My life with literature and little ladies

Unfair

2010-09-18T10:01:00.000-05:00

Sweet Pea is learning the idea of fairness these days. Actually, the concept of unfairness. Every time I tell her "no" it is met with "Aww, that's not fair". I think this is an important lesson. She needs to understand that life is unfair. Good things don't always happen to good people. Bad people can go unpunished in our world. I want her to understand that while little Suzy may be allowed 37 lollipops, as her mom I do not want her teeth to rot. Thus, it is in her best interest to stick with one. While Sweet Pea may see this as unfair, as a parent I see this as a matter of health. Frankly, I don't give a damn (to borrow from one of my favorite books) about what Suzy's mom allows Suzy to do. It has nothing to do with Sweet Pea. It has nothing to do with my decisions regarding her and her health.

Husband's mom is unwell. I don't really want to go into the details, but she has advanced dementia. At age 60. There has never been a situation I have encountered in life that I see as more unfair than this one. Why should this wife and mother lose her dignity at this young age? If dementia is horrible in the elderly, it is horrifying for someone this young. It is difficult for everyone involved. It would be easy to yell at God and to tell him he is being unfair, and I have. However, my hope and faith makes me want to believe this is all happening for a reason that is not obvious to me. Just like Sweet Pea does not understand why I won't allow her to eat in an unhealthy manner, I do not understand why this family is being put through this fire. It is painful and somewhat frightening (what if this happens to Husband, it is genetic).

All I know to do is to pray that this serves some higher purpose. A purpose I do not see since I do not have all the information and understanding that God has and is using in this situation. I may not understand the why of this situation until I am in heaven. It may stay one of life's mysteries. I hope not. Hopefully I can stay patient and wait on the Lord. Just like I know Sweet Pea will someday understand why I limited her lollipops, I know someday I will understand this situation clearly. I will be able to stop thinking about fairness. However, like Sweet Pea, I am just not there yet.

Meet The Teacher Day!

2010-08-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

What an exciting day the little ladies had today! They got to go meet their teachers at school. Sweet Pea is lucky enough to have a sweet teacher she has loved in the past, so that reunion was adorable. The two new-to-sweet-pea teachers seem lovely too. Panda Girl has two fun teachers this year too. One has a son in Sweet Pea's class, so we already know and love her. The other seems sweet and fun too. Once we got home I started reviewing our schedule for the upcoming school year. I must say, I was a bit overwhelmed. Between school, MOPS, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and after school activities like gymboree, we are going to be kept very busy. I prefer to be busy. I seem to be happiest when I don't have too much free time on my hands. However, I don't want to over schedule any of us either. I suppose we will just have to wade in and see what happens.

An August of Vacations

2010-08-29T20:16:00.000-05:00

August was fabulous. We were so blessed to be able to go on a real vacation as a family. We went down to Galveston for a whole week. We had never spent a whole week on vacation since having the little ladies. It was wonderful to have our big decisions be whether to go to the beach or the pool, whether we should eat ice cream or have candy. The girls had a great time. They were worn out by about 7 each night. That allowed Husband and I to enjoy quiet evenings to ourselves and mornings where the girls were too tired to wake before 7:30.

Sadly, while we were away Husband's grandmother died. This was our second death of the summer. Both individuals were over 80 and had Alzheimer's disease. Thus, we were grateful our loved ones were no longer struggling with an uncooperative mind. The little ladies and I went to the first funeral with my mother and sister. Sweet Pea was profoundly affected by this funeral. The questions she has asked since have been as surprising as they are thoughtful. Husband and I did not really want her to think that she will be attending funerals regularly, so we decided to attend Grandma H's alone. As a result, we took a short, intense trip to Erie, PA.

A few days after returning from the funeral whirlwind I headed out to Cali with Sister and Sweet A to celebrate Sister's 30th birthday. It was a fabulous trip that included a meal at Beso, a limo, a new Coach bag from Rodeo Drive and a star sighting. Sister took a surfing lesson and I did some shopping for the little ladies. We visited some lovely friends who live locally and met their sweet baby boy.

We have no more travel plans in the works. We go meet Sweet Pea's pre-k teachers and Panda Girl's MDO teachers tomorrow. School will officially start on Tuesday. Sweet Pea will be going to school five days per week.

Obviously I have had many posts swirling around in my brain over the last month or so. Hopefully I can take the time to get them all down in the next couple of weeks. However, I make no promises! How did you spend your summer vacation?

Book Review Time!

2010-07-28T09:44:00.000-05:00

I will just go ahead and say it, I am officially a bloggy slacker. This summer has been full, even overflowing at times, of activity. One of those activities has been reading. One of my favorite books I read this summer was The Summer Guest by Justin Cronin. The story grabs you quickly and does not let go until the final pages. The novel is set, mostly, at a rustic fishing camp in Maine. The story revolves around the camp's owners: Joe and Lucy Crosby. After many years of visiting the camp, Harry Wainwright becomes and important part of the family. Justin Cronin does a masterful job of weaving the story line through time and slowly revealing the each character.

The relationships in this story seem to create another character of it's own. There is love and heartbreak, anger and jealousy, forgiveness and redemption. There is much more to these characters than and their individual stories than originally assumed. It is a joy to read and let it all unfold before your eyes.

The ending is far from surprising, but it is totally believable. I would definitely say this is a great summer book. It is enjoyable without being difficult to get into or follow. The storytelling style is enjoyable and always leaves you wanting more. I found it hard to put down each night. I hope each of you has had a summer full of activities you love.

