Unfair

Sweet Pea is learning the idea of fairness these days.  Actually, the concept of unfairness.  Every time I tell her "no" it is met with "Aww, that's not fair".  I think this is an important lesson.  She needs to understand that life is unfair.  Good things don't always happen to good people.  Bad people can go unpunished in our world.  I want her to understand that while little Suzy may be allowed 37 lollipops, as her mom I do not want her teeth to rot.  Thus, it is in her best interest to stick with one.  While Sweet Pea may see this as unfair, as a parent I see this as a matter of health.  Frankly, I don't give a damn (to borrow from one of my favorite books) about what Suzy's mom allows Suzy to do.  It has nothing to do with Sweet Pea.  It has nothing to do with my decisions regarding her and her health. 

Husband's mom is unwell.  I don't really want to go into the details, but she has advanced dementia.  At age 60.  There has never been a situation I have encountered in life that I see as more unfair than this one.  Why should this wife and mother lose her dignity at this young age?   If dementia is horrible in the elderly, it is horrifying for someone this young.  It is difficult for everyone involved.  It would be easy to yell at God and to tell him he is being unfair, and I have.  However, my hope and faith makes me want to believe this is all happening for a reason that is not obvious to me.  Just like Sweet Pea does not understand why I won't allow her to eat in an unhealthy manner, I do not understand why this family is being put through this fire.  It is painful and somewhat frightening (what if this happens to Husband, it is genetic). 

All I know to do is to pray that this serves some higher purpose.  A purpose I do not see since I do not have all the information and understanding that God has and is using in this situation.  I may not understand the why of this situation until I am in heaven.  It may stay one of life's mysteries.  I hope not.  Hopefully I can stay patient and wait on the Lord.  Just like I know Sweet Pea will someday understand why I limited her lollipops, I know someday I will understand this situation clearly.  I will be able to stop thinking about fairness.  However, like Sweet Pea, I am just not there yet. 

Confidence

 Having children has left me feeling inept in ways I never imagined.  Until the little ladies came along, I was always able to figure almost anything out very quickly.  I rarely had to struggle.  (Side note: I thought having to try something more than once was struggling, shows you what I knew!)  The fact that I struggled so mightily with the transition to motherhood was God's way of humbling me.  Wow, did that work. 

All this struggling has left me with a lack of self-confidence in recent years.  Working women and working moms intimidate me (except for those who are truly my friends, they are kind and would never try to make me feel insignificant).  When talking to women without kids who have serious careers, I feel looked down upon by them.  I think that I can read their thoughts: "Can't she talk about anything other than her kids?" or "I need to use my brain all the time, she must not need that much stimulation."  Needless to say, that kind of internal dialog is not good for one's self-esteem.

Last night Husband and I ventured out on our own.  We headed to a place full of wild animals, food and wine.  Stumped?  We had a donor dinner at the zoo.  It was fabulous.  We got to watch the small cats be fed.  We learned about their rituals, diets, personalities.  The highlight of the evening was the jaguar feeding.  They are such beautiful creatures.  Watching the dynamic between the two animals was fascinating.  There was no sharing.  There was growling.  There was lots of chasing the other away.  In some ways watching them posture for the food was similar to watching the posturing of my little ladies over a favorite toy.  Thankfully last night I was not in charge of discipline and did not have to jump in and referee the big cats.

The best part of the night was meeting new people.  We sat at a table with other young couples.  None of them are parents.  One couple is still dating.  I am not often around those who do not share my same stage of life.  Instead of being terrified, I was elated.  I enjoyed hearing about one woman's neurology residency and another woman's yoga classes.  It was fun to hear people discuss great food and other worthwhile charitable causes.  I was surprised that I could relate to everyone there.  While I know they could not understand my life, I didn't feel the need to prove anything.  I actually had confidence in myself again.  I did not feel less than any of them due to my choice to stay home and raise our kids full time.  We even exchanged information with one of the women to get together at another date.  The best part is the fact that we will see these people again at another function.  Hopefully this is the start of a trend.  Self-confidence, how I have missed you.

Rest

Do you ever feel like your life is a constant series of loose ends?  I can't seem to finish anything up lately.  Unfortunately, new priorities keep getting dumped in my lap.  In January or February I decided to have a yard sale.  The original date for the aforementioned sale was April 24.  There was no way I could pull that off with The Great Stomach Ache of 2010 in full swing on that date.  So, it got pushed back to this Saturday.  I still have not sorted through everything, yet there is no way I can postpone this any more.  Sweet Pea has her ballet recital next weekend and preschool is almost done for the year.  Somehow it has already been two months since I had a hair cut (mine is short, thus the need to cut frequently is great).  I can't remember the last time my house had a really good scrubbing, and I don't want to figure it out either.  I know that would just lead to feeling grossed out. 

This past weekend I packed up the little ladies and took them an hour north to visit my parents.  Husband stayed home, ostensibly work on the house.  However, when I called on Saturday he was at a crawfish boil, ahem.  Anyway, it is fun to visit the grandparents and all but it is exhausting.  The first night we were there I may have slept 4 hours, maybe.  I have yet to recover.  I put the little ladies down for naps today and I nestled in to read (shocking, I know).  The next thing I knew I was hearing Panda Girl cry and I was totally confused.  I thought it was morning.  I had slept so soundly that I woke completely disoriented.  A cup of coffee later I am still sluggish.  Sometimes I wonder why I decide to do things that I know will be tiring just before an especially busy week.  Why do I expect to be superwoman?

