Moments

Yesterday was Sweet Pea's Halloween parade and party at preschool. She dressed as a horse and rider. She had a great time. She was thrilled that I was able to come to her party. I had fun enjoying time with her and not worrying about Panda Girl, who was at mother's day out. At one point during the party she turned to me and said, "I love you Mommy". Then she hugged me. It was one of those moments. I still feel my little heart overflowing this morning just thinking about it.

Before we had kids these were the moments I looked forward to experiencing. The times when your heart is so full you are sure it is going to burst. I am thankful for each one I have had with these little ladies. Before I was a mom I had the delusion that these moments would be frequent. I didn't realize they would be so much work to achieve. However, the work makes the moments more special. I know I would take them for granted if I had not invested hours of time and energy in my little ladies.

As I struggled to drift off to sleep last night, I replayed this time with Sweet Pea as Panda Girl partied in her crib for over three hours. Hopefully I will have a good moment with her today because this mommy was not amused by the late night partying. I suppose it is just God's way of keeping us honest.

A Shot in the Arm

Panda Girl had her 18 month old well-check today. She now weighs in at 23+ pounds and is 32 inches tall. She was declared in excellent health. I had brought along Sweet Pea to have her get her seasonal flu vaccine alongside her sister. I had been told the office did not have any H1N1 vaccine available. I had thought, oh well. I'll call again in a couple of weeks and see if some has arrived. Well, as we sat in that disease infested waiting room, there was a UPS delivery. I was too busy following Panda Girl around with hand sanitizer to think about what the office could be receiving.

After visiting with the doctor he asked if I wanted the little ladies to get the H1N1 vaccine. That UPS shipment had contained the vaccine. I told him to sign us up and off he went to get the nurse with the needles. They both got the injections and then lollipops (Panda Girl's first).

Sweet Pea was asking why we had to give them boo-boos to keep them healthy. The concept was totally lost on her. Husband and I started discussing that it is hard for a three year old to comprehend how pain can bring health. As I thought about it more I realized how often adults miss the same message.

We lament out difficult situations. We complain that life is hard. Why is it so hard to believe that this pain and difficulty are used to help us reach our purpose in life? Do we not understand that a life without hardship was never promised to us? These individual experiences make us unique. Thus, we each have something different and important to contribute to our world. While my contribution may be calming little ladies after painful vaccines right now, this phase will not last forever. It is but a season. What is my ultimate purpose? I have no idea. What I do know is that each day I am a little closer to fulfilling the role that is uniquely mine.

The Big D

This morning was chaos. Panda Girl woke up early, so I had plenty of time to get organized. However, it was one of those mornings when the phone rings as you are herding two children and two dogs down the stairs. One of those mornings when you hear yourself growling, "How many times do I have to tell you to get in the car and sit in your seat?". It was one of those mornings when you somehow miss every green light. While I am never a truly calm person, I am a bundle of nerves today.

I have a younger sister. Have I ever mentioned her? Anyway, Sister has been struggling lately. She married the wrong person just over three years ago. The marriage officially started to unravel 18 months ago. By last New Year's Sister had kicked Party Man out of the house. It continued on as one would expect. They would reconcile. Party Man would be caught lying, again. He would be asked to vacate the premesis yet again. And so on and so forth.

Today is The Big D Day. It is Sister's divorce mediation. Party Man has made this process painful and difficult (I know, shocking). They are in the process of arguing over things like china, crystal, and cars as I write. I jump each time the phone rings, hoping to hear of a fair outcome. Although I wonder if there is such a thing in these situations.

My parents and I have been struggling with how to help her through this situation. None of us have been divorced. I am not accustomed to my little sister going through a situation I have never experienced. All I know to do is pray. I am praying this will just be a faint memory soon. I pray she will start to feel whole again once this is all over. In short I am praying for healing.

Distance

This weekend we visited an amazing little farm, Dewberry Farm. It had plenty for the girls to enjoy. Sweet Pea could barely contain her excitement. She was running from the hay mountain, to the giant slide, then over to the fort. It was difficult to keep her close. She kept running off to the next activity. Panda Girl was not any better. She is just slower at this age, thus easy to keep in your sights.

Let's face it, physically losing your child is The Nightmare. I also fear losing them emotionally. Right now it is easy to stay connected. Panda Girl barely leaves my side. She is my little shadow. Sweet Pea's physical ties to me are already becoming looser. She does not miss me while at preschool. She happily runs into class without so much as a backward glance. However, it is easy to see how needed I am to her. When she is upset, she wants a hug. From me. I know the day will come when she will no longer want a hug from me. She will say that I have to tell her she is wonderful, just because I am her mom. She won't understand that she is a truly amazing person.