On the road again

2010-07-09T12:05:00.000-05:00

Today we begin our pilgrimage to the Quad Cities in Illinois. We are heading up to spend tonight with my parents north of town. Tomorrow morning we will officially be on the road, bright and early. Mom and Sister will be with us for the fun. I have packed up our clothes, which is the easy part. Now I need to spend the afternoon gathering up the other various and sundry items we will use during the next week. Thus, my mind is churning. Trying to figure out what is vital for the little ladies and what is just extra stuff. Clearly we need Panda Girl's pack and play since it will double as her bed. A panda or two will also make their way into the minivan with Panda Girl's passies (for bedtime only these days). The DVDs will be coming as well. I have never been so glad we sprung for the built in DVD player in the van. I am also going to make sure we all have our pillows, as sleep is very important in our family. The girls will have their crayons and lacing cards and books. I will bring my kindle and probably my knitting stuff too. We have large amounts of snacks for the road too. I have also ensured the cameras are charged and the memory cards are cleared.

Are there any things I am missing? What are your essentials?

MIA

2010-07-07T22:01:00.000-05:00

Has it really been almost 2 months since I last posted? How is that possible? Clearly summer has not turned out to be the quiet and relaxing season I had imagined during the spring. There have been visits to the lake. We have been thrilled to host family members we do not often see. There has even been a weekend away without the little ladies (can I get an AMEN!). There have been movies to watch and surgeries to attend. I would love to say that the blogging drought is going to be cured for the rest of the summer. However, that is not in the cards. In the next six weeks I am taking two week long trips and one very long weekend away. Thus, it will continue to be spotty. However, when I am here I will do a better job with my updates.

I have read so many books lately, I do not know where to begin. Hopefully tomorrow I can choose one to review for you. Most have been good reads. I have even had some variety in my choices. Of course I have read some interesting fiction, but I have also read a book about eating well to manage hormone levels. More on all of that tomorrow, hopefully.

This has been a summer of contrasts. The temperatures have been blisteringly hot, but the weather has been amazingly wet as well. Old friends from far away have moved to town while more and more local friends have moved away. I have been working very diligently to improve the overall health of the family. We have started eating healthier by embracing organic foods and shunning processed junk. However, I am currently battling my second case of strep throat. We have not paid a babysitter all summer, yet we did get out for our 9th anniversary and enjoy a weekend with friends (sans kiddos). I am constantly amazed by the amount of life we have in our home. While some of that life is due to the two doggies and four fish, it is mostly the product of two adorable little ladies who embrace each moment to the fullest. However, on Saturday morning we are driving 1100 miles for a family funeral (more discussion on that later).
One of the highlights of the summer has been Mother's Day Out. Panda Girl has been attending MDO at this location all year, but it was new for Sweet Pea. I was unsure how well she would adjust. It turns out I had no reason to worry. As usual, she adapted easily and happily. I have been blessed to be able to take them somewhere fun while I get a break two days a week. It makes me a better mom to be able to run errands and exercise and just sit on the couch and read without the constant interruptions small children bring with them. MDO has kept my sanity intact and my children well cared for and well loved.

On Saturday morning, very early, the little ladies and I are joining my mother and sister on a two day road trip to visit family. I have a great uncle who recently passed of Alzheimer's disease. It has been a long and difficult road for the whole family. Thus, I am thankful he has been taken home where he can be free of the burden of such an insidious disease. I have been wanting to take the little ladies to visit family for over a year. However, we have been waiting for this funeral so we could see as many family members as possible at one time. Thus, the long car trip.

I am not a road trip person. Typically after about four or five hours, I turn into a pumpkin. I get grumpy and snippy. My children have never spent more than a couple of hours in the car at one time. It seems I am asking for trouble with this decision. However, I have spent time in prayer over this and I can't get the idea of driving out of my head. Each time I consider flying I get a really bad feeling. I have no idea why I am feeling led to drive, but I do not want to ignore what I am being told. So please keep me in your prayers on Saturday and Sunday as we undertake this crazy adventure.

She Smelled of Summer

2010-05-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

Husband took the little ladies up to visit his parents this morning. Those grandparents have a pool and a swing set, so the girls love going to play. I love having them leave to get some quiet time to myself in my own home. This week I had been trying to make a nap mat for Panda Girl. She is growing up and needs one for mother's day out. Today was my perfect opportunity to finish it up. I was amazed at how quickly I can complete a project when there are no little hands wanting to help (read: drive me crazy while using a machine I do not have complete confidence in using). It turned out really cute. She wanted nothing to do with it, but Sweet Pea has had fun playing school with it all afternoon.

The girls got home after I had finished (hallelujah) and just in time for their naps. As I was putting Panda Girl in her crib I took a big whiff of her. She smelled of summer: that intoxicating mix of sunscreen, sweat and chlorine. On me it smells awful, but on her it smelled magical. I hugged her extra close and took one more deep breath. How I love that smell.

As Gretchen Rubin says in her book, The Happiness Project, the days are long but the years are short. That hit me hard today. In the near future I won't have toddlers vying for my attention all the time. They won't be asking to help constantly. That amazing smell of summer will be replaced by smelly adolescent stench. While I truly needed and enjoyed my break today, I am aware that this time in their lives is fleeting. I am thankful I was able to appreciate my sweet little girls today.

Health and Education

2010-05-21T19:26:00.001-05:00

Today I took Panda Girl to the pediatrician. Today's appointment was to recheck her ears. Two weeks ago I had hauled a feverish fussy toddler into the office at the end of the day. As I had thought, she had an ear infection. Her ear tubes had dislodged a couple of weeks prior to that day, so I had been expecting an infection to take hold. Today, when Dr. Alex peered into her ears, he was displeased. After one round of oral antibiotics, she still had an infection. He gave me two choices: another round of oral antibiotics (which he warned was very unlikely to work) or a series of two shots (administered today and tomorrow). I dislike shots as much as the next mommy, but I really want this infection gone, so I opted for option two. He also suggested I put in a call to my trusty ENT to get her in for another set of ear tubes. She is clearly a child who requires them.