Anyway, this superwoman is going to spend the evening on the couch and go to bed early.  Hopefully that will give me the energy I need to get through this insane week.  Here's the thing: there are lots of fun things to look forward to this week.  I do not want to be dreading it.  On Friday, Husband and I are having lunch with a development director at the zoo because they want our input on fun activities for those who give charitably.  How can I not look forward to someone wanting MY opinion?  I have always LOVED to give input, even when it is unsolicited and unwelcome.  This guy actually asked us to think about ways to have fun at the zoo.  A sweet college roommate is doing the garage sale with me on Saturday.  Her sweet girls are around the same ages as my little ladies.  Thus, all three of them are spending the night on Friday.  I am so excited.  It is the first slumber party for my girls and I know they will have a blast.  Plus, I get to catch up with one of my favorite people.  Then on Mother's Day, we are going to have breakfast with the sea lions at the zoo.  We get to help feed them and have photos taken with them.  For some people this would be a nightmare, but for me it is pure heaven on Earth.  What a fabulous Mother's Day gift. 

All this to say, I need to rest up so I can truly enjoy what is to come.  I do not want to miss out on any of the fun activities coming my way.  So, I need to go sleep. 

Wow, that was rough

I ended my evening by eating gluten-free cookies and drinking dessert wine.  It was wonderful to veg on the couch in front of the television accompanied by my two favorite vices: cookies and wine.  Sadly, the gluten-free cookies I made out of the box were disappointing.  Luckily wine is gluten-free so at least one of my favorite things is staying the same.  I have not had a need for a night like this for a while.  Grated, it was tough when I was in pain. However, I had narcotics to bring me some relief.  Thus, the gluttonous evenings were averted.  However, tonight my pain is more emotional, which makes it much more difficult assuage. 

We had Panda Girl's well child visit today.  Normally these are relatively uneventful trips to the doctor.  Dr. Alex asked me if I had any concerns.  I mentioned that Panda Girl is still needing her reflux meds twice a day.  We have tried taking her off of them several times in her short life, but have never been successful.  She is always miserable off the meds, thus making her parents miserable in the process.  Most children outgrow reflux by about six months of age.  Sweet Pea was about fourteen months when she was finally able to be taken off her medication.  So, I had not been worried until recently. 

Dr. Alex agreed that mine was a valid concern.  He had a couple suggestions of tests we had not run on her yet.  He wanted to do a blood test for food allergies and celiac.  I almost fell out of my chair in that moment.  I had not yet mentioned my current gluten-free status.  I sat there staring at him for a moment.  Then I pulled it together and mentioned my recent issues.  Then he stunned me: our pediatrician has celiac disease.  He went  on to suggest the best brands of foods and the most gluten-friendly restaurants he had found in his two years of living with his diagnosis.  He also assured me it was well worth the sacrifice because he feels much better.  I was relieved to find someone I know and trust with my disease.  While I am not close friends with this man, I do feel that if I had any questions he would be more than happy to answer them for me.  I do not believe in coincidences, so I feel blessed that God guided me to him over four years ago when we were searching for a doctor for Sweet Pea. 

After more discussion around Panda Girl's development, he sent me off to get blood work done on both girls (he recommended testing Sweet Pea for celiac as well).  It wasn't until the nurses called us into a separate room from the in-house lab that I realized this was going to be much harder than I expected.  They needed to collect at least one full vial of blood from each little lady.  Not fun.  I had Sweet Pea go first because I thought she would be better able to calm down quickly after the trauma.  The nurses found her vein quickly and we had her off the table and away from the offending needle in record time.  She calmed down pretty quickly, but she is Sweet Pea so she was dramatic about the whole situation.  At that point I hoped the worst was over.  Oh was I wrong.

I picked up a worried Panda Girl and placed her on the table.  She started to cry, but she did lie down for me.  The nurses then proceeded to search for a vein they could use.  They had no luck with the right arm.  They suggested trying the left arm instead.  So we proceeded with the left arm.  Sadly Panda Girl is tiny and her veins like to be "slippery".  Apparently slippery means we had to torture Panda Girl to get any blood from her.  She never flinched.  She stayed still.  She cried, but she was amazingly brave as the nurse dug around in her arm for that evasive vein.  In the end we hoped we got enough blood.  We may have to go back, but I didn't want to traumatize her any more than necessary.  We went back to the lab where she did have to have a needle stick to have a CBC, but it was over quickly and she was proudly carrying around her lollipop when we left. 

At home I treated the little ladies to a lunch of greek yogurt with chocolate chips added as a fun treat.  I also spoiled them with some chocolate milk.  After they were in bed for their naps my phone rang.  The nurse at Dr Alex's office needed the phone number of the pharmacy I use.  Evidently, Panda Girl is anemic.  Sigh.  Fantastic.  Now in addition to her twice daily prevacid doses, she needs iron supplementation.  We will start that tomorrow.  Poor baby.

