Christmas

Today is Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are days we always anticipate around here. We watch Christmas movies. We decorate cookies for Santa. Tonight we will have dinner with Husband's family and, this year, we will open gifts with them. We will put the little ladies to bed and break out the tools. This year they will receive a kitchen set from Santa, so we will spend our evening assembling it for them. I know they will love it. Tomorrow we will open some gifts at home and then head off to see my family.

These are days I have been dreaming about for months. These are days where the pictures in my head of the happy family are clear. My expectations are high. We are all freshly washed and pressed. There are no runny noses. There is no whining. There are no temper tantrums. Heck, the dogs are even washed and groomed. All family members behave. There are no passive-aggressive remarks or rolled eyes. We are the picture perfect family of the Norman Rockwell paintings.

Then I wake up. There are toys scattered everywhere. The camera has been lost at one of the many Christmas festivities we have attended. Panda Girl has a cold and is a fountain of snot. Sweet Pea is exhausted from the pre-Christmas activities and is throwing tantrums like when she was two. I am exhausted from all the preparations that have been made over the last month. Husband even has to discipline Sweet Pea (if you know him, you realize he does not really discipline her until she is pushed way beyond decent behavior). While this is not what anyone would picture for Christmas Eve, it is my reality.

The rest of the day will be spent decorating Christmas cookies. We will get cleaned up. Panda Girl will have to put her clothes back on (she is currently running around in only her diaper - my favorite outfit on her). Then, late tonight, after all the festivities are complete, Husband and I will look around our home and sigh. It will be a sigh of happiness and gratefulness. We will smile at each other and wonder at this family we have created. We will be thank God for these beautiful babies we are so fortunate to call our own. We will drift off to a peaceful sleep and dream again of our perfect Christmas.

All this just for a picture?

My mom and I had an idea about a month ago. We decided it had been too long since our family took a nice family picture and it was time to go forth and pose. The pictures were to include my grandmother, her husband, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my sister, my husband, the little ladies and me. The idea seemed so simple. Everyone shows up at the park at the appointed hour and we all smile. While that is how it would have happened in many families, that is not at all what happened with mine.

This event - and yes, I must categorize this as an event - took an immense amount of planning. To be fair, there were eleven different people to coordinate and attempt to please. We had to hash out several different options for dates that would work for everyone. Just as we thought we had a date chosen, I received an invitation in the mail for a holiday party it was important we attend. We finally settled on Friday. One person wanted studio photos. However, the photographer we chose does not have a studio. So we chose a beautiful area complete with a Japanese garden. However, all week the weather was awful. The sky was steel gray and mist hung in the air. As we walked the gardens in the days leading up to Friday, I shivered in the cold. We staked out a nearby hotel as an alternate location in case the bad weather continued. Then there were the attire discussions. Grandma insisted on wearing a formal dress with beaded lapels on the jacket. She also purchased matching velvet and taffeta dresses for the little ladies. I don't know about you, but I do not own anything that dressy at this stage in life. Mom, Sister and I each took several trips into our closets. I ended up making a last ditch trip to the mall to find a cute little black dress that would fit the bill. All in all I was unsure what to expect from Friday.

We had spent much of the week running around. Sweet Pea had her Christmas program. Panda Girl had a nasty cold that prevented either of us from sleeping well all week. On top of that we had my sweet Aunt and Uncle in town visiting. When Friday dawned I had planned a very quiet morning for the little ladies and I. We stayed home and in our pajamas. I was hoping the low key morning would enable us to have a meltdown free photo shoot and fancy dinner afterward.

Thankfully, our plans for outside photos were solidified when we all looked out our windows Friday morning. The sky was baby blue without a cloud in sight. All week the temperatures had hovered in the forties and fifties. Friday the sun came out and warmed the air to a comfortable sixty-four degrees. We met the photographer and started shooting. Panda Girl did not want to smile for much of the time, but I am hopeful there are some good shots of us all. I think the girls even had some fun.

Once we finished in the park it was on to Fancy Restaurant for dinner. I don't know about you, but we do not take our girls to expensive restaurants. It has always seemed like such a waste of money. However, that is what the family wanted to do and I reluctantly agreed. I secretly told myself that we would leave if the little ladies became unruly. As luck would have it, and it truly was luck, the girls behaved well. I did have to hold Panda Girl on my lap for much of the meal, but at least I got to eat a fantastic steak. Best of all, that particular restaurant has my favorite dessert. I enjoyed every last bit of that bread pudding. Sister teased that I practically licked the inside of the bowl to avoid missing any morsel.

While that day and the days leading up to it were an ordeal, I hope we will have a beautiful family picture to admire. I fiercely love my family. While I can tease them and complain about them, you had better not. I'm thinking we may even sit back and laugh about this one day. However, today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Book Review Time!

