I have odd children. They do not love parades. They actually dislike parades, as was confirmed yesterday. We attended the annual rodeo parade. Historically it rains on this parade. This year was cold, but clear. Thus, the entire city bundled up and headed downtown to watch the horses, bands and floats. We were no different. We arrived promptly at 10, the appointed time of the start of the parade. Apparently, we were about a half hour late to get a good spot. So, we threw the little ladies on our shoulders and watched the show. For about 15 minutes. Then the girls were done. Sweet Pea had put herself back into the stroller and Panda Girl was whining. We had thought this would be a fun activity. Clearly we were mistaken.
Our lives have changed since the little ladies arrived on the scene. We have been fortunate to meet many great people with kids the same ages as our girls. We feel grateful to have people to share in our triumphs and, more importantly, in our defeats. However, I sometimes miss my other friends. The friends who do not have children. We had so much in common five years ago. Now, very little. Since my life revolves around the little ladies at this stage, I have a difficult time relating to the issues of office politics. My heart does not belong to my career. It belongs to my family. Not only that, the career aspirations I once held dear have evaporated. The activities we once enjoyed together can seem pointless, a bit of a waste of time.
However, I do have friends I truly miss. When I am with them I usually enjoy the company. Many of them have wonderful stories and are highly entertaining. The problem comes up when I do not feel free to talk about my little ladies. I become just a mom, not a the dynamic person of my past. It is an odd thing to have been where they are now, have some memories of that time, and know they have no way of relating to me. Some of them want to relate, others wish they could relate, the minority want to forget how different I am now. They want things to be as they were five years ago.
I feel as if I am at a parade. People are having fun all around me. The people I am with are fun people. They have not changed. I have changed. The flash I see around me is impressive, but it isn't me. These days I just want to snuggle up to my sweet husband with a glass of wine at the end of the day. I want to spend time talking to him about our girls. No one understands them like we do, and I enjoy sharing the experience with him. To me, that is the most enjoyable activity of all.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Snotty
The little ladies and Husband all have some sort of winter cold. The kind where you are tired, snotty, cranky, and have a constant sore throat. Did I mention the snot? Sweet Pea is mostly able to handle her own snot. She may need a friendly reminder to use a tissue every now and then, but she is mostly self-sufficient. Panda Girl is not. She seems to be covered in a thin layer of snot all the time these days. With her it is difficult to tell if it is a cold or just teething. I suppose it does not really matter because the end result is the same: snot.
This morning when Sweet Pea woke up and I was hanging out in her room with her, I started thinking about when she was a baby. I have no idea what brought on this sudden nostalgia, but I indulged myself. While she was a difficult baby, she was also adorable. She loved to jump and move. Then I realized that she is already four. She is potty trained. She can eat by herself. She can dress herself. She even knows most of her manners. She is suddenly interested in learning to read. It has gone quicker than I imagined possible.
Panda Girl is hitting "that" stage. She will be two in April. I have been dreading this stage a bit, but I am realizing she will be very different from her big sister. Panda Girl has a much higher tolerance for frustration and has more self-control than her sister. Hopefully this will translate into an "easier" kiddo. Sweet Pea just about killed me at this stage, so I am hoping Panda Girl will go easy on her mommy. However, I am being careful not to wish the next two years away. I know they will fly by on their own. At that point all will be able to handle snot by themselves, except for maybe Husband.
This morning when Sweet Pea woke up and I was hanging out in her room with her, I started thinking about when she was a baby. I have no idea what brought on this sudden nostalgia, but I indulged myself. While she was a difficult baby, she was also adorable. She loved to jump and move. Then I realized that she is already four. She is potty trained. She can eat by herself. She can dress herself. She even knows most of her manners. She is suddenly interested in learning to read. It has gone quicker than I imagined possible.
Panda Girl is hitting "that" stage. She will be two in April. I have been dreading this stage a bit, but I am realizing she will be very different from her big sister. Panda Girl has a much higher tolerance for frustration and has more self-control than her sister. Hopefully this will translate into an "easier" kiddo. Sweet Pea just about killed me at this stage, so I am hoping Panda Girl will go easy on her mommy. However, I am being careful not to wish the next two years away. I know they will fly by on their own. At that point all will be able to handle snot by themselves, except for maybe Husband.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Final Stage
I attended my MOPS meeting today. I always enjoy MOPS. The ladies in my group are open and honest. They are fun and have adorable kiddos. As I have mentioned before, we have a speaker each week. This week's speaker discussed grief. This woman is uniquely qualified to speak on this difficult topic. She has a masters in counseling. As a practicing counselor, she helped many through losses of their own. Four years ago, just weeks after Sweet Pea's birth, she was dealt her own blow.