Earlier this week I wrote our family's first letter to our new Compassion child. She lives in Honduras. We chose her because she has the same birthday as Sweet Pea. In her picture she looks small and slightly neglected, which I am certain was the aim of using that particular photo. She lives with her mom and grandfather. Neither of the adults she lives with are regularly employed. We showed Sweet Pea her picture and asked her if there was anything she wanted to know about this little girl. After being disappointed that this child could not come to her birthday party, she asked the questions I had assumed were coming: What is her favorite food? What is her favorite animal? What is her favorite color?

Today it occurred to me how lucky we are to be able to give Panda Girl the care she needs for her troublesome ears. There are so many places where she would probably end up with hearing loss due to repeated infections. She would struggle to speak. She would have difficulty in school resulting from her lack of language skills and hearing loss. Panda Girl is my very bright child. Sweet Pea is smart: asks why incessantly, has a killer memory and is highly observant. Panda Girl, however, is in a league of her own. Her father is a Mensa member, and I have no doubt she will end up like him some day. It breaks my heart to think about how many gifted children there are in the world who can't reach thier incredible potential due to a minor issue that can easily be cured with modern medicine. Imagine the problems those children could solve for all of us regular joes if given the chance to fulfill their promise.

While I don't think the little Honduran girl we are sponsoring is a genius, I hope she can grow up to become educated. I hope she can educate her future family. We partly chose a girl to sponsor because educated girls beget educated families. Girls pass on their knowledge to their children. Hopefully we can help end a familial cycle of poverty.

Book Review Time!

2010-05-19T15:04:00.000-05:00

Recently I finished Henry's Sisters by Cathy Lamb. This novel is about a family of three sisters and one brother, Henry. Henry is mentally disabled in some way that is not ever fully explained (although the actual diagnosis is not important to the story). The four siblings had a very difficult childhood. Money was scarce, security was nonexistent and parental affection was absent. The three women grow up to live very different lives. One is a bestselling crime novelist. Another is a world-renowned photographer. The third stayed in the small town of Trillium River and became a teacher. A family situation causes the three sisters to have to come together and care for their brother and their family business, a bakery.

Much of the story explores the relationships sisters share. Lamb writes, "Sisters are the worst. And they are the best. A sister can be awful and complicated and loving and protective and petty and competitive, and when you die she is the person you want beside you holding your hand." I found the author's take on sisterhood to be insightful. These sisters love each other fiercely, but fight bitterly. They pull no punches when dealing with each other, but always come to the aid of a sister in need. The relationships are both painful and touching.

It is, however, a bit of a dark read. If you dislike injustice or pain in books, this is not the story for you. However, if you can hang through the darkness, it is a really good book. I truly enjoyed it.

Change

2010-05-17T21:11:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Sweet Pea's last day of preschool before it lets out for the summer. Instead of being excited to leave school behind, she is deeply disappointed. She loves her "red ladybug" classroom and all her friends. She adores her teachers, especially Miss Kelly. I have explained to her that she will get to be in a new class in the fall. She will get to be a "star" (aka Pre-K). This concept of moving up grades is totally lost on her. This is her first experience with it and she is unhappy about it. If it was up to her she would stay a red ladybug with Miss Kelly and her current class forever.

Last night as I was attempting to explain all of this moving up business to her, Sweet Pea started to cry. I hugged her and told her that I understand. We all have times in life when we don't want to face change. I was loathe to graduate from college. I absolutely loved my time at Texas A&M. When I graduated I was leaving behind my (future) husband, my sister, and my sense of self. I understood my place in the world in college. I had no idea who I would be once I graduated. I longed to stay, but I had to go.

I would love to say I handled the adjustment with grace and ease. Sadly, that was not the case. I was lonely. I (know now that I) was depressed. I understood at some level that I needed to mix things up, that I was unhappy. Some people eat (I did plenty of that: cookie dough out of the tube was my poison). Some people drink (not really my coping mechanism). Others find a hobby. I tend toward this latter group. I got a puppy. I consulted no one. I up and bought a dog one day after work. While it was very impulsive, getting Ally was an inspired decision. She has exceeded every expectation I have ever set for her. She is sweet. She is good with kids. She is adorable. For a brief period, she was my sanity. She is my Miss Kelly.

Allowing her to be her

2010-05-15T18:18:00.001-05:00

Today was Sweet Pea's first official dance recital. She had been looking forward to today for weeks. It wasn't that she was thrilled to show us what she had learned or that she is a born performer. Her excitement was due to the costume. She wanted to put on that frilly pink tutu/dress thing. She wanted to be allowed to wear makeup. She wanted to look extra pretty. In case we were wondering, I think we officially have a girly girl on our hands.

Husband and my date this week was the first time in a while I had taken the opportunity to dress up. When I was sick I did not have the energy. I felt like I had accomplished something when I put on anything I would not wear to the gym. In general I enjoy dressing up. There were entire years in elementary school where I wore dresses every day. Thankfully my mom was happy dressing me as the prissy little girl. I would have hated her to try to change that about me.