I am a fan of Jeanette Walls. I loved her memoir, The Glass Castle. It was amazing. I was thrilled when Half Broke Horses: A True-Life Novel was published a couple months ago. To say I had eagerly anticipated reading another book of Walls' is akin to saying Sweet Pea is a bit excited about Christmas. Walls writes a mostly autobiographical novel in her grandmother's voice. Lily Casey Smith was a tough as nails frontier woman. She was resourceful and smart. She lived in a dugout house for many years. She rode a horse for 28 days from New Mexico to Arizona alone at age 15. She broke wild horses and played poker. She was a bootlegger during prohibition. She was essentially a half broke horse herself.

The narrative uses the dialect Jeanette remembers hearing from her grandmother. The stories told are those Jeanette learned from her mother and grandmother. Walls also used newspaper stories and public records to substantiate much of what she writes. However, the details that give this book life and allow it to read like a novel were filled in by Walls' imagination.

The story is entertaining. It is full of flash floods, heartbreak, and humor. The writing style lends personality to Lily. I thought the story was well paced and interesting. The characters were well developed, interesting and likable. Overall I truly enjoyed the book and I highly recommend it.

Some Breathing Room

We have been very busy in our corner of the world. I have been under a tight deadline: have all pre-Christmas preparation (except gift wrapping) completed by December 13. I needed to be organized and have all teacher gifts chosen and ready for the school parties. I needed to have gifts for Savannah's friends ready. I needed to have all family presents purchased. The Christmas cards had to be sent. All long distance packages needed to be posted. It sounds a bit crazy, huh?

I have an Aunt and Uncle who live in the desert. We don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like. Aunt and Uncle never had kids, thus Sister and I are their only "human" children (they do have dog children, if you know what I mean). They have only met Panda Girl once, at 8 weeks old. They have not seen Sweet Pea in two years. My little ladies are their only "grandchildren".

Growing up, Aunt and Uncle were always a fixture in our lives. Most of the time they lived far away from us (we had them living here for about 4 years). We saw them at least once a year. Uncle was always fun. He took us camping. He played mini-golf with us. He went swimming with us. Aunt taught me how to apply make-up. She taught me what colors look nice with my skin tone and hair color. She taught me that you can have a second career late in life when she went back to school for a totally different degree the second time around. I have always felt lucky to be their niece.

So, why the December 13 deadline? Aunt and Uncle came into town today. I wanted my schedule clear to enjoy them during their almost two week visit. Tonight they came over for soup and cornbread and Monday Night Football. It was so fun to see them interacting with my girls. Uncle loves children, especially once they are toddlers. He throws them around. He tickles them. Panda Girl can be a bit leery of new people, but she walked up to him with her arms outstretched within ten minutes of his arrival. Sweet Pea remembered him from two years ago. He made such an impression on a barely two year old girl that she was thrilled to see him tonight. Aunt is not sure what to do with babies, but since the girls are a bit bigger now she had fun watching them. Panda Girl loves to entertain and she found an audience in Aunt.

I realize there will be too much extended family togetherness over the next two weeks. I am confident we will get on each other's nerves. However, I am equally confident that I would not change anything about them*. I love them as they are. I am grateful to have them in my life. I pray they become a large part of my little ladies' lives too.

*I reserve the right to take back this statement at any time in the next two weeks. I also reserve the right to not be reminded of aforementioned statement.

Healing, Four Months Later

I need to apologize. It turns out there has been a sweet friend leaving me comments on my blog. My email notification somehow got turned off and I did not realize the comments were left for me. One of the comments has had me thinking today. She asked me what caused my new found well-being. There are several elements that have come together to make me feel better.

To give some background, I battled postpartum depression for about a year. Mine did not start immediately after Panda Girl was born, it took about four months to start setting in. I was exhausted, disinterested and angry. I thought that by toughening up I could "fix" myself. I also thought my thyroid was acting up. I have Hashimoto's Disease (scary name, treatable disease) which causes my immune system to attack my thyroid. After having a baby my immune system goes a bit haywire. Thus, the disease is difficult to regulate until my hormones slow down. Many of the symptoms I was experiencing I was attributing to my thyroid because exhaustion has always been one of my primary thyroid symptoms. So, you can imagine my surprise when my endocrinologist told me that not only was my thyroid hormone within normal limits, it was picture perfect.