Speaker went into the hospital expecting a healthy baby boy. This was her third child. Her first two children were happy and healthy girls. Although she struggled to conceive, she had delivered two children without incident. When Baby Boy was born, he was blue. As in not breathing. He was rushed to the NICU. Speaker was devastated. She missed out on her own special bonding time with Baby Boy. That special time she had enjoyed with her girls. However, she assumed he would be fine in a few hours, or days at the most. Little did she know how long it would be until she could actually hold Baby Boy in her arms.
Six weeks later, she was finally able to hold him. During that time he had needed assistance breathing. He was diagnosed with a heart defect and CP. She is certain there is some underlying medical reason he has so many health problems. However, no doctor has been able to give her and her family an accurate diagnosis. His life expectancy is totally unknown. She has to be ready for him to die at any moment.
As I wrote earlier, she is a qualified woman to speak about grief. One of her points is that we grieve for many different reasons. We grieve over the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of a dream. I found that I could relate to her more than I expected possible. What do I have in common with a woman whose child is as ill as hers? Clearly my struggles are minute by comparison. I have two healthy girls. I do not fear losing the little ladies in the way she must fear losing her sweet boy. However, I think grief is one reason I have struggled with motherhood. In most ways I have not been the mother of my imagination. I am impatient and short-tempered. I do not enjoy chasing games or kids' music. Clearly we all fall short of our own expectations. This is true of everyone. However, I tend to have totally unrealistic expectations of myself. This has been a struggle my whole life. I always assumed I could handle anything with just a little grit and determination. However, crazy hormones do not care about your determination. I have often found myself completely and totally disappointed in my efforts. Thus, I grieve the mother of my expectations.
The last stage of grief is typically acceptance. Speaker took that concept one step further. She asserts that empowerment is the final stage. Speaker freely acknowledges that most people do not reach that stage. For the lucky ones, the determined ones, empowerment can be realized. I feel that I am finally getting to acceptance. I will now focus my energies into empowerment. I am throwing around ideas to use my experiences to help others ease their journey into parenthood. I truly believe my struggles are in no way unique to me. I have talked to too many other women in similar circumstances to consider myself special or different from them. I'm praying to find a new, creative way to help as many as possible who are struggling. They need to know they are not alone. This journey is too arduous to set out alone and unequipped.
Speaker went into the hospital expecting a healthy baby boy. This was her third child. Her first two children were happy and healthy girls. Although she struggled to conceive, she had delivered two children without incident. When Baby Boy was born, he was blue. As in not breathing. He was rushed to the NICU. Speaker was devastated. She missed out on her own special bonding time with Baby Boy. That special time she had enjoyed with her girls. However, she assumed he would be fine in a few hours, or days at the most. Little did she know how long it would be until she could actually hold Baby Boy in her arms.
Six weeks later, she was finally able to hold him. During that time he had needed assistance breathing. He was diagnosed with a heart defect and CP. She is certain there is some underlying medical reason he has so many health problems. However, no doctor has been able to give her and her family an accurate diagnosis. His life expectancy is totally unknown. She has to be ready for him to die at any moment.
As I wrote earlier, she is a qualified woman to speak about grief. One of her points is that we grieve for many different reasons. We grieve over the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of a dream. I found that I could relate to her more than I expected possible. What do I have in common with a woman whose child is as ill as hers? Clearly my struggles are minute by comparison. I have two healthy girls. I do not fear losing the little ladies in the way she must fear losing her sweet boy. However, I think grief is one reason I have struggled with motherhood. In most ways I have not been the mother of my imagination. I am impatient and short-tempered. I do not enjoy chasing games or kids' music. Clearly we all fall short of our own expectations. This is true of everyone. However, I tend to have totally unrealistic expectations of myself. This has been a struggle my whole life. I always assumed I could handle anything with just a little grit and determination. However, crazy hormones do not care about your determination. I have often found myself completely and totally disappointed in my efforts. Thus, I grieve the mother of my expectations.