While chasing her around the farm is physically exhausting, creating the right emotional balance as she grows will be daunting. When the time comes that she is starting to place some emotional distance between us, I pray that we will find a healthy balance. She is supposed to grow up and become more independent. Independence is a great thing. However, I also know that we will always need the wise counsel of our parents. I pray she will turn to me when necessary. I would hate to lose her.

Cleopatra Selene

I took Latin in high school. I thought it could help me have an illustrious legal career later in life. I was sure knowing basic Latin would help me with the legal terms I was certain to encounter. Life doesn't always turn out as you plan. So instead of a legal career, I have a "Mommy where are my shoes?" career.

During that class we learned a bit about ancient Rome. It makes sense to teach in the context of a Latin class. I don't remember learning about Cleopatra. While she was not Roman, she had an impact on ancient Rome. I knew she hooked up with both Julius Caesar and Marc Antony. What I did not know is that her union with Marc Antony created three children. The first two were twins. The son was named Alexander Helios (sun) and the daughter was named Cleopatra Selene (moon). The third was a boy named Ptolemy. When Octavian (later known as Caesar Augustus) captured Egypt, Cleopatra and Antony both, famously, committed suicide. I knew about their demise. I had not understood that they left behind three young kids. I can't imagine placing that burden on my children. Think of the therapy bills!

The book I just finished was: Cleopatra's Daughter: A Novel by Michelle Moran. The novel tells the story of Selene and her brother's through Selene's voice. This made for a fascinating novel. I learned about ancient Egypt. I had known Alexandria had been a cultural and intellectual center of the ancient world. It wasn't until this novel that I understood the disparity between Alexandria and Rome.

The book was paced well. It was interesting to read. The characters were well developed and interesting. The history came alive. It is heartbreaking and full of hope. There is definitely some fiction in the book to help the story. However, since the players lived over two thousand years ago, there is much of their lives that has been lost anyway. The author does separate the truth from the fiction in the prologue. She also tells how each of the main character's lives play out. I was grateful she took the extra time to complete each character's story. It helped create closure.

While I probably should have taken Spanish, I do live in Texas, I am glad for the history I did learn in high school Latin. It helps give me a great context for books like this. While that was not the intended usage, it is enough for me.

Anxiety

Panda Girl has been experiencing separation anxiety. Her experience has been very different than Sweet Pea's. Sweet Pea would struggle from the time I left her until I picked her back up. Panda Girl has a harder time with the anticipation of being left. From what I have been told, she is perfectly happy once I am actually gone. However, during the times when she is sure we are going to leave her, she is a handful. She cries and clings and fusses. Often she misses out on fun things during these moments. She could be playing with her grandparents. She could be "reading" a book. She could be enjoying a happy mommy instead of a stressed out one.

I can't even count the number of times the anticipation of something bad happening was worse than the actual event. An example: My labor with Panda Girl. Labor with Sweet Pea was much more complicated than any of us had anticipated. She was "sunny-side up". Thus there was back labor and an effort to make her roll over. She did eventually roll. However, then she was in distress. Thankfully I was able to deliver her quickly, making the impending c-section unnecessary. Thus, when faced with Panda Girl's birth, I was terrified. Clearly Sweet Pea had been worth the trauma, but that did not mean her birth was something I wanted to relive. Panda Girl's entrance into the world was remarkably uneventful. Other than being large (with an inordinately huge head), there were no surprises. It was straightforward and easy (once the epidural took effect). In no way had it been worth all the worrying that had preceded it.

So often I fear the unknown. Or, I have enough knowledge to make me think I can anticipate an outcome. How often are my fears actually realized? Very rarely. So why do I get myself all worked up over nothing? I suppose Panda Girl is just like me. It is amazing how easy it is to see this personality quirk in her, but how difficult it is to see in myself. Here's hoping she can teach me how to let go and live in the current moment. I don't want to miss the good stuff right before my eyes while anticipating something that will probably never come to fruition.

Review!!

I recently finished The Bright Side of Disaster by Katherine Center. This was Center's debut novel. The plot was not particularly original. In many ways the story is as old as time: Boy meets Girl. Boy moves in with Girl. Boy proposes to Girl. Girl gets pregnant. Boy leaves Girl. We have all read this story, seen this movie, had this friend.

However, what makes this novel worth reading is the characters. Jenny, the protagonist, is wonderfully written. Her emotions are real. She has a big heart. You root for her, even when she makes stupid mistakes. We see the mistakes from a mile away. She, however, does not. I found her endearing.

While I liked Center's second novel better, this one is worth reading. It is light. It is quick. It would make a wonderful beach book.