Sweet Pea has always been highly energetic. She prefers to play with the boys because they play more active games. She would much rather play a rousing game of chase than sit and color. I don't really understand that desire in her, but I respect it. This is why I am often surprised when Sweet Pea wants to dress so girly. It seems in opposition to her personality. Girls who enjoy active games should like to dress as a tomboy would dress, in my own head. Clearly my expectations are inappropriate. Who says she can't run around the playground with the boys while looking like an adorable little girl? I think she has found the best of both worlds. Unfortunately, I worry that this dichotomy will backfire when she hits high school. I suppose we will just deal with the fallout then. I refuse to make her dress down when she wants to dress up. I will do her the same favor my mom did me: allow her to express herself with her attire (as long as it is not inappropriate). I am certain we will have wars in her teen years around the definition of appropriate. For now, I am going to enjoy the cute dresses while I can.

Confidence

2010-05-13T17:55:00.001-05:00

Having children has left me feeling inept in ways I never imagined. Until the little ladies came along, I was always able to figure almost anything out very quickly. I rarely had to struggle. (Side note: I thought having to try something more than once was struggling, shows you what I knew!) The fact that I struggled so mightily with the transition to motherhood was God's way of humbling me. Wow, did that work.

All this struggling has left me with a lack of self-confidence in recent years. Working women and working moms intimidate me (except for those who are truly my friends, they are kind and would never try to make me feel insignificant). When talking to women without kids who have serious careers, I feel looked down upon by them. I think that I can read their thoughts: "Can't she talk about anything other than her kids?" or "I need to use my brain all the time, she must not need that much stimulation." Needless to say, that kind of internal dialog is not good for one's self-esteem.

Last night Husband and I ventured out on our own. We headed to a place full of wild animals, food and wine. Stumped? We had a donor dinner at the zoo. It was fabulous. We got to watch the small cats be fed. We learned about their rituals, diets, personalities. The highlight of the evening was the jaguar feeding. They are such beautiful creatures. Watching the dynamic between the two animals was fascinating. There was no sharing. There was growling. There was lots of chasing the other away. In some ways watching them posture for the food was similar to watching the posturing of my little ladies over a favorite toy. Thankfully last night I was not in charge of discipline and did not have to jump in and referee the big cats.

The best part of the night was meeting new people. We sat at a table with other young couples. None of them are parents. One couple is still dating. I am not often around those who do not share my same stage of life. Instead of being terrified, I was elated. I enjoyed hearing about one woman's neurology residency and another woman's yoga classes. It was fun to hear people discuss great food and other worthwhile charitable causes. I was surprised that I could relate to everyone there. While I know they could not understand my life, I didn't feel the need to prove anything. I actually had confidence in myself again. I did not feel less than any of them due to my choice to stay home and raise our kids full time. We even exchanged information with one of the women to get together at another date. The best part is the fact that we will see these people again at another function. Hopefully this is the start of a trend. Self-confidence, how I have missed you.

Sharing

2010-05-11T19:03:00.000-05:00

I feel as if I spend half of my time reminding the little ladies to share. Many mornings I am tempted to don a black and white striped jersey to make my job as referee official. Panda Girl, as a second child, is a sharing champion. There are very few things she objects to sharing with Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea, on the other hand, is a true first child. She wants to share nothing with her little sister. Nothing. Sadly, this behavior is payback from my own childhood. I too was a true first child in this regard.

I live with a pack rat. As a reformed pack rat myself, I understand the internal dialog Husband has regarding his stuff: "What if I need it some day?" or "I may be able to fix this." or "The girls could play with this.". Living with Husband has cured my need to keep things. I have learned to let go of any emotional attachment I have to a particular candy dish or an unworn sweater. It has been liberating to be able to shed our stuff.

This weekend we had a garage sale. Several items were sold and we made some real money. I had multiple huge bags of baby clothes. Husband and I have already decided that two little ladies are plenty of kiddos for us. Therefore, it was time to let go of the adorable newborn sleepers my girls wore as babies. I took out one outfit I really liked from each of them and put the rest out for sale. Several items did sell, however we still had bags upon bags remaining in our yard at the end of the day. I was very temped to rifle through those bags and take out a few more choice pieces. However, I knew where that path would lead: putting all of it back up in the attic to collect dust. So, before I could change my mind I loaded up the minivan and took it all down the street to the local crisis pregnancy center.

The car was full to overflowing with baby clothes, maternity clothes, blankets, diaper bags, etc. I wanted those items to be put to good use. So I chose the pregnancy center. They counsel women to have their babies and either keep them or put them up for adoption. They do not advocate or give referrals for abortions. Since their philosophy fits nicely with my own, I felt comfortable donating our old things to them. To say the workers were shocked at the volume of stuff I was donating is an understatement. I was almost ashamed at how much our girls had at an age where they could not possibly appreciate it all. However, putting that aside it is great to know there are women in need who will benefit from my overspending. I truly hope they enjoy some of the adorable outfits my girls hardly wore.

See, there is hope. First children can learn to share after all.

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T19:01:00.000-05:00

What a crazy weekend. Sweet Pea had her first friend sleepover. Her friends, ER and AC, spent the night Friday night. The girls' mom and I were college roommates and had planned a garage sale together. All three girls slept in Sweet Pea's room together. She was ecstatic. She gave them her stuffed animals (so they would feel comfortable). She even willingly gave up all movie selection privileges to her friends during the garage sale the next day. I was pleasantly surprised with how much she enjoyed her friends. It was adorable. It was also a huge realization that she is growing up more everyday.

Sunday we got up early. Husband had arranged for us to attend our local zoo's Sea Lion breakfast. They had a hot breakfast for us and the sea lions put on a show. The trainers were on hand to answer questions about their animals. They were adorable. It was very fun for all of us. It was even a cool morning, which is rare around here these days. After we walked the zoo a while longer Husband dropped me off at home and ventured out to the suburbs to visit his mother. I had been feeling under the weather all weekend, so I truly enjoyed the quiet time in our home. Later we went out to dinner with my family. All in all it was a lovely Mother's Day. I hope you enjoyed yours as much as I enjoyed mine.