The last stage of grief is typically acceptance. Speaker took that concept one step further. She asserts that empowerment is the final stage. Speaker freely acknowledges that most people do not reach that stage. For the lucky ones, the determined ones, empowerment can be realized. I feel that I am finally getting to acceptance. I will now focus my energies into empowerment. I am throwing around ideas to use my experiences to help others ease their journey into parenthood. I truly believe my struggles are in no way unique to me. I have talked to too many other women in similar circumstances to consider myself special or different from them. I'm praying to find a new, creative way to help as many as possible who are struggling. They need to know they are not alone. This journey is too arduous to set out alone and unequipped.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day
Today is Valentine's Day. I have never been a huge fan of this holiday. It is fun when you are a Valentine's Day winner. To be honest, I was usually a winner. There were a couple lonely years, but most of the time I had a date. I am unsure why I never became enamored of this day of love. I suppose it just seemed silly to me. I am of the opinion that if you love someone, you should show them your love daily. If you do show your love daily, you do not need proof on one specific day in February.
Each year since Sweet Pea entered our lives, someone has been ill on Valentine's Day. I'm not talking about a common cold either. I am talking about the tummy flu. Every year. The first year, Sweet Pea was only four weeks old. Husband came home from work ill. I think that is the only year was afflicted. The other years it was either Sweet Pea or I, until last year it was Panda Girl. So far this year seems to be flu free. I refuse to be premature in my declaration of health because we still have a few hours to go on this Valentine's Day.
This year I planned for the inevitable illness. I kept our schedule totally open this weekend anticipating the onslaught of puke. Other years I have not taken these steps and always had to cancel plans at the last minute. So here is the question I have been asking myself: Is it better to anticipate the worst or is it better to hope for the best? Should I have planned something fun this year for Husband and I? Is disappointment better or worse than loss of anticipation?
These questions, of course, leads to the following: How often do I do this in my daily life? Do I plan for the worst so much that I miss out on the joy of anticipating happiness? Or, am I simply realistic? I like to think of myself as a realist. I reject that we are all either optimists or pessimists. I think I can be either, it just depends on the situation. Take tonight as an example. As mentioned earlier, I did not make plans. However, we did go out for Valentine's Day. We dressed the girls up and hit the road. At first we tried a couple of more popular favorites, they all had unreasonable waits (seriously, what toddler is going to wait an hour to be seated?). We ended up at a small Indian restaurant. It is a place we go to regularly, if not often. They graciously seated us and were prompt with the food and reasonable with the price. The little ladies just shared our food. There were no meltdowns. There was some bargaining/bribing. There were some distracting games. However, it was a fun evening. The little ladies got to enjoy a special night out with their parents (they are, of course, our valentines too) and we have a happy memory of our first successful Valentine's Day as parents.
I do not think a pessimist would have set out on this dinner journey tonight. However, I was also realistic enough to know my little ladies' limits. We were pushing them enough without expecting them to meet impossible standards. Overall I am thankful we took the chance to go out. Sitting home would have seemed too mundane. We have mundane all the time. We do not have reasons to go out and celebrate each day. I am so glad we did today.
Each year since Sweet Pea entered our lives, someone has been ill on Valentine's Day. I'm not talking about a common cold either. I am talking about the tummy flu. Every year. The first year, Sweet Pea was only four weeks old. Husband came home from work ill. I think that is the only year was afflicted. The other years it was either Sweet Pea or I, until last year it was Panda Girl. So far this year seems to be flu free. I refuse to be premature in my declaration of health because we still have a few hours to go on this Valentine's Day.
This year I planned for the inevitable illness. I kept our schedule totally open this weekend anticipating the onslaught of puke. Other years I have not taken these steps and always had to cancel plans at the last minute. So here is the question I have been asking myself: Is it better to anticipate the worst or is it better to hope for the best? Should I have planned something fun this year for Husband and I? Is disappointment better or worse than loss of anticipation?
These questions, of course, leads to the following: How often do I do this in my daily life? Do I plan for the worst so much that I miss out on the joy of anticipating happiness? Or, am I simply realistic? I like to think of myself as a realist. I reject that we are all either optimists or pessimists. I think I can be either, it just depends on the situation. Take tonight as an example. As mentioned earlier, I did not make plans. However, we did go out for Valentine's Day. We dressed the girls up and hit the road. At first we tried a couple of more popular favorites, they all had unreasonable waits (seriously, what toddler is going to wait an hour to be seated?). We ended up at a small Indian restaurant. It is a place we go to regularly, if not often. They graciously seated us and were prompt with the food and reasonable with the price. The little ladies just shared our food. There were no meltdowns. There was some bargaining/bribing. There were some distracting games. However, it was a fun evening. The little ladies got to enjoy a special night out with their parents (they are, of course, our valentines too) and we have a happy memory of our first successful Valentine's Day as parents.
