Unfair

Sweet Pea is learning the idea of fairness these days.  Actually, the concept of unfairness.  Every time I tell her "no" it is met with "Aww, that's not fair".  I think this is an important lesson.  She needs to understand that life is unfair.  Good things don't always happen to good people.  Bad people can go unpunished in our world.  I want her to understand that while little Suzy may be allowed 37 lollipops, as her mom I do not want her teeth to rot.  Thus, it is in her best interest to stick with one.  While Sweet Pea may see this as unfair, as a parent I see this as a matter of health.  Frankly, I don't give a damn (to borrow from one of my favorite books) about what Suzy's mom allows Suzy to do.  It has nothing to do with Sweet Pea.  It has nothing to do with my decisions regarding her and her health. 

Husband's mom is unwell.  I don't really want to go into the details, but she has advanced dementia.  At age 60.  There has never been a situation I have encountered in life that I see as more unfair than this one.  Why should this wife and mother lose her dignity at this young age?   If dementia is horrible in the elderly, it is horrifying for someone this young.  It is difficult for everyone involved.  It would be easy to yell at God and to tell him he is being unfair, and I have.  However, my hope and faith makes me want to believe this is all happening for a reason that is not obvious to me.  Just like Sweet Pea does not understand why I won't allow her to eat in an unhealthy manner, I do not understand why this family is being put through this fire.  It is painful and somewhat frightening (what if this happens to Husband, it is genetic). 

All I know to do is to pray that this serves some higher purpose.  A purpose I do not see since I do not have all the information and understanding that God has and is using in this situation.  I may not understand the why of this situation until I am in heaven.  It may stay one of life's mysteries.  I hope not.  Hopefully I can stay patient and wait on the Lord.  Just like I know Sweet Pea will someday understand why I limited her lollipops, I know someday I will understand this situation clearly.  I will be able to stop thinking about fairness.  However, like Sweet Pea, I am just not there yet. 

Meet The Teacher Day!

What an exciting day the little ladies had today!  They got to go meet their teachers at school.  Sweet Pea is lucky enough to have a sweet teacher she has loved in the past, so that reunion was adorable.  The two new-to-sweet-pea teachers seem lovely too.  Panda Girl has two fun teachers this year too.  One has a son in Sweet Pea's class, so we already know and love her. The other seems sweet and fun too.  Once we got home I started reviewing our schedule for the upcoming school year.  I must say, I was a bit overwhelmed.  Between school, MOPS, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and after school activities like gymboree, we are going to be kept very busy.  I prefer to be busy.  I seem to be happiest when I don't have too much free time on my hands.  However, I don't want to over schedule any of us either.  I suppose we will just have to wade in and see what happens.

On the road again

Today we begin our pilgrimage to the Quad Cities in Illinois.  We are heading up to spend tonight with my parents north of town.  Tomorrow morning we will officially be on the road, bright and early.  Mom and Sister will be with us for the fun.  I have packed up our clothes, which is the easy part. Now I need to spend the afternoon gathering up the other various and sundry items we will use during the next week.  Thus, my mind is churning.  Trying to figure out what is vital for the little ladies and what is just extra stuff.  Clearly we need Panda Girl's pack and play since it will double as her bed.  A panda or two will also make their way into the minivan with Panda Girl's passies (for bedtime only these days).  The DVDs will be coming as well.  I have never been so glad we sprung for the built in DVD player in the van.  I am also going to make sure we all have our pillows, as sleep is very important in our family.  The girls will have their crayons and lacing cards and books.  I will bring my kindle and probably my knitting stuff too.  We have large amounts of snacks for the road too.  I have also ensured the cameras are charged and the memory cards are cleared. 

Are there any things I am missing?  What are your essentials?

MIA

Has it really been almost 2 months since I last posted?  How is that possible?  Clearly summer has not turned out to be the quiet and relaxing season I had imagined during the spring.  There have been visits to the lake.  We have been thrilled to host family members we do not often see.  There has even been a weekend away without the little ladies (can I get an AMEN!).  There have been movies to watch and surgeries to attend.  I would love to say that the blogging drought is going to be cured for the rest of the summer.  However, that is not in the cards.  In the next six weeks I am taking two week long trips and one very long weekend away.  Thus, it will continue to be spotty.  However, when I am here I will do a better job with my updates.

I have read so many books lately, I do not know where to begin.  Hopefully tomorrow I can choose one to review for you.  Most have been good reads.  I have even had some variety in my choices.  Of course I have read some interesting fiction, but I have also read a book about eating well to manage hormone levels.  More on all of that tomorrow, hopefully. 