Since Panda Girl needed so much attention today, Sweet Pea threw several temper tantrums and refused to go to bed tonight.  Thus, by the end of the day I was done.  I could barely look at Sweet Pea without wanting to yell at her and I could barely look at Panda Girl without wanting to cry.  Therefore, in lieu of the yelling and the crying I chose wine and cookies.  While not the best choice for my waistline, it was the best choice for my psyche.

Update on Gluten

I know many of you are bored to tears of me talking about my tummy problems.  Sorry, I have had some people ask to be kept aprised of the situation and this is the easiest way to get the message out to the masses.  I have been gluten-free for a couple of days now.  Wow, what a difference.  My intense tummy pain is gone.  I have not needed a single pain pill.  My energy is way up.  I had been barely making it to nap time before I would also crash into a sounds sleep every day.  The last two days I have not needed one.  I even had energy to spare last night.  Thus, I believe my quest to find out what is wrong has come to a conclusion.  I have no idea what the biopsy results are from Thursday, but I feel so much better that it does not even matter.  I will be off gluten from here on out.  There are many things I will miss, but my massive pain is not one of those things.  I did find a gluten free bakery in town.  I am thrilled.  The proprietor also offers services where she will help you learn how to eat gluten-free.  I sent her an email and I hope she will be able to help as she offered.  I truly need a mentor on this culinary journey.

Update on Gluten

Yesterday I ate a bunch of wheat, in the form of blueberry muffins.  I love those whole grain muffins and knew I needed to get them out of the pantry while I was supposed to be eating gluten.  The result?  Extreme pain and nausea most of the night.  It is looking like a diagnosis of celiac disease is in my future.  I suppose it could be pain from not being on an antibiotic anymore, but I doubt it.  Bummer!

To Gluten or Not To Gluten, That is The Question

My tummy problems have continued to abound.  My Internist finally convinced me I needed to visit with the GI doctor as my internist was at a loss for what to do next.  He was out of ideas.  So yesterday I took myself to the GI doc.  He listened to all my symptoms and history.  He noticed I have lost 7 lbs in just over 2 weeks (not a bad side effect).  He did a physical exam.  During the exam he started pushing on my abdomen and I was shocked by how much it hurt.  Once all that was done, he let me know his two ideas for what could be ailing me: gall bladder inflammation and/or stones and celiac disease.  I was shocked.  Celiac disease was not on my radar screen prior to his declaration. 

My favorite foods are wheat based: cake, cookies, bread, scones, donuts, etc.  I know these are not the healthiest foods, but I love them.  If it turns out I do have celiac disease, I will be forbidden from eating them.  There are ways to make these foods with alternative flours.  I will just have to get used to the new flavors and textures. 

I have the tests to determine what is going on next Thursday.  I pray I will be accepting of the test results.  I want to have a good attitude.  I want to give myself a break and allow myself to be sad, if that is how I feel.  So please keep me in your prayers.  Pray for health and answers.  Pray for peace. 

The Invisible Woman

I have clearly been the invisible woman as of late.  Spring always gets away from me.  I suppose that is why it is nice to slow down during the heat of summer.  The last couple of weeks I have been having some abdominal pain.  At its worst it felt like labor contractions.  The can't stand still or imagine sitting or hardly even breathing type of pain.  It was pain that landed me in the emergency room for some anti-cramping meds, blood work and an x-ray.  The next day I went to my internist and he repeated the blood work and ordered a CT scan.  I had also added on a fever to my laundry list of symptoms.  My doctor could see my pain and was kind enough to prescribe a narcotic pain reliever to help get me through the next few days. 

The next day, the cavalry arrived: my parents.  They took me to my appointments (no driving allowed on narcotics).  They picked up the little ladies from preschool and attended my appointments with me.  Oddly, but thankfully, all of my tests were negative.  He gave me antibiotics since my fever indicated some kind of infection. 

This experience has reminded me how much I value my health.  My doctor had been convinced he would be hospitalizing me when I returned to see him after my tests.  God protected me and my family from that scary experience.  I still have no idea what caused this pain.  It is mostly gone, but not entirely.  It has forced me to slow down this week.  I hate slowing down.  My house is a disaster.  I have not made a single dinner all week.  I have had to rely on Husband to feed the girls, clean the kitchen and look the other way when coming home to this dirty house.  However, at the end of it all we have survived intact.  The girls are in need of a bath.  The floor is in need of a good scrubbing.  We all need a nice healthy dinner soon.  However, we are fine. 

I hope to keep this experience in mind when I am feeling overwhelmed.  Clearly I have been taught a lesson this week by the almighty.  God knew I needed a smack to learn the lesson of slowing down and enjoying my family.  I needed to learn to ask for help.  Husband is not disappointed in me or my efforts this week.  I needed to learn to let go of my unreasonable expectations of myself.   While I would have preferred to miss out on the pain, I would not have consented to slowing down without it.  Thus, I praise God for the experience. 

The Patience of Mrs. Sparkle Nose

The little ladies love Sesame Street.  Panda Girl is a huge fan of Elmo.  I don't think I have ever met a two year old who did not love Elmo, so she is right on schedule.  Sweet Pea, however, loves the "Abbie's Flying Fairy School" segment.  It is a new segment this year and it is adorable.  What really struck me while watching the new vignette was Mrs. Sparkle Nose.  I have decided I want to be just like her.  She is calm.  She is patient.  She takes advantage of every teachable moment presented to her.  When the fairies get into less than desirable predicaments, she calmly encourages them to use their problem solving skills to find an appropriate solution.  If they get stuck, she gently guides them into the next steps. 