I do not think a pessimist would have set out on this dinner journey tonight. However, I was also realistic enough to know my little ladies' limits. We were pushing them enough without expecting them to meet impossible standards. Overall I am thankful we took the chance to go out. Sitting home would have seemed too mundane. We have mundane all the time. We do not have reasons to go out and celebrate each day. I am so glad we did today.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Snow Day!
Sweet Pea attends a fantastic preschool. They are good about having fun events for the kids: Halloween Parade, Snow Day, Chuck-wagon Lunch Day (with Dads), etc. Today was Snow Day. The weather here has been crummy lately, so today was the third scheduled day for this event. Thankfully today proved to be the perfect day for Snow Day. It was a sunny and relatively cold day today: we had a high of 50.
At precisely 10:40 the Red Ladybug and Green Gator classes descended upon the 6x12 ft. patch of snow. The squeals of delight were priceless. We live in a place where snow is something that only comes around every few years. When it does come, it rarely sticks to anything. Thus, this was a new experience for many of the children. As with any new experience, the kids had varying reactions. The texture was unfamiliar. Kids were slipping and sliding everywhere (typically into mud puddles formed from the rapidly melting mound). The activity was out of the ordinary. There were moms everywhere snapping pictures of their precious progeny. There were several snow toys - think beach toys adapted for a new use. However, there were not enough for everyone. All of this newness was much to handle for a group of three and four year olds.
By 11:05 the festivities were done. I know, that does not sound like much time to fully explore the snow. It turns out, it was actually about 5 minutes too many. As the ladybug class lined up to retreat into the warmth of the classroom there was a collective wail. They were overstimulated. They were tired. The mommies were leaving. I am sure a Snow Day veteran would have expected this to happen. However, as a rookie I was shocked. Sweet Pea loves school. She typically runs into class with nary a backward glance. However, today was different. You can call it exhaustion, call it peer pressure, call it over-stimulation. One thing was abundantly clear: I was not getting out of there without a full meltdown.
Tonight I am going to try something new. I am going to a knitting class. Alone. I have taken random classes in the past, but never alone. I also rarely show up to something knowing exactly zero about the topic. I am a quick learner. However, I also frustrate quite easily. My family tells me it is because everything has always come easily to me. Motherhood has been the one, glaring, exception to that rule. I am curious to find out if I have cultivated more patience for myself. I know I am now more patient with children than I ever thought possible. Will I extend that same grace to myself? If history is any guide, the answer will be no. However, I am hoping to leave history behind and embrace a new future. Otherwise, I will not be getting out of there without a full meltdown.
It turns out Sweet Pea only had a partial meltdown. The blow of Mommy leaving was softened by lots of hugs and kisses and a promise to return in a few hours. Thankfully, she settled in and had fun the rest of the day. I am hoping tonight's outing will be just as successful.
At precisely 10:40 the Red Ladybug and Green Gator classes descended upon the 6x12 ft. patch of snow. The squeals of delight were priceless. We live in a place where snow is something that only comes around every few years. When it does come, it rarely sticks to anything. Thus, this was a new experience for many of the children. As with any new experience, the kids had varying reactions. The texture was unfamiliar. Kids were slipping and sliding everywhere (typically into mud puddles formed from the rapidly melting mound). The activity was out of the ordinary. There were moms everywhere snapping pictures of their precious progeny. There were several snow toys - think beach toys adapted for a new use. However, there were not enough for everyone. All of this newness was much to handle for a group of three and four year olds.
By 11:05 the festivities were done. I know, that does not sound like much time to fully explore the snow. It turns out, it was actually about 5 minutes too many. As the ladybug class lined up to retreat into the warmth of the classroom there was a collective wail. They were overstimulated. They were tired. The mommies were leaving. I am sure a Snow Day veteran would have expected this to happen. However, as a rookie I was shocked. Sweet Pea loves school. She typically runs into class with nary a backward glance. However, today was different. You can call it exhaustion, call it peer pressure, call it over-stimulation. One thing was abundantly clear: I was not getting out of there without a full meltdown.