Time

2010-05-06T12:32:00.000-05:00

Quick question: So where, exactly did Spring go? It seems as it was January, Sweet Pea's birthday, and then I blinked. Suddenly it is May. Um, wow. Sweet Pea only has two more weeks of school. One of those weeks is short too. I don't know how this happened. Is life going to keep passing me by? Every year is moving faster. However, the days do not seem any shorter. Gretchen Rubin has Four Splendid Truths. My favorite is: The days are long, but the years are short. I would suggest that each year is shorter than the last. In some ways the fast pace is comforting. It helps me realize most issues pass with time. Waiting things out has become much easier. Patience is in larger supply.

Some of you know I want to be trained to be a postpartum doula. I have decided to wait a year before pursuing my goal. I want to wait until Panda Girl is in school more so I won't be missing out on this fun time with her. Sweet Pea is going to start a five day school week next year. Panda Girl will only attend two days/week. Thus, leaving me three days per week to have one-on-one time with Panda Girl. I have never had that much time with her and I am beyond excited. I know I am going to enjoy our days together immensely and I don't want to miss that. The following year Panda Girl will be attending three days a week. I feel as if that is a good time to start training for an interesting new career.

Being a doula is not at all what I thought I would do with my life. I had always considered myself to be a "math" or numbers person. However, I think what I really enjoy is problem solving. I like to think of new ways to deal with issues. Since I had a myriad of issues in my early years as a mother, I feel uniquely equipped to help other new moms.

While I would love to start my training today, I can easily wait until next year. I know it will come sooner than I realize.

Book Review Time!

2010-05-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

I am going to lump two books together today. I recently read both of Mia King's books that chronicle the life of Deidre McIntosh: Good Things and Table Manners. Deidre is a forty year old single woman with her own successful local television show, Live Simple. She has a wonderful apartment which she shares with her best friend, Will. She loves her life and would not change a thing. Then, at the beginning of the first novel, everything changes.

Deidre finds herself living in a shack in a tiny town called Jacob's Point, OR. She is escaping her life in Seattle and hoping to build a new one. The story is far from unusual. It is even predictable in many ways. However, it is uplifting and enjoyable to read. The plot is even engrossing at times. I was in the mood for light reading after tackling some pretty heavy novels lately, and these filled the bill beautifully.

Especially if you consider the two books together, the characters are everything from heroic to hopelessly flawed. I loved getting to know each one of them. The second novel leaves off at a good point to finish out that segment of Deidre's story. However, there is more that can be written. I can't wait to see where Ms. King takes us next.

Rest

2010-05-03T19:27:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like your life is a constant series of loose ends? I can't seem to finish anything up lately. Unfortunately, new priorities keep getting dumped in my lap. In January or February I decided to have a yard sale. The original date for the aforementioned sale was April 24. There was no way I could pull that off with The Great Stomach Ache of 2010 in full swing on that date. So, it got pushed back to this Saturday. I still have not sorted through everything, yet there is no way I can postpone this any more. Sweet Pea has her ballet recital next weekend and preschool is almost done for the year. Somehow it has already been two months since I had a hair cut (mine is short, thus the need to cut frequently is great). I can't remember the last time my house had a really good scrubbing, and I don't want to figure it out either. I know that would just lead to feeling grossed out.

This past weekend I packed up the little ladies and took them an hour north to visit my parents. Husband stayed home, ostensibly work on the house. However, when I called on Saturday he was at a crawfish boil, ahem. Anyway, it is fun to visit the grandparents and all but it is exhausting. The first night we were there I may have slept 4 hours, maybe. I have yet to recover. I put the little ladies down for naps today and I nestled in to read (shocking, I know). The next thing I knew I was hearing Panda Girl cry and I was totally confused. I thought it was morning. I had slept so soundly that I woke completely disoriented. A cup of coffee later I am still sluggish. Sometimes I wonder why I decide to do things that I know will be tiring just before an especially busy week. Why do I expect to be superwoman?

Anyway, this superwoman is going to spend the evening on the couch and go to bed early. Hopefully that will give me the energy I need to get through this insane week. Here's the thing: there are lots of fun things to look forward to this week. I do not want to be dreading it. On Friday, Husband and I are having lunch with a development director at the zoo because they want our input on fun activities for those who give charitably. How can I not look forward to someone wanting MY opinion? I have always LOVED to give input, even when it is unsolicited and unwelcome. This guy actually asked us to think about ways to have fun at the zoo. A sweet college roommate is doing the garage sale with me on Saturday. Her sweet girls are around the same ages as my little ladies. Thus, all three of them are spending the night on Friday. I am so excited. It is the first slumber party for my girls and I know they will have a blast. Plus, I get to catch up with one of my favorite people. Then on Mother's Day, we are going to have breakfast with the sea lions at the zoo. We get to help feed them and have photos taken with them. For some people this would be a nightmare, but for me it is pure heaven on Earth. What a fabulous Mother's Day gift.

All this to say, I need to rest up so I can truly enjoy what is to come. I do not want to miss out on any of the fun activities coming my way. So, I need to go sleep.