This has been a summer of contrasts.  The temperatures have been blisteringly hot, but the weather has been amazingly wet as well.  Old friends from far away have moved to town while more and more local friends have moved away.  I have been working very diligently to improve the overall health of the family.  We have started eating healthier by embracing organic foods and shunning processed junk.  However, I am currently battling my second case of strep throat.  We have not paid a babysitter all summer, yet we did get out for our 9th anniversary and enjoy a weekend with friends (sans kiddos).  I am constantly amazed by the amount of life we have in our home.  While some of that life is due to the two doggies and four fish, it is mostly the product of two adorable little ladies who embrace each moment to the fullest.  However, on Saturday morning we are driving 1100 miles for a family funeral (more discussion on that later).
One of the highlights of the summer has been Mother's Day Out.  Panda Girl has been attending MDO at this location all year, but it was new for Sweet Pea.  I was unsure how well she would adjust.  It turns out I had no reason to worry.  As usual, she adapted easily and happily.  I have been blessed to be able to take them somewhere fun while I get a break two days a week.  It makes me a better mom to be able to run errands and exercise and just sit on the couch and read without the constant interruptions small children bring with them.  MDO has kept my sanity intact and my children well cared for and well loved. 

On Saturday morning, very early, the little ladies and I are joining my mother and sister on a two day road trip to visit family.  I have a great uncle who recently passed of Alzheimer's disease.  It has been a long and difficult road for the whole family.  Thus, I am thankful he has been taken home where he can be free of the burden of such an insidious disease.  I have been wanting to take the little ladies to visit family for over a year.  However, we have been waiting for this funeral so we could see as many family members as possible at one time.  Thus, the long car trip. 

I am not a road trip person.  Typically after about four or five hours, I turn into a pumpkin.  I get grumpy and snippy.  My children have never spent more than a couple of hours in the car at one time.  It seems I am asking for trouble with this decision.  However, I have spent time in prayer over this and I can't get the idea of driving out of my head.  Each time I consider flying I get a really bad feeling.  I have no idea why I am feeling led to drive, but I do not want to ignore what I am being told.  So please keep me in your prayers on Saturday and Sunday as we undertake this crazy adventure.

Health and Education

Today I took Panda Girl to the pediatrician.  Today's appointment was to recheck her ears.  Two weeks ago I had hauled a feverish fussy toddler into the office at the end of the day.  As I had thought, she had an ear infection.  Her ear tubes had dislodged a couple of weeks prior to that day, so I had been expecting an infection to take hold.  Today, when Dr. Alex peered into her ears, he was displeased.  After one round of oral antibiotics, she still had an infection.  He gave me two choices: another round of oral antibiotics (which he warned was very unlikely to work) or a series of two shots (administered today and tomorrow).  I dislike shots as much as the next mommy, but I really want this infection gone, so I opted for option two.  He also suggested I put in a call to my trusty ENT to get her in for another set of ear tubes.  She is clearly a child who requires them. 

Earlier this week I wrote our family's first letter to our new Compassion child.  She lives in Honduras.  We chose her because she has the same birthday as Sweet Pea. In her picture she looks small and slightly neglected, which I am certain was the aim of using that particular photo.  She lives with her mom and grandfather.  Neither of the adults she lives with are regularly employed.  We showed Sweet Pea her picture and asked her if there was anything she wanted to know about this little girl.  After being disappointed that this child could not come to her birthday party, she asked the questions I had assumed were coming: What is her favorite food?  What is her favorite animal?  What is her favorite color? 

Today it occurred to me how lucky we are to be able to give Panda Girl the care she needs for her troublesome ears.  There are so many places where she would probably end up with hearing loss due to repeated infections.  She would struggle to speak.  She would have difficulty in school resulting from her lack of language skills and hearing loss.  Panda Girl is my very bright child.  Sweet Pea is smart: asks why incessantly, has a killer memory and is highly observant.  Panda Girl, however, is in a league of her own.  Her father is a Mensa member, and I have no doubt she will end up like him some day.  It breaks my heart to think about how many gifted children there are in the world who can't reach thier incredible potential due to a minor issue that can easily be cured with modern medicine.  Imagine the problems those children could solve for all of us regular joes if given the chance to fulfill their promise. 

While I don't think the little Honduran girl we are sponsoring is a genius, I hope she can grow up to become educated.  I hope she can educate her future family.  We partly chose a girl to sponsor because educated girls beget educated families.  Girls pass on their knowledge to their children.  Hopefully we can help end a familial cycle of poverty.

Time

Quick question:  So where, exactly did Spring go?  It seems as it was January, Sweet Pea's birthday, and then I blinked.  Suddenly it is May.  Um, wow.  Sweet Pea only has two more weeks of school.  One of those weeks is short too.  I don't know how this happened.  Is life going to keep passing me by?  Every year is moving faster.  However, the days do not seem any shorter.  Gretchen Rubin has Four Splendid Truths.  My favorite is: The days are long, but the years are short.  I would suggest that each year is shorter than the last.  In some ways the fast pace is comforting.  It helps me realize most issues pass with time.  Waiting things out has become much easier.  Patience is in larger supply. 