Panda Girl has officially hit the "terrible twos". One day she is an angel, the sweet little self I have adored for almost two years. Then she can turn on a dime. Suddenly she is wailing and dramatically throwing herself to the floor. Then we have the time out action sequence. Yesterday it took four timeouts for her to calm herself down. All that before I had finished my first cup of coffee. Needless to say, it was enough to push my patience in ways I didn't know possible.
I have always struggled with patience.  However, I always assumed that I would have it in abundance for my own children (those fictitious children that don't really require much patience).  While I always understood that certain careers, like teaching, were not suited to my temperament, it never really bothered me.  I considered it a victory if I waited calmly in line behind an especially slow and annoying shopper.  Clearly I had no idea what was in store for my future.  I now understand that all kids require mounds of patience from their parents.  Husband has not struggled in this area.  He is too patient at times, allowing the little ladies to take advantage of his generous spirit. 

I, on the other hand, can expect way too much from my little girls.  I sometimes take their age appropriate behavior personally.  Lucky for Panda Girl, Sweet Pea has taught me much about what is "normal" at each stage.  She is not having to live up to the unreasonable expectations I placed on Sweet Pea.  I suppose all of us first children have that same issue.  Research tells us that is why most high achievers (presidents, ceo's, etc) are either first or only children.  We are taught early to expect much from ourselves and, by extension, others.  If only we could all have the patience and understanding of Mrs. Sparkle Nose!

Depression vs. Relationships

I have tried to be honest about my experiences with depression.  I don't mind people asking me questions.  I welcome questions because it shows the other person is concerned.  I realize my forthrightness can make some people uncomfortable.  While discomfort is never my goal, I don't try to glaze over my struggles for the sake of someone else's comfort level.  That would not be honest of me.  Honesty is a high priority since it was so lacking for so long in my life.  I do not want to go back to that awful place again.  Staying honest with myself and those around me is one way I can stay accountable. 

Depression always takes a toll on relationships.  Withdrawal is a huge symptom for many, including myself.  Many people do not realize how difficult it is to be a friend during depression.  I struggled to leave my house.  I just wanted to sit on the couch or sleep.  Then, I would be critical of myself.  I would berate myself for my laziness.  However, I was also exhausted.  I could not get enough sleep.  I could have slept for 12 hours a day and still been tired.  All this made reaching out impossible for me.  I could not even talk to Husband about everything.  There was no way I was going to admit my inadequacies to people who were not required by law to listen to my whining.  Sadly, there were very few who reached out to me.  Some friends had no idea I was struggling.  I was able to put on a happy face when in a social situation.  Some friends knew and withdrew for their own reasons.  Still others had their own huge struggles.

Looking back I learned whom I could trust.  I learned that there is no person that can fill all my needs.  I expected Husband to come to my rescue.  Others disappointed me by not solving all my problems for me.  I finally woke up and realized that only God can meet my needs.  Husband is only human.  My friends are flawed and have their own very busy lives.  I still love them all, I just view our relationships a bit differently.  I believe I was allowed to struggle in order to bring me back into the fold.  I needed my world rocked in a profound way in order to learn to rely only on Him.  He is the one I want to take care of me.  Now I am ready to let Him. 

The Final Stage

I attended my MOPS meeting today.  I always enjoy MOPS.  The ladies in my group are open and honest.  They are fun and have adorable kiddos.  As I have mentioned before, we have a speaker each week.  This week's speaker discussed grief.  This woman is uniquely qualified to speak on this difficult topic.  She has a masters in counseling.  As a practicing counselor, she helped many through losses of their own.  Four years ago, just weeks after Sweet Pea's birth, she was dealt her own blow. 

Speaker went into the hospital expecting a healthy baby boy.  This was her third child.  Her first two children were happy and healthy girls.  Although she struggled to conceive, she had delivered two children without incident.  When Baby Boy was born, he was blue.  As in not breathing.  He was rushed to the NICU.  Speaker was devastated.  She missed out on her own special bonding time with Baby Boy.  That special time she had enjoyed with her girls.  However, she assumed he would be fine in a few hours, or days at the most.  Little did she know how long it would be until she could actually hold Baby Boy in her arms.

Six weeks later, she was finally able to hold him.  During that time he had needed assistance breathing.  He was diagnosed with a heart defect and CP.  She is certain there is some underlying medical reason he has so many health problems.  However, no doctor has been able to give her and her family an accurate diagnosis.  His life expectancy is totally unknown.  She has to be ready for him to die at any moment. 