Tonight I am going to try something new. I am going to a knitting class. Alone. I have taken random classes in the past, but never alone. I also rarely show up to something knowing exactly zero about the topic. I am a quick learner. However, I also frustrate quite easily. My family tells me it is because everything has always come easily to me. Motherhood has been the one, glaring, exception to that rule. I am curious to find out if I have cultivated more patience for myself. I know I am now more patient with children than I ever thought possible. Will I extend that same grace to myself? If history is any guide, the answer will be no. However, I am hoping to leave history behind and embrace a new future. Otherwise, I will not be getting out of there without a full meltdown.
It turns out Sweet Pea only had a partial meltdown. The blow of Mommy leaving was softened by lots of hugs and kisses and a promise to return in a few hours. Thankfully, she settled in and had fun the rest of the day. I am hoping tonight's outing will be just as successful.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Book Review Time!
I just finished another book. I wanted something light and easy to read. Previously I had read The Happiness Project and NurtureShock (I know I have not reviewed NurtureShock yet, but I promise it is coming). While I enjoyed both books and learned more than my little brain can process, I was done with learning for a bit. I am still ruminating on all the information presented in both books, so some fluff was in order. I was hoping The Divorce Party would be funny and light. It was certainly not funny and not nearly as light as I had hoped. I think my incorrect expectation set this book up poorly for me. For once, I was not eager to read this novel each night. It is rare that I find myself in that situation. Reading is one of my great joys in life, and reading The Divorce Party did not add to that joy.
The story takes place in one day. It is a day that is pivotal in the lives of Gwen and Maggie. Gwen is a well-to-do woman who lives with her husband in Montauk, New York. She and her husband have decided to divorce, ostensibly because he has found Buddhism and feels there is no room for Gwen in his life anymore. Thus, they are parting ways. Gwen tells Thomas, her husband, that she would like to have a divorce party to celebrate their 35 years of marriage with all of their friends and family. Gwen and Thomas have two adult children: Nate and Georgia. Nate is engaged to Maggie. Maggie has yet to meet her future in-laws. She and Nate are venturing to Montauk for the divorce party. Unfortunately Nate has been less than candid with Maggie about his past. Just before leaving Nate drops a huge bomb on Maggie that leaves her reeling.
The book alternates between telling the story from Gwen's and Maggie's points of view. I enjoyed the style and the idea of the whole story involving one important day. I found that interesting. However, I found the story to be predictable. I think that is why I was uninterested in picking it up each night. I felt I already knew the outcome (and it turns out, I did). I like novels to go in places I would not imagine. I find that harder to find the more I read. Thus, the problem may lie more with me than with the authors.
Overall, I don't think I can recommend this one. It isn't that it was bad, it just was not very good. Hopefully the next one I read will be better.
The story takes place in one day. It is a day that is pivotal in the lives of Gwen and Maggie. Gwen is a well-to-do woman who lives with her husband in Montauk, New York. She and her husband have decided to divorce, ostensibly because he has found Buddhism and feels there is no room for Gwen in his life anymore. Thus, they are parting ways. Gwen tells Thomas, her husband, that she would like to have a divorce party to celebrate their 35 years of marriage with all of their friends and family. Gwen and Thomas have two adult children: Nate and Georgia. Nate is engaged to Maggie. Maggie has yet to meet her future in-laws. She and Nate are venturing to Montauk for the divorce party. Unfortunately Nate has been less than candid with Maggie about his past. Just before leaving Nate drops a huge bomb on Maggie that leaves her reeling.
The book alternates between telling the story from Gwen's and Maggie's points of view. I enjoyed the style and the idea of the whole story involving one important day. I found that interesting. However, I found the story to be predictable. I think that is why I was uninterested in picking it up each night. I felt I already knew the outcome (and it turns out, I did). I like novels to go in places I would not imagine. I find that harder to find the more I read. Thus, the problem may lie more with me than with the authors.
