Clearly we all fall short of our own expectations.  This is true of everyone.  However, I tend to have totally unrealistic expectations of myself.  This has been a struggle my whole life.  I always assumed I could handle anything with just a little grit and determination.  However, crazy hormones do not care about your determination.  I have often found myself completely and totally disappointed in my efforts.  Thus, I grieve the mother of my expectations. 

The last stage of grief is typically acceptance.  Speaker took that concept one step further.  She asserts that empowerment is the final stage.  Speaker freely acknowledges that most people do not reach that stage.  For the lucky ones, the determined ones, empowerment can be realized.  I feel that I am finally getting to acceptance.  I will now focus my energies into empowerment.  I am throwing around ideas to use my experiences to help others ease their journey into parenthood.  I truly believe my struggles are in no way unique to me.  I have talked to too many other women in similar circumstances to consider myself special or different from them.  I'm praying to find a new, creative way to help as many as possible who are struggling.  They need to know they are not alone.  This journey is too arduous to set out alone and unequipped.   

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day.  I have never been a huge fan of this holiday.  It is fun when you are a Valentine's Day winner.  To be honest, I was usually a winner.  There were a couple lonely years, but most of the time I had a date.  I am unsure why I never became enamored of this day of love.  I suppose it just seemed silly to me.  I am of the opinion that if you love someone, you should show them your love daily.  If you do show your love daily, you do not need proof on one specific day in February.

Each year since Sweet Pea entered our lives, someone has been ill on Valentine's Day.  I'm not talking about a common cold either.  I am talking about the tummy flu.  Every year.  The first year, Sweet Pea was only four weeks old.  Husband came home from work ill.  I think that is the only year was afflicted.  The other years it was either Sweet Pea or I, until last year it was Panda Girl.  So far this year seems to be flu free.  I refuse to be premature in my declaration of health because we still have a few hours to go on this Valentine's Day.

This year I planned for the inevitable illness.  I kept our schedule totally open this weekend anticipating the onslaught of puke.  Other years I have not taken these steps and always had to cancel plans at the last minute.  So here is the question I have been asking myself: Is it better to anticipate the worst or is it better to hope for the best?  Should I have planned something fun this year for Husband and I?  Is disappointment better or worse than loss of anticipation? 

These questions, of course, leads to the following: How often do I do this in my daily life?  Do I plan for the worst so much that I miss out on the joy of anticipating happiness?  Or, am I simply realistic?  I like to think of myself as a realist.  I reject that we are all either optimists or pessimists.  I think I can be either, it just depends on the situation.  Take tonight as an example. As mentioned earlier, I did not make plans.  However, we did go out for Valentine's Day.  We dressed the girls up and hit the road.  At first we tried a couple of more popular favorites, they all had unreasonable waits (seriously, what toddler is going to wait an hour to be seated?).  We ended up at a small Indian restaurant.  It is a place we go to regularly, if not often.  They graciously seated us and were prompt with the food and reasonable with the price.  The little ladies just shared our food.  There were no meltdowns.  There was some bargaining/bribing.  There were some distracting games.  However, it was a fun evening.  The little ladies got to enjoy a special night out with their parents (they are, of course, our valentines too) and we have a happy memory of our first successful Valentine's Day as parents.

I do not think a pessimist would have set out on this dinner journey tonight.  However, I was also realistic enough to know my little ladies' limits.  We were pushing them enough without expecting them to meet impossible standards.  Overall I am thankful we took the chance to go out.  Sitting home would have seemed too mundane.  We have mundane all the time.  We do not have reasons to go out and celebrate each day.  I am so glad we did today.

Snow Day!

Sweet Pea attends a fantastic preschool.  They are good about having fun events for the kids: Halloween Parade, Snow Day, Chuck-wagon Lunch Day (with Dads), etc.  Today was Snow Day.  The weather here has been crummy lately, so today was the third scheduled day for this event.  Thankfully today proved to be the perfect day for Snow Day.  It was a sunny and relatively cold day today: we had a high of 50. 

