The Final Stage

I attended my MOPS meeting today.  I always enjoy MOPS.  The ladies in my group are open and honest.  They are fun and have adorable kiddos.  As I have mentioned before, we have a speaker each week.  This week's speaker discussed grief.  This woman is uniquely qualified to speak on this difficult topic.  She has a masters in counseling.  As a practicing counselor, she helped many through losses of their own.  Four years ago, just weeks after Sweet Pea's birth, she was dealt her own blow. 

Speaker went into the hospital expecting a healthy baby boy.  This was her third child.  Her first two children were happy and healthy girls.  Although she struggled to conceive, she had delivered two children without incident.  When Baby Boy was born, he was blue.  As in not breathing.  He was rushed to the NICU.  Speaker was devastated.  She missed out on her own special bonding time with Baby Boy.  That special time she had enjoyed with her girls.  However, she assumed he would be fine in a few hours, or days at the most.  Little did she know how long it would be until she could actually hold Baby Boy in her arms.

Six weeks later, she was finally able to hold him.  During that time he had needed assistance breathing.  He was diagnosed with a heart defect and CP.  She is certain there is some underlying medical reason he has so many health problems.  However, no doctor has been able to give her and her family an accurate diagnosis.  His life expectancy is totally unknown.  She has to be ready for him to die at any moment. 

As I wrote earlier, she is a qualified woman to speak about grief.  One of her points is that we grieve for many different reasons.  We grieve over the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of a dream.  I found that I could relate to her more than I expected possible.  What do I have in common with a woman whose child is as ill as hers?  Clearly my struggles are minute by comparison.  I have two healthy girls.  I do not fear losing the little ladies in the way she must fear losing her sweet boy.  However, I think grief is one reason I have struggled with motherhood.  In most ways I have not been the mother of my imagination.  I am impatient and short-tempered.  I do not enjoy chasing games or kids' music.  Clearly we all fall short of our own expectations.  This is true of everyone.  However, I tend to have totally unrealistic expectations of myself.  This has been a struggle my whole life.  I always assumed I could handle anything with just a little grit and determination.  However, crazy hormones do not care about your determination.  I have often found myself completely and totally disappointed in my efforts.  Thus, I grieve the mother of my expectations. 

The last stage of grief is typically acceptance.  Speaker took that concept one step further.  She asserts that empowerment is the final stage.  Speaker freely acknowledges that most people do not reach that stage.  For the lucky ones, the determined ones, empowerment can be realized.  I feel that I am finally getting to acceptance.  I will now focus my energies into empowerment.  I am throwing around ideas to use my experiences to help others ease their journey into parenthood.  I truly believe my struggles are in no way unique to me.  I have talked to too many other women in similar circumstances to consider myself special or different from them.  I'm praying to find a new, creative way to help as many as possible who are struggling.  They need to know they are not alone.  This journey is too arduous to set out alone and unequipped.