As I wrote earlier, she is a qualified woman to speak about grief.  One of her points is that we grieve for many different reasons.  We grieve over the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of a dream.  I found that I could relate to her more than I expected possible.  What do I have in common with a woman whose child is as ill as hers?  Clearly my struggles are minute by comparison.  I have two healthy girls.  I do not fear losing the little ladies in the way she must fear losing her sweet boy.  However, I think grief is one reason I have struggled with motherhood.  In most ways I have not been the mother of my imagination.  I am impatient and short-tempered.  I do not enjoy chasing games or kids' music.  Clearly we all fall short of our own expectations.  This is true of everyone.  However, I tend to have totally unrealistic expectations of myself.  This has been a struggle my whole life.  I always assumed I could handle anything with just a little grit and determination.  However, crazy hormones do not care about your determination.  I have often found myself completely and totally disappointed in my efforts.  Thus, I grieve the mother of my expectations. 

The last stage of grief is typically acceptance.  Speaker took that concept one step further.  She asserts that empowerment is the final stage.  Speaker freely acknowledges that most people do not reach that stage.  For the lucky ones, the determined ones, empowerment can be realized.  I feel that I am finally getting to acceptance.  I will now focus my energies into empowerment.  I am throwing around ideas to use my experiences to help others ease their journey into parenthood.  I truly believe my struggles are in no way unique to me.  I have talked to too many other women in similar circumstances to consider myself special or different from them.  I'm praying to find a new, creative way to help as many as possible who are struggling.  They need to know they are not alone.  This journey is too arduous to set out alone and unequipped.   

Snow Day!

Sweet Pea attends a fantastic preschool.  They are good about having fun events for the kids: Halloween Parade, Snow Day, Chuck-wagon Lunch Day (with Dads), etc.  Today was Snow Day.  The weather here has been crummy lately, so today was the third scheduled day for this event.  Thankfully today proved to be the perfect day for Snow Day.  It was a sunny and relatively cold day today: we had a high of 50. 

At precisely 10:40 the Red Ladybug and Green Gator classes descended upon the 6x12 ft. patch of snow.  The squeals of delight were priceless.  We live in a place where snow is something that only comes around every few years.  When it does come, it rarely sticks to anything.  Thus, this was a new experience for many of the children.  As with any new experience, the kids had varying reactions.  The texture was unfamiliar.  Kids were slipping and sliding everywhere (typically into mud puddles formed from the rapidly melting mound).  The activity was out of the ordinary.  There were moms everywhere snapping pictures of  their precious progeny.  There were several snow toys - think beach toys adapted for a new use.  However, there were not enough for everyone.  All of this newness was much to handle for a group of three and four year olds.

By 11:05 the festivities were done.  I know, that does not sound like much time to fully explore the snow.  It turns out, it was actually about 5 minutes too many. As the ladybug class lined up to retreat into the warmth of the classroom there was a collective wail.  They were overstimulated.  They were tired.  The mommies were leaving.  I am sure a Snow Day veteran would have expected this to happen.  However, as a rookie I was shocked.  Sweet Pea loves school.  She typically runs into class with nary a backward glance.  However, today was different.  You can call it exhaustion, call it peer pressure, call it over-stimulation.  One thing was abundantly clear: I was not getting out of there without a full meltdown.

Tonight I am going to try something new.   I am going to a knitting class.  Alone.  I have taken random classes in the past, but never alone.  I also rarely show up to something knowing exactly zero about the topic.  I am a quick learner.  However, I also frustrate quite easily.  My family tells me it is because everything has always come easily to me.  Motherhood has been the one, glaring, exception to that rule.  I am curious to find out if I have cultivated more patience for myself.  I know I am now more patient with children than I ever thought possible.  Will I extend that same grace to myself?  If history is any guide, the answer will be no.  However, I am hoping to leave history behind and embrace a new future.  Otherwise, I will not be getting out of there without a full meltdown.

It turns out Sweet Pea only had a partial meltdown.  The blow of Mommy leaving was softened by lots of hugs and kisses and a promise to return in a few hours.  Thankfully, she settled in and had fun the rest of the day.  I am hoping tonight's outing will be just as successful.

Progress

I have been trying to lose weight for about a year. At this time last year I was still nursing. Some lucky women loose weight while breastfeeding. My body does not work that way. It has been a source of frustration for me. My body not only does not loose weight, it gains weight. If I diet while nursing I lose my supply and my body packs on fat. I have no idea why my metabolism is so evil during this time. No doctors have ever been able to explain it to me. In essence I am in pregnancy weight gain for about two years with each baby. I only took nine months between when I stopped nursing Sweet Pea before becoming pregnant with Panda Girl. Obviously I had not lost all my weight in that short amount of time after packing it on for so long. Thus, at this point last year my physical health was abysmal. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was overweight (still am). However, once I stopped breastfeeding Panda Girl I told myself it was time to get myself back in shape. I started working out regularly last April. My progress has been slow. I was not good about modifying my diet until December. I have, however, lost one pant size. I realize it is not much, but it is something.

Last week was exhausting for me. I don't think I realized how drained I was becoming until Saturday. We had a wonderful breakfast at our local zoo in the reptile house. I am grateful we get to take our children to participate in these wonderful experiences. It is not everyday that you get to finish your muffin and run off to pet a baby kimodo dragon (who was not very keen on being manhandled by the public, btw). I was glad I was there to watch the delight on their faces as they touched a snake for the first time. However, I could not stop yawning.

Once breakfast was finished we stayed at the zoo to play for a bit longer. It was a rare beautiful day, and we were determined to enjoy it. We saw the giraffes, elephants, zebras and cranes. We rode the carousel, twice. We petted goats in the petting zoo. The little ladies played on the playground. Once we got home and had fed the ladies and put them down for naps, I collapsed on the bed. I slept the whole time they did.