Father Damien

Father Damien of Molokai was canonized this week by Pope Benedict XVI. Father Damien lived, worked and died among the lepers of Molokai. When the citizens of Hawaii were afflicted with Hansen's Disease (leprosy) in the 19th century, all victims of the disease were sent to an exile colony on Molokai. They were not given proper homes, medical care or sufficient food. The colony slipped into chaos.

Father Damien came to Molokai to put the colony back together. He understood the risks to his own health, as very little was understood about how the disease was transmitted. He built homes and a church, dressed wounds, farmed the land and created a sense of community. His treatment of the sick has made him an example of how people should treat those with modern diseases, such as HIV/AIDS.

Hansen's Disease is caused by bacteria. It causes nerve damage, lesions and, ultimately, death. It is painful and disfiguring. It is estimated that as many as 95% of people have natural immunity to Hansen's Disease. However, many Hawaiians were in the 5% minority due to the geographic isolation of the islands. This natural immunity is why many missionaries were able to live and work among the sufferers without contracting the disease. Thankfully, modern medicine can now cure Hansen's Disease with a cocktail of antibiotics.

This was not the first I had heard of Father Damien. There is a wonderful novel, Molokai, by Alan Brennert. It follows the human side of those in the colony. It tells of the tragedy of children being ripped from their homes and families because of this misunderstood disease. This is a well-written novel that truly tugs at your heart. The novel picks up after Father Damien's death, but he is mentioned often throughout the novel. I hope you will take the time to read this important story. I learned much about a bit of history I had been unaware existed.

Yeah! I Did It!

I did it. I found a babysitter. After procrastinating for months, I have found a woman who I feel confident can take good care of our little ladies. It is time for Husband and I to start acting like a married couple (rather than just parents) again.

Our trip to New Orleans was great. We laughed together. We remembered why we liked each other in the first place. I want to continue this trend. Husband would rather continue to rely on family to watch the kids. We will still ask them for help from time to time. I like the idea of having a very capable young woman come and take care of them. I don't feel guilty asking a babysitter to come. I'm paying her. She is getting something tangible in return for her work. I am not inconveniencing her.

I truly hope this will bring us closer. We have always had a strong marriage. I just want to ensure it stays strong. With little ladies it requires more forethought. This is the start of that effort. I hope it goes well.

Sitting in Judgement

I am lucky enough to live in Houston, where Beth Moore has her weekly Bible study. The topic of our current study is Revelation. We are attempting to get through the Book of Revelation in 11 weeks. Clearly, we are not going to be able to study the whole book in-depth. Revelation is a book that has always intimidated me. My perfunctory knowledge includes the fact that judgement is one of the themes of the book. However, the book has always held mystery to me.

It is not always easy to make friends with other moms. I click with some immediately. I just know we will get along (I usually realize later that these women have many of the same traits my husband possesses). Others, make me leery. I know many moms are very judgemental. Some like to engage in the "mommy wars". I am not sure what the allure is to propagating these battles. They are not productive. They are unkind. It is not always clear which mom is going to be the "judgy" one. It is enough to make this mama nervous.

All I can figure out is this judgement comes from a place of insecurity. Since many of us are very insecure, it is much easier to rush to judgement than admit to this dirty little secret. I think this is especially true of first time moms. It is even more true of first time moms who happen to give birth to their "easy" child first. They tend to think all kids are like their little angel. They have no idea what it is to have a, shall we say, spirited child.

Thus, I guess I do have a good understanding of one theme of Revelation. It's the others that are such a mystery.

Imposter

It's official. I am officially one of "those" moms. I am the mom who is taking the easy way out. I am dodging the proverbial bullet. I don't feel one bit guilty.

Each year my parents do something special with each little lady on her half birthday. When Sweet Pea turned two and a half, she was obsessed with fish. So, her grandparents took her to get her very own beta. We found him a nice spot on the kitchen counter that was devoid of direct sunlight and drafts. The little ladies could not reach him without assistance. He was blue and surprisingly interactive. He liked to "dance" whenever we approached his bowl. I even found myself talking to him from time to time. He was a very good listener.

A couple weeks ago we noticed Mr. Fish was not looking very good. We changed his water and looked up fish ailments on the internet. Alas, it was not enough. I came downstairs one morning to see Mr. Fish at the bottom of his bowl, devoid of life. I do not handle dead fish. It is not my thing. So, once Husband was home, Mr. Fish was properly disposed of, or so I am told. As I said, it's not my thing. I prayed the little ladies would not notice. I was not interested in explaining death due to a very small, although loved, fish.

This morning Sweet Pea asked where Mr. Fish was hiding. I simply replied that he was sleeping. Thankfully, she accepted my explanation and was quickly on to the next thing. However, I realized I had a problem on my hands. I needed an explanation. I needed to be loving and sweetly explain that Mr. Fish went to fish heaven to be with God. I needed to find a replacement. Today. This morning after taking Panda Girl and Sweet Pea to school, I headed to the pet store. There, in all his glory was Mr. Fish's long lost twin.