Some of you know I want to be trained to be a postpartum doula.  I have decided to wait a year before pursuing my goal.  I want to wait until Panda Girl is in school more so I won't be missing out on this fun time with her.  Sweet Pea is going to start a five day school week next year.  Panda Girl will only attend two days/week.  Thus, leaving me three days per week to have one-on-one time with Panda Girl.  I have never had that much time with her and I am beyond excited.  I know I am going to enjoy our days together immensely and I don't want to miss that.  The following year Panda Girl will be attending three days a week.  I feel as if that is a good time to start training for an interesting new career. 

Being a doula is not at all what I thought I would do with my life.  I had always considered myself to be a "math" or numbers person.  However, I think what I really enjoy is problem solving.  I like to think of new ways to deal with issues.  Since I had a myriad of issues in my early years as a mother, I feel uniquely equipped to help other new moms. 

While I would love to start my training today, I can easily wait until next year.  I know it will come sooner than I realize. 

The Patience of Mrs. Sparkle Nose

The little ladies love Sesame Street.  Panda Girl is a huge fan of Elmo.  I don't think I have ever met a two year old who did not love Elmo, so she is right on schedule.  Sweet Pea, however, loves the "Abbie's Flying Fairy School" segment.  It is a new segment this year and it is adorable.  What really struck me while watching the new vignette was Mrs. Sparkle Nose.  I have decided I want to be just like her.  She is calm.  She is patient.  She takes advantage of every teachable moment presented to her.  When the fairies get into less than desirable predicaments, she calmly encourages them to use their problem solving skills to find an appropriate solution.  If they get stuck, she gently guides them into the next steps. 

Panda Girl has officially hit the "terrible twos". One day she is an angel, the sweet little self I have adored for almost two years. Then she can turn on a dime. Suddenly she is wailing and dramatically throwing herself to the floor. Then we have the time out action sequence. Yesterday it took four timeouts for her to calm herself down. All that before I had finished my first cup of coffee. Needless to say, it was enough to push my patience in ways I didn't know possible.
I have always struggled with patience.  However, I always assumed that I would have it in abundance for my own children (those fictitious children that don't really require much patience).  While I always understood that certain careers, like teaching, were not suited to my temperament, it never really bothered me.  I considered it a victory if I waited calmly in line behind an especially slow and annoying shopper.  Clearly I had no idea what was in store for my future.  I now understand that all kids require mounds of patience from their parents.  Husband has not struggled in this area.  He is too patient at times, allowing the little ladies to take advantage of his generous spirit. 

I, on the other hand, can expect way too much from my little girls.  I sometimes take their age appropriate behavior personally.  Lucky for Panda Girl, Sweet Pea has taught me much about what is "normal" at each stage.  She is not having to live up to the unreasonable expectations I placed on Sweet Pea.  I suppose all of us first children have that same issue.  Research tells us that is why most high achievers (presidents, ceo's, etc) are either first or only children.  We are taught early to expect much from ourselves and, by extension, others.  If only we could all have the patience and understanding of Mrs. Sparkle Nose!

Call it what it is - parenting!

Why do some women call their husbands babysitters?  I understand that we are our children's primary caretakers.  Trust me, I get it.  However, if the father of your children is giving you a break to go out and have some fun, sans children, why is it sometimes called babysitting?  Do these fathers usually have no responsibilities where the kids are concerned?  I realize that fifty years ago many fathers left all child-rearing to the mothers.  However, haven't we gone beyond that stage in this day and age?  Aren't our husbands simply parenting our kids when we go to a movie for a few hours? 

Sorry to rant, but this has been bothering me lately.  Husband and I share parenting responsibilities.  While I may manage the day to day home, he is out providing what we need.  Those roles are both important.  So, to those women who ask their husbands to babysit, please stop.  Ask them if they are busy, if they have important plans.  If the answer is no, then tell them you are heading out while they parent the kids alone for a few hours.  Then leave the house.  Do not feel guilty.  Do not call 200 times.  Enjoy yourself girlfriend, I guarantee you have earned it.

Everyone Loves a Parade, Right?

I have odd children.  They do not love parades.  They actually dislike parades, as was confirmed yesterday.  We attended the annual rodeo parade.  Historically it rains on this parade.  This year was cold, but clear.  Thus, the entire city bundled up and headed downtown to watch the horses, bands and floats.  We were no different.  We arrived promptly at 10, the appointed time of the start of the parade.  Apparently, we were about a half hour late to get a good spot.  So, we threw the little ladies on our shoulders and watched the show.  For about 15 minutes.  Then the girls were done.  Sweet Pea had put herself back into the stroller and Panda Girl was whining.  We had thought this would be a fun activity.  Clearly we were mistaken.