I could not figure out why I was struggling so much. Then I thought about the week. Sweet Pea's school had an in service Monday. She was sick and stayed home from school Thursday. Panda Girl's school had an in service on Thursday, too. We took long and crazy trips to Michael's to get supplies for Sweet Pea's Valentine's Party favors. We made homemade Valentines for Sweet Pea's school friends. We made Valentine's cupcakes. We ate at home all week. I did all the laundry in the whole house.

I don't say all this to complain about how busy I am as a stay at home mom. That I run around chasing my tail all day, everyday, is expected. What was different was the lack of time to spend on myself. Early in the week was pretty good, but by the end I had spent no time on myself since Tuesday. Clearly, that is not ideal. I had not even exercised. It is amazing how much I needed Husband to step in yesterday to pick up my slack.

So, I went and got some exercise. I made myself a fun and not too caloric dessert last night. I watched shows on television that Husband is not too interested in watching. However, it worked. Today I feel so much better. I have been productive and enjoyed my family. While I did allow myself to be depleted this week, I am proud that I realized it and took steps to feel better. I am slowly learning to be more self-aware. Finally. I see progress. Now if only I could see progress on the scale, hmmm. I guess I need to have faith that eating well and exercising as regularly as my schedule will allow will bear fruit for me eventually. It has worked with my mental health, I am choosing to believe it will work for my physical health too.

Obedience

Panda Girl is getting close to that age. That age when tantrums become the norm. That age when her favorite word is "no" (and she is talented at yelling it as loudly as possible). That age where my sweetly (mostly) obedient baby turns into a difficult hot mess of a two year old. She is currently 21 months old. While she does say "no" constantly, she is not too tough yet. I am certain that day is coming and it is coming fast.

While I wish my girls were perfectly obedient, they clearly are not. No one is. Especially me. I know what is healthy and what is not. I understand the choices I make are my responsibility and no one else's. However, I continue to disobey. Why have I this need to rebel? I was never an overtly rebellious kid (smart-mouthed, yes). Of course I broke rules and lied about it from time to time. However, on the balance, I was a good kid. So, why do I find myself being rebellious at 33? Why am I still trying to steal moments of satisfaction at the expense of pure joy? I hate it when I annoy myself!

I suppose I am still a work in progress. I guess at some level I will always be the smart-mouthed teenager. However, that also means that my Panda Girl will always be, at some level, my sweetly obedient baby. For that fact, I am grateful.

Accountablility

A couple weeks ago I set forth some resolutions for myself and my family. Today I want to fill you all in on my progress. Like everyone else, I am better at some resolutions than others.

1. Exercise a minimum of 3 days/week, hopefully 4.
I have kept to three days/week. I have yet to make 4. However, I am going to call this a victory so far. Each of my workouts are a minimum of 45 minutes, which is longer than my old standard of half an hour. Overall, I am quite pleased by my progress on this one.

2. Eat Healthy.
Most days I have eaten really well (Sweet Pea's birthday doesn't count, right). I have "automated" two meals a day. I have egg beaters with low fat cheddar cheese and either a banana or double fiber whole grain toast for breakfast. For lunch I have my "big salad". This salad has a couple cups of spinach, berries, no sugar added mandarin oranges, low fat feta cheese, craisins, crunchy onions, avocado chunks and a small amount of poppy seed dressing. I also add a low sodium, precooked chicken breast. If I run out of chicken then I have a turkey roll up using whole grain wraps with flax seed. For my daily snack (between lunch and dinner) I have light, non fat yogurt with blueberries and a graham cracker. This way I only have to make a decision about dinner. It is easier to behave if I don't have to exercise will power all day.

3. Start insisting my little ladies eat the food placed in front of them. No negotiations. No bribing. Basically they are being told, "Eat what is prepared for you and eat it now. Otherwise you will be waiting for the next snack time or meal time.". It has worked so far, I'm hoping it becomes our new normal.
This works for me with the little ladies. Husband is not totally on board yet with this. Hopefully he will continue improving. This early in the year I am happy with any progress.

4. Get a babysitter and go out with Husband and/or friends twice a month.
We had a babysitter on the 9th and went out to dinner with friends. This weekend I am going to Atlanta to celebrate with a friend as she turns 30. So, January has been successful with this resolution.

5. Get some real work done on our house. There is much to do and I need to start.
I am in the process of purging excess junk, er stuff, from our home. While this may not sound like it relates to this resolution, it is my first step. So far I have purged the playroom, Sweet Pea's bedroom and my closet. Tomorrow (while the little ladies are at preschool and Mother's Day Out) I am going to tackle Panda Girl's Room. Once the purging/rearranging of stuff is complete, I am going to have a garage sale. So, if you visit me between now and then please show me some grace with the mess in our guest room. It is currently the dumping ground for the purged items.