Panda Girl Update

2010-05-03T14:07:00.000-05:00

Last week I took the little ladies to the pediatrician for Panda Girl's well child exam. Since she is still experiencing acid reflux, Dr. Alex suggested testing her for food allergies and celiac disease. Today I got the call with the results: she is clear. No food allergies. No celiac disease. We will have to retest for celiac in a few years, but for now we do not need to put her on a special diet. I am thrilled. This is such an answered prayer. Now I feel like I can focus on other things, like cleaning this house enough so that the people in the jump suits and crazy helmets don't seal off the house and prevent entry due to it becoming a toxic waste sight!

Book Review Time!

2010-04-29T21:30:00.000-05:00

I read a wonderful book last week: The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom. This is a story about a white indentured servant named Lavinia. She is orphaned on a transcontinental journey from Ireland. The ship's captain takes her in and she lives with the black slaves on his plantation in Virginia. As Lavinia grows up she is surrounded by heartbreak, pain, fear and abuse.

Each character is beautifully developed. The author created incredible strength and bitter weaknesses within each character. While I could not personally relate to the issues presented, since the novel takes place in the late 1800s, I appreciated the way each character responded to the difficult circumstances presented in the story. They respond genuinely to the heartbreak and abuse rained on them.

The story is masterfully crafted. The plot is not contrived or unbelievable. I laughed, I cried, I got angry. I am certain I could not do the story justice, no matter how I praise it. Please know I truly loved this novel and I plan to read it again in the future. It was simply wonderful.

Wow, that was rough

2010-04-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

I ended my evening by eating gluten-free cookies and drinking dessert wine. It was wonderful to veg on the couch in front of the television accompanied by my two favorite vices: cookies and wine. Sadly, the gluten-free cookies I made out of the box were disappointing. Luckily wine is gluten-free so at least one of my favorite things is staying the same. I have not had a need for a night like this for a while. Grated, it was tough when I was in pain. However, I had narcotics to bring me some relief. Thus, the gluttonous evenings were averted. However, tonight my pain is more emotional, which makes it much more difficult assuage.

We had Panda Girl's well child visit today. Normally these are relatively uneventful trips to the doctor. Dr. Alex asked me if I had any concerns. I mentioned that Panda Girl is still needing her reflux meds twice a day. We have tried taking her off of them several times in her short life, but have never been successful. She is always miserable off the meds, thus making her parents miserable in the process. Most children outgrow reflux by about six months of age. Sweet Pea was about fourteen months when she was finally able to be taken off her medication. So, I had not been worried until recently.

Dr. Alex agreed that mine was a valid concern. He had a couple suggestions of tests we had not run on her yet. He wanted to do a blood test for food allergies and celiac. I almost fell out of my chair in that moment. I had not yet mentioned my current gluten-free status. I sat there staring at him for a moment. Then I pulled it together and mentioned my recent issues. Then he stunned me: our pediatrician has celiac disease. He went on to suggest the best brands of foods and the most gluten-friendly restaurants he had found in his two years of living with his diagnosis. He also assured me it was well worth the sacrifice because he feels much better. I was relieved to find someone I know and trust with my disease. While I am not close friends with this man, I do feel that if I had any questions he would be more than happy to answer them for me. I do not believe in coincidences, so I feel blessed that God guided me to him over four years ago when we were searching for a doctor for Sweet Pea.

After more discussion around Panda Girl's development, he sent me off to get blood work done on both girls (he recommended testing Sweet Pea for celiac as well). It wasn't until the nurses called us into a separate room from the in-house lab that I realized this was going to be much harder than I expected. They needed to collect at least one full vial of blood from each little lady. Not fun. I had Sweet Pea go first because I thought she would be better able to calm down quickly after the trauma. The nurses found her vein quickly and we had her off the table and away from the offending needle in record time. She calmed down pretty quickly, but she is Sweet Pea so she was dramatic about the whole situation. At that point I hoped the worst was over. Oh was I wrong.

I picked up a worried Panda Girl and placed her on the table. She started to cry, but she did lie down for me. The nurses then proceeded to search for a vein they could use. They had no luck with the right arm. They suggested trying the left arm instead. So we proceeded with the left arm. Sadly Panda Girl is tiny and her veins like to be "slippery". Apparently slippery means we had to torture Panda Girl to get any blood from her. She never flinched. She stayed still. She cried, but she was amazingly brave as the nurse dug around in her arm for that evasive vein. In the end we hoped we got enough blood. We may have to go back, but I didn't want to traumatize her any more than necessary. We went back to the lab where she did have to have a needle stick to have a CBC, but it was over quickly and she was proudly carrying around her lollipop when we left.

At home I treated the little ladies to a lunch of greek yogurt with chocolate chips added as a fun treat. I also spoiled them with some chocolate milk. After they were in bed for their naps my phone rang. The nurse at Dr Alex's office needed the phone number of the pharmacy I use. Evidently, Panda Girl is anemic. Sigh. Fantastic. Now in addition to her twice daily prevacid doses, she needs iron supplementation. We will start that tomorrow. Poor baby.

Since Panda Girl needed so much attention today, Sweet Pea threw several temper tantrums and refused to go to bed tonight. Thus, by the end of the day I was done. I could barely look at Sweet Pea without wanting to yell at her and I could barely look at Panda Girl without wanting to cry. Therefore, in lieu of the yelling and the crying I chose wine and cookies. While not the best choice for my waistline, it was the best choice for my psyche.

Book Review Time!

2010-04-26T22:21:00.000-05:00

I have been busy reading lately. I have had lots of time in the last month where all I could do was lay down to try to escape my pain. During that time I read an amazing book, Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese. This is Verghese's first novel but not his first literary endeavor. He has also written a couple of memoirs. Let me tell you, I am wanting to go read those memoirs right now. He is an amazing writer who can use words to convey difficult concepts simply and concisely. One example I highlighted, "The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don't. If you keep saying your slippers aren't yours, then you'll die searching, you'll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more." As I wrote, he has a way with words.