At precisely 10:40 the Red Ladybug and Green Gator classes descended upon the 6x12 ft. patch of snow.  The squeals of delight were priceless.  We live in a place where snow is something that only comes around every few years.  When it does come, it rarely sticks to anything.  Thus, this was a new experience for many of the children.  As with any new experience, the kids had varying reactions.  The texture was unfamiliar.  Kids were slipping and sliding everywhere (typically into mud puddles formed from the rapidly melting mound).  The activity was out of the ordinary.  There were moms everywhere snapping pictures of  their precious progeny.  There were several snow toys - think beach toys adapted for a new use.  However, there were not enough for everyone.  All of this newness was much to handle for a group of three and four year olds.

By 11:05 the festivities were done.  I know, that does not sound like much time to fully explore the snow.  It turns out, it was actually about 5 minutes too many. As the ladybug class lined up to retreat into the warmth of the classroom there was a collective wail.  They were overstimulated.  They were tired.  The mommies were leaving.  I am sure a Snow Day veteran would have expected this to happen.  However, as a rookie I was shocked.  Sweet Pea loves school.  She typically runs into class with nary a backward glance.  However, today was different.  You can call it exhaustion, call it peer pressure, call it over-stimulation.  One thing was abundantly clear: I was not getting out of there without a full meltdown.

Tonight I am going to try something new.   I am going to a knitting class.  Alone.  I have taken random classes in the past, but never alone.  I also rarely show up to something knowing exactly zero about the topic.  I am a quick learner.  However, I also frustrate quite easily.  My family tells me it is because everything has always come easily to me.  Motherhood has been the one, glaring, exception to that rule.  I am curious to find out if I have cultivated more patience for myself.  I know I am now more patient with children than I ever thought possible.  Will I extend that same grace to myself?  If history is any guide, the answer will be no.  However, I am hoping to leave history behind and embrace a new future.  Otherwise, I will not be getting out of there without a full meltdown.

It turns out Sweet Pea only had a partial meltdown.  The blow of Mommy leaving was softened by lots of hugs and kisses and a promise to return in a few hours.  Thankfully, she settled in and had fun the rest of the day.  I am hoping tonight's outing will be just as successful.

Book Review Time!

I just finished another book.  I wanted something light and easy to read.  Previously I had read The Happiness Project and NurtureShock (I know I have not reviewed NurtureShock yet, but I promise it is coming).  While I enjoyed both books and learned more than my little brain can process, I was done with learning for a bit.  I am still ruminating on all the information presented in both books, so some fluff was in order.  I was hoping The Divorce Party would be funny and light.  It was certainly not funny and not nearly as light as I had hoped.  I think my incorrect expectation set this book up poorly for me.  For once, I was not eager to read this novel each night.  It is rare that I find myself in that situation.  Reading is one of my great joys in life, and reading The Divorce Party did not add to that joy. 

The story takes place in one day.  It is a day that is pivotal in the lives of Gwen and Maggie.  Gwen is a well-to-do woman who lives with her husband in Montauk, New York.  She and her husband have decided to divorce, ostensibly because he has found Buddhism and feels there is no room for Gwen in his life anymore.  Thus, they are parting ways.  Gwen tells Thomas, her husband, that she would like to have a divorce party to celebrate their 35 years of marriage with all of their friends and family.  Gwen and Thomas have two adult children: Nate and Georgia.  Nate is engaged to Maggie.  Maggie has yet to meet her future in-laws.  She and Nate are venturing to Montauk for the divorce party.  Unfortunately Nate has been less than candid with Maggie about his past.  Just before leaving Nate drops a huge bomb on Maggie that leaves her reeling. 

The book alternates between telling the story from Gwen's and Maggie's points of view.  I enjoyed the style and the idea of the whole story involving one important day.  I found that interesting.  However, I found the story to be predictable.  I think that is why I was uninterested in picking it up each night.  I felt I already knew the outcome (and it turns out, I did).  I like novels to go in places I would not imagine.  I find that harder to find the more I read.  Thus, the problem may lie more with me than with the authors. 