I simply started crying. My doctor is a much older man. I assumed he would dislike the tears like most men of his generation. Thankfully I was wrong. He started asking me about my life. He asked me if I should make some major changes for my own well-being. He also suggested a very low dose of an antidepressant. I agreed because I could not imagine feeling this way any more. I had been working out religiously for six months. I had been eating well. It had done nothing to help my energy levels. He advised me it may take about a month to notice a difference in the way I felt. Thankfully, he was wrong. I started feeling better within a week. The only side effect I experienced was dizziness for a day or so. Then it was better.

However, I do not think that just popping a pill each morning has been the only aspect of my recovery. I have continued exercising. I started blogging as a way to journal my thoughts. I taught myself how to sew and have given myself several fun projects. I have taken more time for myself, without guilt. I realize how much I need a break. I am a much better parent if I take good care of myself. My relationship with Sweet Pea has gone from contentious to peaceful. I have been able to give Husband some attention. While it is probably not as much as he would like, it is a significant improvement over last year. I also talked to Husband to truly explain how I was feeling during the difficult times. He had no idea how badly I felt. That is my fault. I did not tell him. I expected him to understand something I was trying hard to hide. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Once I communicated with him, he was shocked by the depth of my depression. Since then he has been nothing but supportive.

These days I feel healthy. I have energy. I am enjoying my children. I can laugh again. I don't cry at every perceived slight. I engage with people again. I have interests again, other than sleeping. In short, I am myself. Truly, I have not felt this good since college. I am grateful to my family and an insightful doctor. I am grateful I took the time I needed to heal.

Book Review Time!

I am still behind in my reviews! Today I am reviewing Spinning Forward by Terri Dulong. The debut novel follows Sydney Webster on a journey to rediscover herself. At 52, Sydney finds herself alone and penniless after her husband's sudden and unexpected death. His large gambling debts, previously unknown to Sydney, have left her homeless. She is lost. She is confused. She is angry. A dear friend invites her to come and stay at her B&B in Cedar Key, FL to help Sydney regain her footing in her life. To relieve her stress, Sydney turns to spinning wool and knitting. This hobby helps her turn her life around and learn who she will be without her husband.

Overall it was a good, not great, light read. I found the twists, turns, and secrets that came to light somewhat predictable. If you are not one to sit and think about why information is included in a story, you may not see all the "surprises" coming. There is also a semi-spiritual component to this story that I found odd. I did enjoy the characters. While I think Sydney could have been developed better, I enjoyed the quirky secondary personalities.

Overall, I am glad I took the time to read this story. It was a well-paced and enjoyable read. The characters and their dialogue had me laughing on several occasions. If she writes another novel, I will probably read it too.

The Magic of Christmas

When I was growing up, Christmas was my favorite time of year. I have always loved everything about this holiday: the food, the crazy family, the decorations, the holiday movies. I loved coming home and seeing the tree all lit up, the smell of cookies baking while holiday music played in the background. I loved decorating the fifty gazillion Christmas cookies Mom baked with White Christmas flickering on the television. Most days you could have taken a picture of our home and family and it would have looked like a Norman Rockwell painting.

Then I became the Mom. Suddenly choosing the traditions I wished to continue became much more important. Creating a new tradition or two was also a priority. Is a visit to Santa at the mall more important than decorating cookies? Is it imperative that the picture on the Christmas card be festive, or could it just be a cute picture from earlier in the year? Do I really want to make the cute calendar of the kids for all the family members each year? Do I want the Christmas letter to be a funny representation of our year or more of a play-by-play? With so many choices, it is easy to get overwhelmed.

As a kid I had no idea all that the picture perfect Christmas entailed. I had no idea that from Thanksgiving forward Christmas was an extra two hours of work each day. I didn't know there would be years I would not decorate at all (when Sweet Pea was almost 2 and I was pregnant with Panda Girl ) due to being out of town for the actual holiday. I had no idea we would be participating in a new and wonderful tradition involving an elf and a shelf (sadly, our elf has gone missing this morning - he is probably buried under the mound of junk on the floor somewhere, ahem). I had no idea that I would rather stand outside naked than take the girls Christmas shopping alone. I certainly didn't understand the extent of parents' exhaustion during these weeks leading up to the big day.

While this time of year can drive a mom nuts, I also have a better understanding of the magic of Christmas. I loved Panda Girl's first Christmas last year. Surprisingly she was very animated and interested while we opened gifts. She was charming and cute. I am loving Sweet Pea's adorable anticipation this year. Since this is her fourth Christmas, she knows the drill. She is beside herself with excitement. She is loving watching her cute holiday shows on TV. She has been loving Christmas carols, she was singing them in the shower the other day. It was so sweet. Thus, while I never truly appreciated the work that this holiday can bring, I also never understood the deep joy that comes from Christmas either. The little ladies have brought that to me in a way no one else ever could. Thus, this is still my favorite time of year. I just need to use lots of caffeine to stay awake and enjoy it.