Overall, I don't think I can recommend this one. It isn't that it was bad, it just was not very good. Hopefully the next one I read will be better.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Progress
I have been trying to lose weight for about a year. At this time last year I was still nursing. Some lucky women loose weight while breastfeeding. My body does not work that way. It has been a source of frustration for me. My body not only does not loose weight, it gains weight. If I diet while nursing I lose my supply and my body packs on fat. I have no idea why my metabolism is so evil during this time. No doctors have ever been able to explain it to me. In essence I am in pregnancy weight gain for about two years with each baby. I only took nine months between when I stopped nursing Sweet Pea before becoming pregnant with Panda Girl. Obviously I had not lost all my weight in that short amount of time after packing it on for so long. Thus, at this point last year my physical health was abysmal. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was overweight (still am). However, once I stopped breastfeeding Panda Girl I told myself it was time to get myself back in shape. I started working out regularly last April. My progress has been slow. I was not good about modifying my diet until December. I have, however, lost one pant size. I realize it is not much, but it is something.
Last week was exhausting for me. I don't think I realized how drained I was becoming until Saturday. We had a wonderful breakfast at our local zoo in the reptile house. I am grateful we get to take our children to participate in these wonderful experiences. It is not everyday that you get to finish your muffin and run off to pet a baby kimodo dragon (who was not very keen on being manhandled by the public, btw). I was glad I was there to watch the delight on their faces as they touched a snake for the first time. However, I could not stop yawning.
Once breakfast was finished we stayed at the zoo to play for a bit longer. It was a rare beautiful day, and we were determined to enjoy it. We saw the giraffes, elephants, zebras and cranes. We rode the carousel, twice. We petted goats in the petting zoo. The little ladies played on the playground. Once we got home and had fed the ladies and put them down for naps, I collapsed on the bed. I slept the whole time they did.
I could not figure out why I was struggling so much. Then I thought about the week. Sweet Pea's school had an in service Monday. She was sick and stayed home from school Thursday. Panda Girl's school had an in service on Thursday, too. We took long and crazy trips to Michael's to get supplies for Sweet Pea's Valentine's Party favors. We made homemade Valentines for Sweet Pea's school friends. We made Valentine's cupcakes. We ate at home all week. I did all the laundry in the whole house.
I don't say all this to complain about how busy I am as a stay at home mom. That I run around chasing my tail all day, everyday, is expected. What was different was the lack of time to spend on myself. Early in the week was pretty good, but by the end I had spent no time on myself since Tuesday. Clearly, that is not ideal. I had not even exercised. It is amazing how much I needed Husband to step in yesterday to pick up my slack.
So, I went and got some exercise. I made myself a fun and not too caloric dessert last night. I watched shows on television that Husband is not too interested in watching. However, it worked. Today I feel so much better. I have been productive and enjoyed my family. While I did allow myself to be depleted this week, I am proud that I realized it and took steps to feel better. I am slowly learning to be more self-aware. Finally. I see progress. Now if only I could see progress on the scale, hmmm. I guess I need to have faith that eating well and exercising as regularly as my schedule will allow will bear fruit for me eventually. It has worked with my mental health, I am choosing to believe it will work for my physical health too.
Last week was exhausting for me. I don't think I realized how drained I was becoming until Saturday. We had a wonderful breakfast at our local zoo in the reptile house. I am grateful we get to take our children to participate in these wonderful experiences. It is not everyday that you get to finish your muffin and run off to pet a baby kimodo dragon (who was not very keen on being manhandled by the public, btw). I was glad I was there to watch the delight on their faces as they touched a snake for the first time. However, I could not stop yawning.
Once breakfast was finished we stayed at the zoo to play for a bit longer. It was a rare beautiful day, and we were determined to enjoy it. We saw the giraffes, elephants, zebras and cranes. We rode the carousel, twice. We petted goats in the petting zoo. The little ladies played on the playground. Once we got home and had fed the ladies and put them down for naps, I collapsed on the bed. I slept the whole time they did.
I could not figure out why I was struggling so much. Then I thought about the week. Sweet Pea's school had an in service Monday. She was sick and stayed home from school Thursday. Panda Girl's school had an in service on Thursday, too. We took long and crazy trips to Michael's to get supplies for Sweet Pea's Valentine's Party favors. We made homemade Valentines for Sweet Pea's school friends. We made Valentine's cupcakes. We ate at home all week. I did all the laundry in the whole house.
I don't say all this to complain about how busy I am as a stay at home mom. That I run around chasing my tail all day, everyday, is expected. What was different was the lack of time to spend on myself. Early in the week was pretty good, but by the end I had spent no time on myself since Tuesday. Clearly, that is not ideal. I had not even exercised. It is amazing how much I needed Husband to step in yesterday to pick up my slack.