The basic story follows the main character, Marion, from birth to adulthood. His is a story of abandonment, heartbreak, anger and sadness. He is richly drawn in a way that allows you feel you truly understand him. You may not always agree with him or like him, but you understand him. His character was not the only well developed one. I felt that all the characters were described beautifully and thoroughly.

The story has an element of mystery. There are some parts of the plot you must wait until the author allows them to unfold naturally. No part of the story felt forced or unbelievable. In many ways this is historical fiction. However, the author does not feel confined by actual history in all situations. There is a coup that is based on an actual event, however the timeline is vastly different from history. Thus, this is not a book to read to learn about the history of Ethiopia. However, it is an amazing story and a fabulous book. I highly, highly recommend this book.

Update on Gluten

2010-04-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

I know many of you are bored to tears of me talking about my tummy problems. Sorry, I have had some people ask to be kept aprised of the situation and this is the easiest way to get the message out to the masses. I have been gluten-free for a couple of days now. Wow, what a difference. My intense tummy pain is gone. I have not needed a single pain pill. My energy is way up. I had been barely making it to nap time before I would also crash into a sounds sleep every day. The last two days I have not needed one. I even had energy to spare last night. Thus, I believe my quest to find out what is wrong has come to a conclusion. I have no idea what the biopsy results are from Thursday, but I feel so much better that it does not even matter. I will be off gluten from here on out. There are many things I will miss, but my massive pain is not one of those things. I did find a gluten free bakery in town. I am thrilled. The proprietor also offers services where she will help you learn how to eat gluten-free. I sent her an email and I hope she will be able to help as she offered. I truly need a mentor on this culinary journey.

Pondering Panda Girl

2010-04-23T20:51:00.001-05:00

Today I am recuperating from my upper endoscopy and trying to start eating gluten-free. My goal today was to be productive, but not have to exert too much. I looked at my desk, leaden with paperwork, and saw the preschool enrollment forms I have been ignoring. I decided today was the perfect opportunity to conquer the mountain. I signed all the requisite safety forms. Filled out the directory information for both little ladies. Then I got to the questionnaire asking specific information about each little lady. It is extensive. I filled it out last year for Sweet Pea. Thus I had spent time last year pondering the intricacies of her personality. I had explored her idiosyncrasies and dutifully written copious explanations regarding her unique traits. So, this year I simply filled it out in a similar way with just a few changes based on the ways she has matured. For example, this year I added Sweet Pea's preference to play with the boys. I also made sure to emphasize the fact that she will not eat well while at school. This particular quirk caused her current teachers some concern and I don't want her new teachers to worry about her going hungry.

However, I had never analyzed Panda Girl in the ways I pondered my first born. I suppose that is the way we all are with our later children. Who has the time to spend pouring over every little detail of a second child? We are too busy keeping her and her older sister alive to have a spare moment for such a luxury. Today, however, it was necessary that I turn all my focus onto Panda Girl and think about her special little self. At first the only way I thought to describe her was as happy and easy going. While these are true statements about her, certainly I could come up with something more insightful? I thought about how she spends her time. She loves to dance. She loves to read. She learns amazingly fast. I realized I have a concern about school: I am concerned that she will not get the attention she deserves at school. She is so happy and so easy I fear she will fade into the background. Teachers seem to be consumed by those who are not well disciplined or seem to be the loudest. I pray Panda Girl will get the attention she needs to continue to learn and grow.

In the past I would not have written this worry down on the form. I would have brushed it off and told myself that I was being unfair to the teachers. However, today I realized that since she has yet to start school I am simply writing it as a concern. At this point my concern is not singling anyone out for not taking proper care of my baby. I allowed myself to realize that my opinion is valid. I pray her teachers do not think I have overstepped my boundaries. I pray they understand I am simply a concerned parent.

I must admit it was fun to think about just Panda Girl for a bit. She is every bit as important to me as her elder, and louder, sister. I am in awe of her. She is amazing and I pray she knows that while she has not had the individual attention her sister has enjoyed she is a blessing from above.

Book Review Time!

2010-04-23T20:20:00.000-05:00

Recently I read the book Mommy Tracked by Whitney Gaskell. This is a "mommy lit" book. It has some interesting characters and story lines. However, it is a mindless read at best. If looking for a light read, I would look elsewhere. Sorry, just my opinion.

Panda Girl is Two!

2010-04-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

Today Panda Girl is two. She is my delight. She is a sweet child with a contagious smile. Panda Girl is the happiest child I have ever known. We went to visit her Nana at the hospital this summer, and she found a way to have fun. I had no idea how much excitement a hospital chair contained until that day. She brings more laughter and smiles to our faces than I knew possible. We are blessed to have her in our home every day. Panda Girl is incredibly coordinated. She has amazing motor skills. She loves it when we read to her. She taught herself the alphabet. She is bright and sweet.

Her favorite things are, of course, pandas. Today she got a new stuffed panda, a panda necklace and a panda shirt. She was thrilled with them all. She also loves Sesame Street. She was thrilled with her new Abby, Zoe, Grovers, Cookie Monster, and Big Bird. She loves chocolate and pizza. She loves to color and paint. Her favorite part of the day is bath time. Sweet Pea is her best friend. Panda Girl copies her every move, parrots her every word.

I pray she continues to love us the way she does now. I will always continue to love her more and more. She will always bring me joy. She will always be my baby.

