Confidence

 Having children has left me feeling inept in ways I never imagined.  Until the little ladies came along, I was always able to figure almost anything out very quickly.  I rarely had to struggle.  (Side note: I thought having to try something more than once was struggling, shows you what I knew!)  The fact that I struggled so mightily with the transition to motherhood was God's way of humbling me.  Wow, did that work. 

All this struggling has left me with a lack of self-confidence in recent years.  Working women and working moms intimidate me (except for those who are truly my friends, they are kind and would never try to make me feel insignificant).  When talking to women without kids who have serious careers, I feel looked down upon by them.  I think that I can read their thoughts: "Can't she talk about anything other than her kids?" or "I need to use my brain all the time, she must not need that much stimulation."  Needless to say, that kind of internal dialog is not good for one's self-esteem.

Last night Husband and I ventured out on our own.  We headed to a place full of wild animals, food and wine.  Stumped?  We had a donor dinner at the zoo.  It was fabulous.  We got to watch the small cats be fed.  We learned about their rituals, diets, personalities.  The highlight of the evening was the jaguar feeding.  They are such beautiful creatures.  Watching the dynamic between the two animals was fascinating.  There was no sharing.  There was growling.  There was lots of chasing the other away.  In some ways watching them posture for the food was similar to watching the posturing of my little ladies over a favorite toy.  Thankfully last night I was not in charge of discipline and did not have to jump in and referee the big cats.

The best part of the night was meeting new people.  We sat at a table with other young couples.  None of them are parents.  One couple is still dating.  I am not often around those who do not share my same stage of life.  Instead of being terrified, I was elated.  I enjoyed hearing about one woman's neurology residency and another woman's yoga classes.  It was fun to hear people discuss great food and other worthwhile charitable causes.  I was surprised that I could relate to everyone there.  While I know they could not understand my life, I didn't feel the need to prove anything.  I actually had confidence in myself again.  I did not feel less than any of them due to my choice to stay home and raise our kids full time.  We even exchanged information with one of the women to get together at another date.  The best part is the fact that we will see these people again at another function.  Hopefully this is the start of a trend.  Self-confidence, how I have missed you.