So, I went and got some exercise. I made myself a fun and not too caloric dessert last night. I watched shows on television that Husband is not too interested in watching. However, it worked. Today I feel so much better. I have been productive and enjoyed my family. While I did allow myself to be depleted this week, I am proud that I realized it and took steps to feel better. I am slowly learning to be more self-aware. Finally. I see progress. Now if only I could see progress on the scale, hmmm. I guess I need to have faith that eating well and exercising as regularly as my schedule will allow will bear fruit for me eventually. It has worked with my mental health, I am choosing to believe it will work for my physical health too.
Friday, February 5, 2010
The least I can do
Tonight I went and did a service project with my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. We made beautiful handmade cards for the children of Ft. Hood to send to their parent who is deployed overseas. We are putting together 120 packets of cards. Each packet has 8 cards plus a postcard for the deployed parent to send back to their child. We are supplying the cards, envelopes and stamps for the children. There is an amazingly talented woman in our group who designed all the cards and has organized the whole thing. We spent last Friday night cutting paper strips, squares and flowers (oh so many flowers) for the cards. The Mother's Day card alone has 12 little card stock flowers. Each of the flowers was die cut by us for all 120 packets. As you can imagine this project has been quite the undertaking. We were unable to finish tonight, so we will meet one more time to get it all done in a couple weeks.
As a whole the women in MOPS are caring, considerate, kind people. I have not met one who does not meet that description. Here is what confuses me: very few came to participate in the service project last week or tonight. We all have kids, husbands, etc. to consider and balance in our lives. We all have other things we could be doing instead of making little homemade cards for people we don't know. However, isn't the point of a service project to give up the time to help others? Is it service if the only other thing we would be doing is nothing? I was dismayed that only about 20% of our group showed up to participate on either night. How are we going to teach our kids to help others if we can't give up one Friday night?
I am not trying to sound critical, I just feel frustrated by the general apathy I see in people sometimes. We don't think about the sacrifices other people make to allow us to live free. We feel entitled to our comfortable lives. I am no better. I often turn the channel if the news gets to "real" for me. I have righteous anger towards those who abuse children, yet I have done nothing about it. In some ways it is all very overwhelming. The world is full of problems, I am just one person. One person who does not even handle her own problems well, I certainly can't be trusted to help anyone else. Then I read about people like Greg Mortenson who builds houses in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I look at my friends and family in the military and realize these people are missing seeing their children grow up so I can sleep well at night. These are the people I find inspiring. They make me want to do good for others. Thus, when the opportunity was placed in front of me, I had to go help. It is truly the least I can do for the children and the parents who miss them.
I hope to pass this desire to serve down to my children. I hope they find value in helping those we don't know or see daily. I hope they understand that sometimes Mommy has to go help others. We have different activities we do to help them see how it can be fun to serve too. How are you passing this important concept on to your children? Do you think it is worthwhile? What do you think?
As a whole the women in MOPS are caring, considerate, kind people. I have not met one who does not meet that description. Here is what confuses me: very few came to participate in the service project last week or tonight. We all have kids, husbands, etc. to consider and balance in our lives. We all have other things we could be doing instead of making little homemade cards for people we don't know. However, isn't the point of a service project to give up the time to help others? Is it service if the only other thing we would be doing is nothing? I was dismayed that only about 20% of our group showed up to participate on either night. How are we going to teach our kids to help others if we can't give up one Friday night?
I am not trying to sound critical, I just feel frustrated by the general apathy I see in people sometimes. We don't think about the sacrifices other people make to allow us to live free. We feel entitled to our comfortable lives. I am no better. I often turn the channel if the news gets to "real" for me. I have righteous anger towards those who abuse children, yet I have done nothing about it. In some ways it is all very overwhelming. The world is full of problems, I am just one person. One person who does not even handle her own problems well, I certainly can't be trusted to help anyone else. Then I read about people like Greg Mortenson who builds houses in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I look at my friends and family in the military and realize these people are missing seeing their children grow up so I can sleep well at night. These are the people I find inspiring. They make me want to do good for others. Thus, when the opportunity was placed in front of me, I had to go help. It is truly the least I can do for the children and the parents who miss them.