Our lives have changed since the little ladies arrived on the scene.  We have been fortunate to meet many great people with kids the same ages as our girls.  We feel grateful to have people to share in our triumphs and, more importantly, in our defeats.  However, I sometimes miss my other friends.  The friends who do not have children.  We had so much in common five years ago.  Now, very little.  Since my life revolves around the little ladies at this stage, I have a difficult time relating to the issues of office politics.  My heart does not belong to my career.  It belongs to my family.  Not only that, the career aspirations I once held dear have evaporated.  The activities we once enjoyed together can seem pointless, a bit of a waste of time. 

However, I do have friends I truly miss. When I am with them I usually enjoy the company.  Many of them have wonderful stories and are highly entertaining.  The problem comes up when I do not feel free to talk about my little ladies.  I become just a mom, not a the dynamic person of my past.  It is an odd thing to have been where they are now, have some memories of that time, and know they have no way of relating to me.  Some of them want to relate, others wish they could relate, the minority want to forget how different I am now.  They want things to be as they were five years ago. 

I feel as if I am at a parade.  People are having fun all around me.  The people I am with are fun people.  They have not changed.  I have changed.  The flash I see around me is impressive, but it isn't me.  These days I just want to snuggle up to my sweet husband with a glass of wine at the end of the day.  I want to spend time talking to him about our girls.  No one understands them like we do, and I enjoy sharing the experience with him.  To me, that is the most enjoyable activity of all.

Snow Day!

Sweet Pea attends a fantastic preschool.  They are good about having fun events for the kids: Halloween Parade, Snow Day, Chuck-wagon Lunch Day (with Dads), etc.  Today was Snow Day.  The weather here has been crummy lately, so today was the third scheduled day for this event.  Thankfully today proved to be the perfect day for Snow Day.  It was a sunny and relatively cold day today: we had a high of 50. 

At precisely 10:40 the Red Ladybug and Green Gator classes descended upon the 6x12 ft. patch of snow.  The squeals of delight were priceless.  We live in a place where snow is something that only comes around every few years.  When it does come, it rarely sticks to anything.  Thus, this was a new experience for many of the children.  As with any new experience, the kids had varying reactions.  The texture was unfamiliar.  Kids were slipping and sliding everywhere (typically into mud puddles formed from the rapidly melting mound).  The activity was out of the ordinary.  There were moms everywhere snapping pictures of  their precious progeny.  There were several snow toys - think beach toys adapted for a new use.  However, there were not enough for everyone.  All of this newness was much to handle for a group of three and four year olds.

By 11:05 the festivities were done.  I know, that does not sound like much time to fully explore the snow.  It turns out, it was actually about 5 minutes too many. As the ladybug class lined up to retreat into the warmth of the classroom there was a collective wail.  They were overstimulated.  They were tired.  The mommies were leaving.  I am sure a Snow Day veteran would have expected this to happen.  However, as a rookie I was shocked.  Sweet Pea loves school.  She typically runs into class with nary a backward glance.  However, today was different.  You can call it exhaustion, call it peer pressure, call it over-stimulation.  One thing was abundantly clear: I was not getting out of there without a full meltdown.

Tonight I am going to try something new.   I am going to a knitting class.  Alone.  I have taken random classes in the past, but never alone.  I also rarely show up to something knowing exactly zero about the topic.  I am a quick learner.  However, I also frustrate quite easily.  My family tells me it is because everything has always come easily to me.  Motherhood has been the one, glaring, exception to that rule.  I am curious to find out if I have cultivated more patience for myself.  I know I am now more patient with children than I ever thought possible.  Will I extend that same grace to myself?  If history is any guide, the answer will be no.  However, I am hoping to leave history behind and embrace a new future.  Otherwise, I will not be getting out of there without a full meltdown.

It turns out Sweet Pea only had a partial meltdown.  The blow of Mommy leaving was softened by lots of hugs and kisses and a promise to return in a few hours.  Thankfully, she settled in and had fun the rest of the day.  I am hoping tonight's outing will be just as successful.

Progress

I have been trying to lose weight for about a year. At this time last year I was still nursing. Some lucky women loose weight while breastfeeding. My body does not work that way. It has been a source of frustration for me. My body not only does not loose weight, it gains weight. If I diet while nursing I lose my supply and my body packs on fat. I have no idea why my metabolism is so evil during this time. No doctors have ever been able to explain it to me. In essence I am in pregnancy weight gain for about two years with each baby. I only took nine months between when I stopped nursing Sweet Pea before becoming pregnant with Panda Girl. Obviously I had not lost all my weight in that short amount of time after packing it on for so long. Thus, at this point last year my physical health was abysmal. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was overweight (still am). However, once I stopped breastfeeding Panda Girl I told myself it was time to get myself back in shape. I started working out regularly last April. My progress has been slow. I was not good about modifying my diet until December. I have, however, lost one pant size. I realize it is not much, but it is something.