Overall, I don't think I can recommend this one.  It isn't that it was bad, it just was not very good.  Hopefully the next one I read will be better. 

Progress

I have been trying to lose weight for about a year. At this time last year I was still nursing. Some lucky women loose weight while breastfeeding. My body does not work that way. It has been a source of frustration for me. My body not only does not loose weight, it gains weight. If I diet while nursing I lose my supply and my body packs on fat. I have no idea why my metabolism is so evil during this time. No doctors have ever been able to explain it to me. In essence I am in pregnancy weight gain for about two years with each baby. I only took nine months between when I stopped nursing Sweet Pea before becoming pregnant with Panda Girl. Obviously I had not lost all my weight in that short amount of time after packing it on for so long. Thus, at this point last year my physical health was abysmal. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was overweight (still am). However, once I stopped breastfeeding Panda Girl I told myself it was time to get myself back in shape. I started working out regularly last April. My progress has been slow. I was not good about modifying my diet until December. I have, however, lost one pant size. I realize it is not much, but it is something.

Last week was exhausting for me. I don't think I realized how drained I was becoming until Saturday. We had a wonderful breakfast at our local zoo in the reptile house. I am grateful we get to take our children to participate in these wonderful experiences. It is not everyday that you get to finish your muffin and run off to pet a baby kimodo dragon (who was not very keen on being manhandled by the public, btw). I was glad I was there to watch the delight on their faces as they touched a snake for the first time. However, I could not stop yawning.

Once breakfast was finished we stayed at the zoo to play for a bit longer. It was a rare beautiful day, and we were determined to enjoy it. We saw the giraffes, elephants, zebras and cranes. We rode the carousel, twice. We petted goats in the petting zoo. The little ladies played on the playground. Once we got home and had fed the ladies and put them down for naps, I collapsed on the bed. I slept the whole time they did.

I could not figure out why I was struggling so much. Then I thought about the week. Sweet Pea's school had an in service Monday. She was sick and stayed home from school Thursday. Panda Girl's school had an in service on Thursday, too. We took long and crazy trips to Michael's to get supplies for Sweet Pea's Valentine's Party favors. We made homemade Valentines for Sweet Pea's school friends. We made Valentine's cupcakes. We ate at home all week. I did all the laundry in the whole house.

I don't say all this to complain about how busy I am as a stay at home mom. That I run around chasing my tail all day, everyday, is expected. What was different was the lack of time to spend on myself. Early in the week was pretty good, but by the end I had spent no time on myself since Tuesday. Clearly, that is not ideal. I had not even exercised. It is amazing how much I needed Husband to step in yesterday to pick up my slack.

So, I went and got some exercise. I made myself a fun and not too caloric dessert last night. I watched shows on television that Husband is not too interested in watching. However, it worked. Today I feel so much better. I have been productive and enjoyed my family. While I did allow myself to be depleted this week, I am proud that I realized it and took steps to feel better. I am slowly learning to be more self-aware. Finally. I see progress. Now if only I could see progress on the scale, hmmm. I guess I need to have faith that eating well and exercising as regularly as my schedule will allow will bear fruit for me eventually. It has worked with my mental health, I am choosing to believe it will work for my physical health too.

The least I can do

Tonight I went and did a service project with my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. We made beautiful handmade cards for the children of Ft. Hood to send to their parent who is deployed overseas. We are putting together 120 packets of cards. Each packet has 8 cards plus a postcard for the deployed parent to send back to their child. We are supplying the cards, envelopes and stamps for the children. There is an amazingly talented woman in our group who designed all the cards and has organized the whole thing. We spent last Friday night cutting paper strips, squares and flowers (oh so many flowers) for the cards. The Mother's Day card alone has 12 little card stock flowers. Each of the flowers was die cut by us for all 120 packets. As you can imagine this project has been quite the undertaking. We were unable to finish tonight, so we will meet one more time to get it all done in a couple weeks.