6. Go to bed early. My goal is to get up 30 minutes to an hour before the little ladies wake. I think that time to eat breakfast alone will set me up well for the day. Here's the obstacle: I. Hate. Mornings. Hate them. Always have. I think this will be the most challenging resolution. We'll see how long I can manage it.
As I predicted, this has been the most difficult resolution to keep. I have managed to push bedtime up to 10:30 most nights. My goal is 10. At least I have made progress. The mornings we have to be somewhere (preschool, Mops, whatever) I have been up before the little ladies. This has helped me eat my healthy breakfast each morning too. It has transformed my mood these mornings. Instead of feeling rushed and grumpy, I have been calm and enjoyed my little ladies. (The mornings we don't have to be somewhere have always been pretty good around here.)

I have been happy with my resolutions thus far. It is coincidental that a friend suggested we read The Happiness Project right now. It fits in well with what I am trying to accomplish. It is organized by month, and I am up to August. Once I have finished it, look for a review here. I hope all of you are keeping up with your resolutions. Try to keep yourself accountable if you really want to succeed.

Awesome Day

Before I was a parent, I had a picture in my mind of how my days would run as a stay at home mom. My girls (I always pictured myself with two girls) would be in pristine coordinating outfits. They would love to sit still and read books. It would be easy to take them anywhere. I would be thin and stylish. My home would be in order. Husband would come home from work and we would feel connected. We would love to go out together, without guilt.

Clearly the reality was a shock. I love the little ladies more than I ever thought possible. That aspect of parenting has been a fantastic surprise. There are days when the girls stay in the pajamas all day because we are not going anywhere that day. While I love my girls just the way they are, they are not wallflowers. Sitting still is not part of their DNA. There are days I have not been able to shower, much less exercise. Husband and I have gone months at a time without getting out just the two of us.

While motherhood has not at all been what I expected, there are so many days filled with joy. A joy that comes from down in your bones. A joy that transcends your mood and situation. Many of those days are special occasions: Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving. However, there are some ordinary days that can take your breath away.

Today has been one of those fabulous days. It started with my moms' group. I love going to MOPS. The little ladies play with friends for three hours. I get adult conversation with women who are living through the same life situations. They truly understand my life. These are smart and funny women. I truly enjoy their company. After MOPS the girls and I went to our favorite pizza buffet (don't worry I didn't overindulge). The little ladies had a great time and the food was great. We got home and three deliveries I had been expecting were already at the door. It was nice to realize I didn't have to worry about the doorbell ringing during nap time. Two of the deliveries were Panda Girl's reflux medications and her diapers. Not thrilling, but necessary. The third delivery was my new camera lens. I got a new camera for Christmas. It is awesome. All I needed was a bigger zoom and now I have it. I immediately started using it to capture the little ladies. It is as wonderful as I had hoped. Tonight I am going to the gym to be tortured by Jesus (the Latin fitness instructor, not the Messiah) for an hour. I plan to stay and have a steam and relax. It is going to be so fun to relax on my own.

It has been a wonderful day. While it is not the day I pictured in my fantasies, it has been amazing. I would not change any part of this day.

Resolutions

Like most people, I have resolutions this year. I know mine are typical, but they are mine nonetheless. My resolutions are not just for myself, but for my family as well.


Here they are:

1. Exercise a minimum of 3 days/week, hopefully 4.

2. Eat healthy. I'm talking salads and quinoa. Egg white omelets and whole grain toast.

3. Start insisting my little ladies eat the food placed in front of them. No negotiations. No bribing. Basically they are being told, "Eat what is prepared for you and eat it now. Otherwise you will be waiting for the next snack time or meal time.". It has worked so far, I'm hoping it becomes our new normal.

4. Get a babysitter and go out with Husband and/or friends twice a month.

5. Get some real work done on our house. There is much to do and I need to start.

6. Go to bed early. My goal is to get up 30 minutes to an hour before the little ladies wake. I think that time to eat breakfast alone will set me up well for the day. Here's the obstacle: I. Hate. Mornings. Hate them. Always have. I think this will be the most challenging resolution. We'll see how long I can manage it.

Do you have any resolutions this year? I would love to hear about them. Any more original than mine? Cheers and Happy New Year!

Today I have been thinking about this past year. I suppose it is natural to look back on New Year's Eve. I have so much to be thankful for in 2009. The little ladies are flourishing. They are getting to ages where they can play well with each other. Panda Girl is becoming more independent with each passing day. Sweet Pea is turning into a very sweet little girl. For these, and many other reasons, I smile when I think of this year.

However, this was not an easy year. A year ago I was living in misery. Panda Girl was still struggling to sleep at night and Sweet Pea was refusing to potty train. I had no time to myself. Panda Girl refused to take a bottle or sippy cup. I was literally unable to take a break. It seemed every time I tried to get out for even an hour, Panda Girl would start to melt down. That, in turn, caused me to melt down internally.

In January I decided to start exercising. I was exhausted and frustrated. I hoped getting more active would help with stress relief and help with my energy level. While that was a good idea in theory, in practice there were some issues. When I am nursing my metabolism slows down. Thus, I decided the exercise was necessary. However, that caused my milk supply to diminish. The diminishing milk supply caused Panda Girl to wake up more in the night since she was thirsty. That, in turn, made me tired. So, I was stuck in a catch-22. I don't even like that book.
Life got a little easier in April. I weaned Panda Girl (which caused her to start sleeping through the night) and potty trained Sweet Pea. I was expecting to start feeling much better. However, there was not much improvement. I got more and more frustrated. Finally, as I have written before, the light came on at the end of the tunnel in August.