Last week was exhausting for me. I don't think I realized how drained I was becoming until Saturday. We had a wonderful breakfast at our local zoo in the reptile house. I am grateful we get to take our children to participate in these wonderful experiences. It is not everyday that you get to finish your muffin and run off to pet a baby kimodo dragon (who was not very keen on being manhandled by the public, btw). I was glad I was there to watch the delight on their faces as they touched a snake for the first time. However, I could not stop yawning.

Once breakfast was finished we stayed at the zoo to play for a bit longer. It was a rare beautiful day, and we were determined to enjoy it. We saw the giraffes, elephants, zebras and cranes. We rode the carousel, twice. We petted goats in the petting zoo. The little ladies played on the playground. Once we got home and had fed the ladies and put them down for naps, I collapsed on the bed. I slept the whole time they did.

I could not figure out why I was struggling so much. Then I thought about the week. Sweet Pea's school had an in service Monday. She was sick and stayed home from school Thursday. Panda Girl's school had an in service on Thursday, too. We took long and crazy trips to Michael's to get supplies for Sweet Pea's Valentine's Party favors. We made homemade Valentines for Sweet Pea's school friends. We made Valentine's cupcakes. We ate at home all week. I did all the laundry in the whole house.

I don't say all this to complain about how busy I am as a stay at home mom. That I run around chasing my tail all day, everyday, is expected. What was different was the lack of time to spend on myself. Early in the week was pretty good, but by the end I had spent no time on myself since Tuesday. Clearly, that is not ideal. I had not even exercised. It is amazing how much I needed Husband to step in yesterday to pick up my slack.

So, I went and got some exercise. I made myself a fun and not too caloric dessert last night. I watched shows on television that Husband is not too interested in watching. However, it worked. Today I feel so much better. I have been productive and enjoyed my family. While I did allow myself to be depleted this week, I am proud that I realized it and took steps to feel better. I am slowly learning to be more self-aware. Finally. I see progress. Now if only I could see progress on the scale, hmmm. I guess I need to have faith that eating well and exercising as regularly as my schedule will allow will bear fruit for me eventually. It has worked with my mental health, I am choosing to believe it will work for my physical health too.

The least I can do

Tonight I went and did a service project with my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. We made beautiful handmade cards for the children of Ft. Hood to send to their parent who is deployed overseas. We are putting together 120 packets of cards. Each packet has 8 cards plus a postcard for the deployed parent to send back to their child. We are supplying the cards, envelopes and stamps for the children. There is an amazingly talented woman in our group who designed all the cards and has organized the whole thing. We spent last Friday night cutting paper strips, squares and flowers (oh so many flowers) for the cards. The Mother's Day card alone has 12 little card stock flowers. Each of the flowers was die cut by us for all 120 packets. As you can imagine this project has been quite the undertaking. We were unable to finish tonight, so we will meet one more time to get it all done in a couple weeks.

As a whole the women in MOPS are caring, considerate, kind people. I have not met one who does not meet that description. Here is what confuses me: very few came to participate in the service project last week or tonight. We all have kids, husbands, etc. to consider and balance in our lives. We all have other things we could be doing instead of making little homemade cards for people we don't know. However, isn't the point of a service project to give up the time to help others? Is it service if the only other thing we would be doing is nothing? I was dismayed that only about 20% of our group showed up to participate on either night. How are we going to teach our kids to help others if we can't give up one Friday night?

I am not trying to sound critical, I just feel frustrated by the general apathy I see in people sometimes. We don't think about the sacrifices other people make to allow us to live free. We feel entitled to our comfortable lives. I am no better. I often turn the channel if the news gets to "real" for me. I have righteous anger towards those who abuse children, yet I have done nothing about it. In some ways it is all very overwhelming. The world is full of problems, I am just one person. One person who does not even handle her own problems well, I certainly can't be trusted to help anyone else. Then I read about people like Greg Mortenson who builds houses in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I look at my friends and family in the military and realize these people are missing seeing their children grow up so I can sleep well at night. These are the people I find inspiring. They make me want to do good for others. Thus, when the opportunity was placed in front of me, I had to go help. It is truly the least I can do for the children and the parents who miss them.

I hope to pass this desire to serve down to my children. I hope they find value in helping those we don't know or see daily. I hope they understand that sometimes Mommy has to go help others. We have different activities we do to help them see how it can be fun to serve too. How are you passing this important concept on to your children? Do you think it is worthwhile? What do you think?

Overflowing Cup

This afternoon was a bit strange around here. Sweet Pea rarely naps these days, but Panda Girl usually naps consistently. Today Panda Girl threw me for a loop, she hardly slept. I even had to go back into her room after about 30 minutes to remind her to sleep. She was cranky all evening (shocking, I know from an exhausted toddler). I made sure to get her in bed by 7. Sadly, she decided she was not wanting to sleep yet and partied for a good half hour. Thankfully, she got herself to sleep without any further intervention, but the whole situation was so strange.