Thus, I am that parent today. I am not feeling equal to the task of explaining death to my three year old. I am cheating. Do you think she will notice? Let's hope she won't, because I am a huge coward.

Inspirational

My book club chose Same Kind of Different as Me for our current selection. If you are looking for an inspirational read, I highly suggest this memoir. It tells the story of two very different men's lives. These two men have polar opposite situations in life. They are brought together by one incredible woman. The story is told in two distinct voices. Denver's is told in his dialect. Ron's has a more proper voice. I enjoyed the two styles, but I don't mind dialects.

Denver is a black man living on the streets of Ft. Worth, Texas. He was never given much of a chance for a "normal" life. Born into a sharecropping family, Denver never attended school. Never. The "Man", who owned the land Denver and his family farmed, purposely kept his workers uneducated. Denver and his family was completely illiterate. Thus, they had no way of knowing how much cotton they had produced or how much it was worth. All of their belongings were purchased on credit from the "Man". He kept the books. Thus, they were basically modern-day slaves.

Ron is a wealthy international art dealer in Ft. Worth. Luck brought him his career and much of his success. He attended Texas Christian University. He married a wonderful woman and had two great kids. He took everything he had for granted. Everything. He became complacent and judgemental.

Ron's wife Debbie brings these two men together. They never expected to become friends. However, life brought them together in an unbreakable way. The story is interesting and full of contrast. I laughed and I cried. Sometimes I loved each character and sometimes I loathed each character. They are so true and real. In the end the story was irresistable.

Leaving on a jet plane

Husband's job takes him away from us on a regular basis. The destinations are never glamorous. He typically goes to either the New Orleans area or to College Station, TX. He does have some flexibility. If there is something I need him to attend, he tries to work around the event. However, this is not the easiest schedule to manage. I rarely know very far in advance when he is leaving. Thus, I typically expect him to be gone. If he stays in town that week, it is a bonus.

One thing I know about kids is how much they crave a routine. It makes them feel secure. Panda Girl has been having separation anxiety on and off for months. It seems that just as we get it under control, he heads out of town, and the anxious behavior returns. The last few days have been better. Husband has been gone and Panda Girl has handled it well. So far. Tomorrow is going to turn her little world upside down.

Tomorrow Husband has to go back to New Orleans in order to attend a class on Sunday. Sadly for him, he has not seen Panda Girl since Tuesday. He saw Sweet Pea for ten minutes before bed on Wednesday, but that is all. He will be gone until Thursday night. I don't know how he goes that long without loving on our sweet babies. I am sure it is hard on him.

Since he knew this was going to be a long stretch for me, he was kind enough to ask me to accompany him. Thus, tomorrow we are leaving the little ladies with my parents and jetting off to New Orleans. I am very excited to go (I am coming home Monday at noon). This is only the second time we are leaving the girls overnight since Panda Girl was born, she is 17 months. I hope this will not be too much for my littlest lady to handle.

Thoughts on Memoirs

I love a well written memoir. I find them fascinating. The book I am reading now is a memoir. It was chosen by our book club to be our next conquest. When ordering the book for my Kindle 2, I saw the reviews were stellar. The average rating was five stars. However, there were a few rogues who gave it only a single star. I was intrigued. How can a book with well over 300 five star reviews, have a handful of one star reviews. I had to read them. I just could not help myself.

After reading a few, I realized what was happening with these reviews. The reviewers did not dislike the book as much as dislike one of the authors in particular. This is a phenomenon I have seen in past memoir reviews I have read. When researching Down Came the Rain, I found people reviewing Brooke Shield's life choices, not the book. I was annoyed by the public's inability to read a book and at least be polite. I wanted to comment on their reviews and tell each one (where the person was judging the life and not the book) to knock it off.


It is amazing how much we love to pass judgment on other people. I am no different. It is much more fun to gossip about others and judge their decisions. We are in the cheap seats and pulling punches is fun. How much better would it be for us to stop judging and start listening? How many of us ridicule out of insecurity? Isn't it easier to look at the speck in another person's eye without examining the log in our own? I know it for me. This has always been a weakness of mine. However, with two little pairs of ears listening to every word that comes out of my mouth (unless of course those words involve cleaning up toys, eating veggies, or bedtime, ahem), I am learning that I need to edit my comments. Something that is funny coming from a thirty something is not so amusing when repeated (several times) by a three year old. Hearing her innocent voice repeat my snarky remarks reinforces how tacky those snide comments sound. The next time I start to chastise someone else's choices, I hope I will take pause. I hope I will reassess the situation and shut the hell up.