This year I have learned so much about myself. I am much tougher than I realized. I am stubborn and am bad about asking for help. I repress my feelings when something is really bothering me. It turns out I am very good at hiding my emotions from those I love. So, I am planning to use this knowledge to help me this year. I will ask for help and take time for myself. I will make myself a priority. I have no idea what 2010 holds for me, but I am ready for it. I have faith I will come out the other side healthy and happy.

Some Breathing Room

We have been very busy in our corner of the world. I have been under a tight deadline: have all pre-Christmas preparation (except gift wrapping) completed by December 13. I needed to be organized and have all teacher gifts chosen and ready for the school parties. I needed to have gifts for Savannah's friends ready. I needed to have all family presents purchased. The Christmas cards had to be sent. All long distance packages needed to be posted. It sounds a bit crazy, huh?

I have an Aunt and Uncle who live in the desert. We don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like. Aunt and Uncle never had kids, thus Sister and I are their only "human" children (they do have dog children, if you know what I mean). They have only met Panda Girl once, at 8 weeks old. They have not seen Sweet Pea in two years. My little ladies are their only "grandchildren".

Growing up, Aunt and Uncle were always a fixture in our lives. Most of the time they lived far away from us (we had them living here for about 4 years). We saw them at least once a year. Uncle was always fun. He took us camping. He played mini-golf with us. He went swimming with us. Aunt taught me how to apply make-up. She taught me what colors look nice with my skin tone and hair color. She taught me that you can have a second career late in life when she went back to school for a totally different degree the second time around. I have always felt lucky to be their niece.

So, why the December 13 deadline? Aunt and Uncle came into town today. I wanted my schedule clear to enjoy them during their almost two week visit. Tonight they came over for soup and cornbread and Monday Night Football. It was so fun to see them interacting with my girls. Uncle loves children, especially once they are toddlers. He throws them around. He tickles them. Panda Girl can be a bit leery of new people, but she walked up to him with her arms outstretched within ten minutes of his arrival. Sweet Pea remembered him from two years ago. He made such an impression on a barely two year old girl that she was thrilled to see him tonight. Aunt is not sure what to do with babies, but since the girls are a bit bigger now she had fun watching them. Panda Girl loves to entertain and she found an audience in Aunt.

I realize there will be too much extended family togetherness over the next two weeks. I am confident we will get on each other's nerves. However, I am equally confident that I would not change anything about them*. I love them as they are. I am grateful to have them in my life. I pray they become a large part of my little ladies' lives too.

*I reserve the right to take back this statement at any time in the next two weeks. I also reserve the right to not be reminded of aforementioned statement.

Healing, Four Months Later

I need to apologize. It turns out there has been a sweet friend leaving me comments on my blog. My email notification somehow got turned off and I did not realize the comments were left for me. One of the comments has had me thinking today. She asked me what caused my new found well-being. There are several elements that have come together to make me feel better.

To give some background, I battled postpartum depression for about a year. Mine did not start immediately after Panda Girl was born, it took about four months to start setting in. I was exhausted, disinterested and angry. I thought that by toughening up I could "fix" myself. I also thought my thyroid was acting up. I have Hashimoto's Disease (scary name, treatable disease) which causes my immune system to attack my thyroid. After having a baby my immune system goes a bit haywire. Thus, the disease is difficult to regulate until my hormones slow down. Many of the symptoms I was experiencing I was attributing to my thyroid because exhaustion has always been one of my primary thyroid symptoms. So, you can imagine my surprise when my endocrinologist told me that not only was my thyroid hormone within normal limits, it was picture perfect.

I simply started crying. My doctor is a much older man. I assumed he would dislike the tears like most men of his generation. Thankfully I was wrong. He started asking me about my life. He asked me if I should make some major changes for my own well-being. He also suggested a very low dose of an antidepressant. I agreed because I could not imagine feeling this way any more. I had been working out religiously for six months. I had been eating well. It had done nothing to help my energy levels. He advised me it may take about a month to notice a difference in the way I felt. Thankfully, he was wrong. I started feeling better within a week. The only side effect I experienced was dizziness for a day or so. Then it was better.

However, I do not think that just popping a pill each morning has been the only aspect of my recovery. I have continued exercising. I started blogging as a way to journal my thoughts. I taught myself how to sew and have given myself several fun projects. I have taken more time for myself, without guilt. I realize how much I need a break. I am a much better parent if I take good care of myself. My relationship with Sweet Pea has gone from contentious to peaceful. I have been able to give Husband some attention. While it is probably not as much as he would like, it is a significant improvement over last year. I also talked to Husband to truly explain how I was feeling during the difficult times. He had no idea how badly I felt. That is my fault. I did not tell him. I expected him to understand something I was trying hard to hide. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Once I communicated with him, he was shocked by the depth of my depression. Since then he has been nothing but supportive.

These days I feel healthy. I have energy. I am enjoying my children. I can laugh again. I don't cry at every perceived slight. I engage with people again. I have interests again, other than sleeping. In short, I am myself. Truly, I have not felt this good since college. I am grateful to my family and an insightful doctor. I am grateful I took the time I needed to heal.