Often I feel that as soon as I get Sweet Pea or Panda Girl figured out, they change on me. I suppose that is one of the greatest challenges of motherhood. At times these changes are good. Sweet Pea is becoming so sweet and fun and easy these days. She is mostly through the crazy tantrums and difficult toddler behavior. She is easier to enjoy. Panda Girl, on the other hand, is turning into a two year old. My child who always loved to eat is suddenly refusing food she has always loved. These days she only seems to want dried fruit, chocolate milk, water and yogurt. My sweet, easy baby is suddenly screaming through the entire thirty minute grocery store trip because she can't get out of the cart to empty the shelves of all their merchandise. So strange. I suppose I need to get used to all the changes because this is only the beginning.

I feel that I have even changed lately. Today I found myself in a craft store buying supplies to make Sweet Pea's Valentine's cards myself. I am not buying the $2 cards, we are turning it into a project we can enjoy together. A year ago, I didn't even think about the cards until the night before she needed them. So she was stuck with whatever Walgreen's had on clearance the day before Valentine's Day. I suppose this is how I always thought I would handle being a mother. I am glad I am finally able to meet that expectation I had for myself. What is strange is that in order to get here, I needed to focus on myself more. I have realized I can only give from an overflowing cup, not an empty one. I am grateful I can take time to exercise and eat well and visit with friends knowing that all of those activities are actually good for my girls. That realization has given me much more freedom than I had a year ago. With that freedom, I am able to handle Panda Girl's tantrums and enjoy projects with Sweet Pea.

Tomorrow Panda Girl has mother's day out. She is supposed to nap there. I have always had confidence in her ability to sleep there and she has never disappointed me. However, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me with her. I do know, however, that at 6:30 a babysitter is coming so Husband and I can go have dinner with friends. That fact will make tomorrow much easier with a potentially cranky Panda Girl.

Book Review Time!

I am finally attempting to review The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Rubin was riding a bus with her daughter on the way to school one morning. She realized she was not as happy as she should be with her life. She was financially comfortable, she had work she enjoyed, and she had a wonderful family. Thus came a question: Why was she not overwhelmingly happy? What was standing in her way? In that moment The Happiness Project was born.

In order to find a place to start, Rubin started reading everything she could about happiness. Once she had learned about the various happiness theories to which people ascribe, she set out to test them for herself. She had no idea how many of them would apply to her personally. Rubin also realized this was a daunting undertaking, so she broke the theories down into smaller more manageable tasks. To provide structure, she created a theme for each month of the year. Her themes include: Vitality, Marriage, Work, Parenthood, Leisure, Friendship, Money, Eternity, Books, Mindfulness and Attitude. Each theme had several specific resolutions. These resolutions included: laugh out loud, keep a food diary, write a novel, keep a gratitude notebook, give something up, make three new friends, take time to be silly, sing in the morning, ask for help, quit nagging and go to bed earlier. Before she embarked on these months she created twelve personal commandments. These commandments ranged from "Be Gretchen" to "Act the way I want to feel" to "Do it now".

Throughout the book Rubin learns what works to help her happiness each month. Some theories work well, others not nearly as much. She also discovers her own personal "Four Splendid Truths" for her happiness. One of her great discoveries was how keeping her resolutions at the forefront of her mind via a chart was incredibly helpful in maintaining focus. All of these discoveries lead up to a central idea about what truly makes up happiness for her.

All in all I learned much about happiness from reading her book. It helped me understand some of my own obstacles to joy. It has reminded me of what is truly important in life. While I am not currently ready to take on a happiness project of my own, it is an idea that appeals to me. The book was well worth the time to read. I truly enjoyed the ideas and the writing. You will have to read for yourself exactly how she fared in her own project. I hope you do, it will be time well spent. It will not only teach you the theories behind happiness, it may also help you find more joy in your own life.

Plans

This weekend I was fortunate to be able to head to Atlanta to celebrate a sweet friend's thirtieth birthday. Turning thirty is a big milestone, so I was excited to experience it with her. PL is such a special woman. She is intelligent, kind, and fun. She has a huge heart and is genuine with everyone. Her smile is contagious.

PL is in an exciting phase of her life. In the last year she has met the man of her dreams and been promoted at work. She is enjoying planning a future with CK. He is a great match for her. I am thankful she did not settle for anyone less, as anyone else would have been a disappointment. However, when she was growing up, this is not how she pictured her life at thirty.

While trying to get home on Sunday, I was forced to alter my plans. I had truly enjoyed my time in Atlanta, but I was ready to get home to Husband and the Little Ladies. I missed them. I had a bit of a cold and craved my own bed. I missed my Ally and Sophie greeting me each time I entered the room. It was freezing cold and I had not brought my coat. All in all, I was ready to be home. Unfortunately, the weather had other plans for me. There was a huge storm that tracked all the way from the deep south up to New England. It had all the airports on the eastern side of the country tied up. So, my 4:45 flight was delayed until 11. The announcements kept telling us different things until we finally landed on the real answer: they had to cancel the flight. At this point I had been calling the airport home for about 7 hours. After waiting in a lovely line I was told I could not leave until 1, the next afternoon. It sounded like an eternity. I had been remarkably patient (especially for me), but I was devastated.