As a whole the women in MOPS are caring, considerate, kind people. I have not met one who does not meet that description. Here is what confuses me: very few came to participate in the service project last week or tonight. We all have kids, husbands, etc. to consider and balance in our lives. We all have other things we could be doing instead of making little homemade cards for people we don't know. However, isn't the point of a service project to give up the time to help others? Is it service if the only other thing we would be doing is nothing? I was dismayed that only about 20% of our group showed up to participate on either night. How are we going to teach our kids to help others if we can't give up one Friday night?

I am not trying to sound critical, I just feel frustrated by the general apathy I see in people sometimes. We don't think about the sacrifices other people make to allow us to live free. We feel entitled to our comfortable lives. I am no better. I often turn the channel if the news gets to "real" for me. I have righteous anger towards those who abuse children, yet I have done nothing about it. In some ways it is all very overwhelming. The world is full of problems, I am just one person. One person who does not even handle her own problems well, I certainly can't be trusted to help anyone else. Then I read about people like Greg Mortenson who builds houses in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I look at my friends and family in the military and realize these people are missing seeing their children grow up so I can sleep well at night. These are the people I find inspiring. They make me want to do good for others. Thus, when the opportunity was placed in front of me, I had to go help. It is truly the least I can do for the children and the parents who miss them.

I hope to pass this desire to serve down to my children. I hope they find value in helping those we don't know or see daily. I hope they understand that sometimes Mommy has to go help others. We have different activities we do to help them see how it can be fun to serve too. How are you passing this important concept on to your children? Do you think it is worthwhile? What do you think?

Overflowing Cup

This afternoon was a bit strange around here. Sweet Pea rarely naps these days, but Panda Girl usually naps consistently. Today Panda Girl threw me for a loop, she hardly slept. I even had to go back into her room after about 30 minutes to remind her to sleep. She was cranky all evening (shocking, I know from an exhausted toddler). I made sure to get her in bed by 7. Sadly, she decided she was not wanting to sleep yet and partied for a good half hour. Thankfully, she got herself to sleep without any further intervention, but the whole situation was so strange.

Often I feel that as soon as I get Sweet Pea or Panda Girl figured out, they change on me. I suppose that is one of the greatest challenges of motherhood. At times these changes are good. Sweet Pea is becoming so sweet and fun and easy these days. She is mostly through the crazy tantrums and difficult toddler behavior. She is easier to enjoy. Panda Girl, on the other hand, is turning into a two year old. My child who always loved to eat is suddenly refusing food she has always loved. These days she only seems to want dried fruit, chocolate milk, water and yogurt. My sweet, easy baby is suddenly screaming through the entire thirty minute grocery store trip because she can't get out of the cart to empty the shelves of all their merchandise. So strange. I suppose I need to get used to all the changes because this is only the beginning.

I feel that I have even changed lately. Today I found myself in a craft store buying supplies to make Sweet Pea's Valentine's cards myself. I am not buying the $2 cards, we are turning it into a project we can enjoy together. A year ago, I didn't even think about the cards until the night before she needed them. So she was stuck with whatever Walgreen's had on clearance the day before Valentine's Day. I suppose this is how I always thought I would handle being a mother. I am glad I am finally able to meet that expectation I had for myself. What is strange is that in order to get here, I needed to focus on myself more. I have realized I can only give from an overflowing cup, not an empty one. I am grateful I can take time to exercise and eat well and visit with friends knowing that all of those activities are actually good for my girls. That realization has given me much more freedom than I had a year ago. With that freedom, I am able to handle Panda Girl's tantrums and enjoy projects with Sweet Pea.

Tomorrow Panda Girl has mother's day out. She is supposed to nap there. I have always had confidence in her ability to sleep there and she has never disappointed me. However, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me with her. I do know, however, that at 6:30 a babysitter is coming so Husband and I can go have dinner with friends. That fact will make tomorrow much easier with a potentially cranky Panda Girl.

Book Review Time!