I hope to pass this desire to serve down to my children. I hope they find value in helping those we don't know or see daily. I hope they understand that sometimes Mommy has to go help others. We have different activities we do to help them see how it can be fun to serve too. How are you passing this important concept on to your children? Do you think it is worthwhile? What do you think?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Overflowing Cup
This afternoon was a bit strange around here. Sweet Pea rarely naps these days, but Panda Girl usually naps consistently. Today Panda Girl threw me for a loop, she hardly slept. I even had to go back into her room after about 30 minutes to remind her to sleep. She was cranky all evening (shocking, I know from an exhausted toddler). I made sure to get her in bed by 7. Sadly, she decided she was not wanting to sleep yet and partied for a good half hour. Thankfully, she got herself to sleep without any further intervention, but the whole situation was so strange.
Often I feel that as soon as I get Sweet Pea or Panda Girl figured out, they change on me. I suppose that is one of the greatest challenges of motherhood. At times these changes are good. Sweet Pea is becoming so sweet and fun and easy these days. She is mostly through the crazy tantrums and difficult toddler behavior. She is easier to enjoy. Panda Girl, on the other hand, is turning into a two year old. My child who always loved to eat is suddenly refusing food she has always loved. These days she only seems to want dried fruit, chocolate milk, water and yogurt. My sweet, easy baby is suddenly screaming through the entire thirty minute grocery store trip because she can't get out of the cart to empty the shelves of all their merchandise. So strange. I suppose I need to get used to all the changes because this is only the beginning.
I feel that I have even changed lately. Today I found myself in a craft store buying supplies to make Sweet Pea's Valentine's cards myself. I am not buying the $2 cards, we are turning it into a project we can enjoy together. A year ago, I didn't even think about the cards until the night before she needed them. So she was stuck with whatever Walgreen's had on clearance the day before Valentine's Day. I suppose this is how I always thought I would handle being a mother. I am glad I am finally able to meet that expectation I had for myself. What is strange is that in order to get here, I needed to focus on myself more. I have realized I can only give from an overflowing cup, not an empty one. I am grateful I can take time to exercise and eat well and visit with friends knowing that all of those activities are actually good for my girls. That realization has given me much more freedom than I had a year ago. With that freedom, I am able to handle Panda Girl's tantrums and enjoy projects with Sweet Pea.
Tomorrow Panda Girl has mother's day out. She is supposed to nap there. I have always had confidence in her ability to sleep there and she has never disappointed me. However, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me with her. I do know, however, that at 6:30 a babysitter is coming so Husband and I can go have dinner with friends. That fact will make tomorrow much easier with a potentially cranky Panda Girl.
Often I feel that as soon as I get Sweet Pea or Panda Girl figured out, they change on me. I suppose that is one of the greatest challenges of motherhood. At times these changes are good. Sweet Pea is becoming so sweet and fun and easy these days. She is mostly through the crazy tantrums and difficult toddler behavior. She is easier to enjoy. Panda Girl, on the other hand, is turning into a two year old. My child who always loved to eat is suddenly refusing food she has always loved. These days she only seems to want dried fruit, chocolate milk, water and yogurt. My sweet, easy baby is suddenly screaming through the entire thirty minute grocery store trip because she can't get out of the cart to empty the shelves of all their merchandise. So strange. I suppose I need to get used to all the changes because this is only the beginning.
I feel that I have even changed lately. Today I found myself in a craft store buying supplies to make Sweet Pea's Valentine's cards myself. I am not buying the $2 cards, we are turning it into a project we can enjoy together. A year ago, I didn't even think about the cards until the night before she needed them. So she was stuck with whatever Walgreen's had on clearance the day before Valentine's Day. I suppose this is how I always thought I would handle being a mother. I am glad I am finally able to meet that expectation I had for myself. What is strange is that in order to get here, I needed to focus on myself more. I have realized I can only give from an overflowing cup, not an empty one. I am grateful I can take time to exercise and eat well and visit with friends knowing that all of those activities are actually good for my girls. That realization has given me much more freedom than I had a year ago. With that freedom, I am able to handle Panda Girl's tantrums and enjoy projects with Sweet Pea.
Tomorrow Panda Girl has mother's day out. She is supposed to nap there. I have always had confidence in her ability to sleep there and she has never disappointed me. However, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me with her. I do know, however, that at 6:30 a babysitter is coming so Husband and I can go have dinner with friends. That fact will make tomorrow much easier with a potentially cranky Panda Girl.
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