Healing, Four Months Later

I need to apologize. It turns out there has been a sweet friend leaving me comments on my blog. My email notification somehow got turned off and I did not realize the comments were left for me. One of the comments has had me thinking today. She asked me what caused my new found well-being. There are several elements that have come together to make me feel better.

To give some background, I battled postpartum depression for about a year. Mine did not start immediately after Panda Girl was born, it took about four months to start setting in. I was exhausted, disinterested and angry. I thought that by toughening up I could "fix" myself. I also thought my thyroid was acting up. I have Hashimoto's Disease (scary name, treatable disease) which causes my immune system to attack my thyroid. After having a baby my immune system goes a bit haywire. Thus, the disease is difficult to regulate until my hormones slow down. Many of the symptoms I was experiencing I was attributing to my thyroid because exhaustion has always been one of my primary thyroid symptoms. So, you can imagine my surprise when my endocrinologist told me that not only was my thyroid hormone within normal limits, it was picture perfect.

I simply started crying. My doctor is a much older man. I assumed he would dislike the tears like most men of his generation. Thankfully I was wrong. He started asking me about my life. He asked me if I should make some major changes for my own well-being. He also suggested a very low dose of an antidepressant. I agreed because I could not imagine feeling this way any more. I had been working out religiously for six months. I had been eating well. It had done nothing to help my energy levels. He advised me it may take about a month to notice a difference in the way I felt. Thankfully, he was wrong. I started feeling better within a week. The only side effect I experienced was dizziness for a day or so. Then it was better.

However, I do not think that just popping a pill each morning has been the only aspect of my recovery. I have continued exercising. I started blogging as a way to journal my thoughts. I taught myself how to sew and have given myself several fun projects. I have taken more time for myself, without guilt. I realize how much I need a break. I am a much better parent if I take good care of myself. My relationship with Sweet Pea has gone from contentious to peaceful. I have been able to give Husband some attention. While it is probably not as much as he would like, it is a significant improvement over last year. I also talked to Husband to truly explain how I was feeling during the difficult times. He had no idea how badly I felt. That is my fault. I did not tell him. I expected him to understand something I was trying hard to hide. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Once I communicated with him, he was shocked by the depth of my depression. Since then he has been nothing but supportive.

These days I feel healthy. I have energy. I am enjoying my children. I can laugh again. I don't cry at every perceived slight. I engage with people again. I have interests again, other than sleeping. In short, I am myself. Truly, I have not felt this good since college. I am grateful to my family and an insightful doctor. I am grateful I took the time I needed to heal.