I think that is what PL has felt in her life up until this year. She was trying to wait patiently for her dream of CK to become her reality. In the meantime she has been very successful. She has an MBA from a prestigious school. She has travelled the world. She has made the most of her time waiting. While I was not able to do much with my airport time, I did get some reading done. It isn't an MBA, but it was nice.

Thankfully my safe flight home came to fruition the next day without any complications. It was smooth sailing the whole way with nary a bump in sight. While I can't promise PL a totally smooth ride with CK, I have faith that it will be a life full of wonderful journeys.

Accountablility

A couple weeks ago I set forth some resolutions for myself and my family. Today I want to fill you all in on my progress. Like everyone else, I am better at some resolutions than others.

1. Exercise a minimum of 3 days/week, hopefully 4.
I have kept to three days/week. I have yet to make 4. However, I am going to call this a victory so far. Each of my workouts are a minimum of 45 minutes, which is longer than my old standard of half an hour. Overall, I am quite pleased by my progress on this one.

2. Eat Healthy.
Most days I have eaten really well (Sweet Pea's birthday doesn't count, right). I have "automated" two meals a day. I have egg beaters with low fat cheddar cheese and either a banana or double fiber whole grain toast for breakfast. For lunch I have my "big salad". This salad has a couple cups of spinach, berries, no sugar added mandarin oranges, low fat feta cheese, craisins, crunchy onions, avocado chunks and a small amount of poppy seed dressing. I also add a low sodium, precooked chicken breast. If I run out of chicken then I have a turkey roll up using whole grain wraps with flax seed. For my daily snack (between lunch and dinner) I have light, non fat yogurt with blueberries and a graham cracker. This way I only have to make a decision about dinner. It is easier to behave if I don't have to exercise will power all day.

3. Start insisting my little ladies eat the food placed in front of them. No negotiations. No bribing. Basically they are being told, "Eat what is prepared for you and eat it now. Otherwise you will be waiting for the next snack time or meal time.". It has worked so far, I'm hoping it becomes our new normal.
This works for me with the little ladies. Husband is not totally on board yet with this. Hopefully he will continue improving. This early in the year I am happy with any progress.

4. Get a babysitter and go out with Husband and/or friends twice a month.
We had a babysitter on the 9th and went out to dinner with friends. This weekend I am going to Atlanta to celebrate with a friend as she turns 30. So, January has been successful with this resolution.

5. Get some real work done on our house. There is much to do and I need to start.
I am in the process of purging excess junk, er stuff, from our home. While this may not sound like it relates to this resolution, it is my first step. So far I have purged the playroom, Sweet Pea's bedroom and my closet. Tomorrow (while the little ladies are at preschool and Mother's Day Out) I am going to tackle Panda Girl's Room. Once the purging/rearranging of stuff is complete, I am going to have a garage sale. So, if you visit me between now and then please show me some grace with the mess in our guest room. It is currently the dumping ground for the purged items.

6. Go to bed early. My goal is to get up 30 minutes to an hour before the little ladies wake. I think that time to eat breakfast alone will set me up well for the day. Here's the obstacle: I. Hate. Mornings. Hate them. Always have. I think this will be the most challenging resolution. We'll see how long I can manage it.
As I predicted, this has been the most difficult resolution to keep. I have managed to push bedtime up to 10:30 most nights. My goal is 10. At least I have made progress. The mornings we have to be somewhere (preschool, Mops, whatever) I have been up before the little ladies. This has helped me eat my healthy breakfast each morning too. It has transformed my mood these mornings. Instead of feeling rushed and grumpy, I have been calm and enjoyed my little ladies. (The mornings we don't have to be somewhere have always been pretty good around here.)

I have been happy with my resolutions thus far. It is coincidental that a friend suggested we read The Happiness Project right now. It fits in well with what I am trying to accomplish. It is organized by month, and I am up to August. Once I have finished it, look for a review here. I hope all of you are keeping up with your resolutions. Try to keep yourself accountable if you really want to succeed.

Awesome Day

Before I was a parent, I had a picture in my mind of how my days would run as a stay at home mom. My girls (I always pictured myself with two girls) would be in pristine coordinating outfits. They would love to sit still and read books. It would be easy to take them anywhere. I would be thin and stylish. My home would be in order. Husband would come home from work and we would feel connected. We would love to go out together, without guilt.

Clearly the reality was a shock. I love the little ladies more than I ever thought possible. That aspect of parenting has been a fantastic surprise. There are days when the girls stay in the pajamas all day because we are not going anywhere that day. While I love my girls just the way they are, they are not wallflowers. Sitting still is not part of their DNA. There are days I have not been able to shower, much less exercise. Husband and I have gone months at a time without getting out just the two of us.