I am finally attempting to review The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Rubin was riding a bus with her daughter on the way to school one morning. She realized she was not as happy as she should be with her life. She was financially comfortable, she had work she enjoyed, and she had a wonderful family. Thus came a question: Why was she not overwhelmingly happy? What was standing in her way? In that moment The Happiness Project was born.

In order to find a place to start, Rubin started reading everything she could about happiness. Once she had learned about the various happiness theories to which people ascribe, she set out to test them for herself. She had no idea how many of them would apply to her personally. Rubin also realized this was a daunting undertaking, so she broke the theories down into smaller more manageable tasks. To provide structure, she created a theme for each month of the year. Her themes include: Vitality, Marriage, Work, Parenthood, Leisure, Friendship, Money, Eternity, Books, Mindfulness and Attitude. Each theme had several specific resolutions. These resolutions included: laugh out loud, keep a food diary, write a novel, keep a gratitude notebook, give something up, make three new friends, take time to be silly, sing in the morning, ask for help, quit nagging and go to bed earlier. Before she embarked on these months she created twelve personal commandments. These commandments ranged from "Be Gretchen" to "Act the way I want to feel" to "Do it now".

Throughout the book Rubin learns what works to help her happiness each month. Some theories work well, others not nearly as much. She also discovers her own personal "Four Splendid Truths" for her happiness. One of her great discoveries was how keeping her resolutions at the forefront of her mind via a chart was incredibly helpful in maintaining focus. All of these discoveries lead up to a central idea about what truly makes up happiness for her.

All in all I learned much about happiness from reading her book. It helped me understand some of my own obstacles to joy. It has reminded me of what is truly important in life. While I am not currently ready to take on a happiness project of my own, it is an idea that appeals to me. The book was well worth the time to read. I truly enjoyed the ideas and the writing. You will have to read for yourself exactly how she fared in her own project. I hope you do, it will be time well spent. It will not only teach you the theories behind happiness, it may also help you find more joy in your own life.

Excuses, excuses

I have finished two books that I have not reviewed. I need to get on the stick and get it done. Hopefully I can get on it tomorrow. I am still ruminating over how to review each book. I guess we will see what I come up with soon. Thanks for your patience, this has been a crazy week.

Plans

This weekend I was fortunate to be able to head to Atlanta to celebrate a sweet friend's thirtieth birthday. Turning thirty is a big milestone, so I was excited to experience it with her. PL is such a special woman. She is intelligent, kind, and fun. She has a huge heart and is genuine with everyone. Her smile is contagious.

PL is in an exciting phase of her life. In the last year she has met the man of her dreams and been promoted at work. She is enjoying planning a future with CK. He is a great match for her. I am thankful she did not settle for anyone less, as anyone else would have been a disappointment. However, when she was growing up, this is not how she pictured her life at thirty.

While trying to get home on Sunday, I was forced to alter my plans. I had truly enjoyed my time in Atlanta, but I was ready to get home to Husband and the Little Ladies. I missed them. I had a bit of a cold and craved my own bed. I missed my Ally and Sophie greeting me each time I entered the room. It was freezing cold and I had not brought my coat. All in all, I was ready to be home. Unfortunately, the weather had other plans for me. There was a huge storm that tracked all the way from the deep south up to New England. It had all the airports on the eastern side of the country tied up. So, my 4:45 flight was delayed until 11. The announcements kept telling us different things until we finally landed on the real answer: they had to cancel the flight. At this point I had been calling the airport home for about 7 hours. After waiting in a lovely line I was told I could not leave until 1, the next afternoon. It sounded like an eternity. I had been remarkably patient (especially for me), but I was devastated.

I think that is what PL has felt in her life up until this year. She was trying to wait patiently for her dream of CK to become her reality. In the meantime she has been very successful. She has an MBA from a prestigious school. She has travelled the world. She has made the most of her time waiting. While I was not able to do much with my airport time, I did get some reading done. It isn't an MBA, but it was nice.

Thankfully my safe flight home came to fruition the next day without any complications. It was smooth sailing the whole way with nary a bump in sight. While I can't promise PL a totally smooth ride with CK, I have faith that it will be a life full of wonderful journeys.