While motherhood has not at all been what I expected, there are so many days filled with joy. A joy that comes from down in your bones. A joy that transcends your mood and situation. Many of those days are special occasions: Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving. However, there are some ordinary days that can take your breath away.

Today has been one of those fabulous days. It started with my moms' group. I love going to MOPS. The little ladies play with friends for three hours. I get adult conversation with women who are living through the same life situations. They truly understand my life. These are smart and funny women. I truly enjoy their company. After MOPS the girls and I went to our favorite pizza buffet (don't worry I didn't overindulge). The little ladies had a great time and the food was great. We got home and three deliveries I had been expecting were already at the door. It was nice to realize I didn't have to worry about the doorbell ringing during nap time. Two of the deliveries were Panda Girl's reflux medications and her diapers. Not thrilling, but necessary. The third delivery was my new camera lens. I got a new camera for Christmas. It is awesome. All I needed was a bigger zoom and now I have it. I immediately started using it to capture the little ladies. It is as wonderful as I had hoped. Tonight I am going to the gym to be tortured by Jesus (the Latin fitness instructor, not the Messiah) for an hour. I plan to stay and have a steam and relax. It is going to be so fun to relax on my own.

It has been a wonderful day. While it is not the day I pictured in my fantasies, it has been amazing. I would not change any part of this day.

Resolutions

Like most people, I have resolutions this year. I know mine are typical, but they are mine nonetheless. My resolutions are not just for myself, but for my family as well.


Here they are:

1. Exercise a minimum of 3 days/week, hopefully 4.

2. Eat healthy. I'm talking salads and quinoa. Egg white omelets and whole grain toast.

3. Start insisting my little ladies eat the food placed in front of them. No negotiations. No bribing. Basically they are being told, "Eat what is prepared for you and eat it now. Otherwise you will be waiting for the next snack time or meal time.". It has worked so far, I'm hoping it becomes our new normal.

4. Get a babysitter and go out with Husband and/or friends twice a month.

5. Get some real work done on our house. There is much to do and I need to start.

6. Go to bed early. My goal is to get up 30 minutes to an hour before the little ladies wake. I think that time to eat breakfast alone will set me up well for the day. Here's the obstacle: I. Hate. Mornings. Hate them. Always have. I think this will be the most challenging resolution. We'll see how long I can manage it.

Do you have any resolutions this year? I would love to hear about them. Any more original than mine? Cheers and Happy New Year!

Routine

As a parent I believe children need structure. In my opinion, kids gain confidence when they know what is coming next. I think that is why kids love shows that follow a pattern or want the same book read to them over and over again. I am certain that is why Sweet Pea is constantly asking the same questions (even when she already knows the answer).

The holidays are a wonderful season. I love the family time and the decorations and the food, so much food. I am also glad it is over. I am ready to eat healthy. I am ready to exercise. I am ready for the girls to go back to preschool and Mother's Day Out. I am excited for my moms group this week. I can't wait to have time to read again.

Today I have been thinking about this past year. I suppose it is natural to look back on New Year's Eve. I have so much to be thankful for in 2009. The little ladies are flourishing. They are getting to ages where they can play well with each other. Panda Girl is becoming more independent with each passing day. Sweet Pea is turning into a very sweet little girl. For these, and many other reasons, I smile when I think of this year.

However, this was not an easy year. A year ago I was living in misery. Panda Girl was still struggling to sleep at night and Sweet Pea was refusing to potty train. I had no time to myself. Panda Girl refused to take a bottle or sippy cup. I was literally unable to take a break. It seemed every time I tried to get out for even an hour, Panda Girl would start to melt down. That, in turn, caused me to melt down internally.

In January I decided to start exercising. I was exhausted and frustrated. I hoped getting more active would help with stress relief and help with my energy level. While that was a good idea in theory, in practice there were some issues. When I am nursing my metabolism slows down. Thus, I decided the exercise was necessary. However, that caused my milk supply to diminish. The diminishing milk supply caused Panda Girl to wake up more in the night since she was thirsty. That, in turn, made me tired. So, I was stuck in a catch-22. I don't even like that book.
Life got a little easier in April. I weaned Panda Girl (which caused her to start sleeping through the night) and potty trained Sweet Pea. I was expecting to start feeling much better. However, there was not much improvement. I got more and more frustrated. Finally, as I have written before, the light came on at the end of the tunnel in August.

This year I have learned so much about myself. I am much tougher than I realized. I am stubborn and am bad about asking for help. I repress my feelings when something is really bothering me. It turns out I am very good at hiding my emotions from those I love. So, I am planning to use this knowledge to help me this year. I will ask for help and take time for myself. I will make myself a priority. I have no idea what 2010 holds for me, but I am ready for it. I have faith I will come out the other side healthy and happy.