Update on Gluten

2010-04-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I ate a bunch of wheat, in the form of blueberry muffins. I love those whole grain muffins and knew I needed to get them out of the pantry while I was supposed to be eating gluten. The result? Extreme pain and nausea most of the night. It is looking like a diagnosis of celiac disease is in my future. I suppose it could be pain from not being on an antibiotic anymore, but I doubt it. Bummer!

To Gluten or Not To Gluten, That is The Question

2010-04-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

My tummy problems have continued to abound. My Internist finally convinced me I needed to visit with the GI doctor as my internist was at a loss for what to do next. He was out of ideas. So yesterday I took myself to the GI doc. He listened to all my symptoms and history. He noticed I have lost 7 lbs in just over 2 weeks (not a bad side effect). He did a physical exam. During the exam he started pushing on my abdomen and I was shocked by how much it hurt. Once all that was done, he let me know his two ideas for what could be ailing me: gall bladder inflammation and/or stones and celiac disease. I was shocked. Celiac disease was not on my radar screen prior to his declaration.

My favorite foods are wheat based: cake, cookies, bread, scones, donuts, etc. I know these are not the healthiest foods, but I love them. If it turns out I do have celiac disease, I will be forbidden from eating them. There are ways to make these foods with alternative flours. I will just have to get used to the new flavors and textures.

I have the tests to determine what is going on next Thursday. I pray I will be accepting of the test results. I want to have a good attitude. I want to give myself a break and allow myself to be sad, if that is how I feel. So please keep me in your prayers. Pray for health and answers. Pray for peace.

Book Review Time!

2010-04-12T12:11:00.000-05:00

As promised, I am trying to catch up on my book reviews. Today I am reviewing The Little Giant of Aberdeen County by Tiffany Baker. This is the story of a woman who was born a giant. Truly was a huge baby and she continued to grow into a huge woman. She did not fit into any societal norms. Growing up Truly struggles with being different. She is essentially the town's sideshow. The journey her life takes is unexpected and interesting. Her character development is thorough. I found myself rooting for her and hoping good things would come her way.

The story shows how society treats those who are not outwardly beautiful in any way. It also explores how inward and outward beauty can be totally unrelated. People's treatment of Truly reminded me of high school. I was lucky in high school. I was neither cool nor nerdy. I had plenty of friends. However, there was the crowd of beautiful people who loved to ridicule those less physically attractive. Even as a teenager I knew that those who are very attractive, or at least think they are, tend to be less kind. This novel is full of 'mean girls' who make Truly's life difficult.

The story also had a bit of a mystery surrounding it. All in all it was a delightful read. It was well-written and well developed. It is one of those books that makes me not want to read lesser literature again. It was a true joy to read.

Book Review Time!

2010-04-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

I have to apologize for not reviewing my books lately. I have continued to read compulsively during my review drought, I have just been lazy about reviewing my literature. I am going to start with Olive Kitteridge: Fiction by Elizabeth Strout. This book is totally different from any other I have ever read. It tells the tales of Olive's life through a series of short stories. They are mostly told in chronological order. As a character she is very real. She has strengths, faults, heartbreaks and triumphs. She is a mother, wife, teacher and friend. There are times you love her and times you loath her.

While at times the chosen style can seem disjointed, in the end I enjoyed the book. I would not say it was one that I could not put down. However, if you are looking for a well-written enjoyable book, this is a good read.

The Invisible Woman

2010-04-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have clearly been the invisible woman as of late. Spring always gets away from me. I suppose that is why it is nice to slow down during the heat of summer. The last couple of weeks I have been having some abdominal pain. At its worst it felt like labor contractions. The can't stand still or imagine sitting or hardly even breathing type of pain. It was pain that landed me in the emergency room for some anti-cramping meds, blood work and an x-ray. The next day I went to my internist and he repeated the blood work and ordered a CT scan. I had also added on a fever to my laundry list of symptoms. My doctor could see my pain and was kind enough to prescribe a narcotic pain reliever to help get me through the next few days.

The next day, the cavalry arrived: my parents. They took me to my appointments (no driving allowed on narcotics). They picked up the little ladies from preschool and attended my appointments with me. Oddly, but thankfully, all of my tests were negative. He gave me antibiotics since my fever indicated some kind of infection.

This experience has reminded me how much I value my health. My doctor had been convinced he would be hospitalizing me when I returned to see him after my tests. God protected me and my family from that scary experience. I still have no idea what caused this pain. It is mostly gone, but not entirely. It has forced me to slow down this week. I hate slowing down. My house is a disaster. I have not made a single dinner all week. I have had to rely on Husband to feed the girls, clean the kitchen and look the other way when coming home to this dirty house. However, at the end of it all we have survived intact. The girls are in need of a bath. The floor is in need of a good scrubbing. We all need a nice healthy dinner soon. However, we are fine.

I hope to keep this experience in mind when I am feeling overwhelmed. Clearly I have been taught a lesson this week by the almighty. God knew I needed a smack to learn the lesson of slowing down and enjoying my family. I needed to learn to ask for help. Husband is not disappointed in me or my efforts this week. I needed to learn to let go of my unreasonable expectations of myself. While I would have preferred to miss out on the pain, I would not have consented to slowing down without it. Thus, I praise God for the experience.

The Patience of Mrs. Sparkle Nose

2010-03-24T18:31:00.000-05:00

The little ladies love Sesame Street. Panda Girl is a huge fan of Elmo. I don't think I have ever met a two year old who did not love Elmo, so she is right on schedule. Sweet Pea, however, loves the "Abbie's Flying Fairy School" segment. It is a new segment this year and it is adorable. What really struck me while watching the new vignette was Mrs. Sparkle Nose. I have decided I want to be just like her. She is calm. She is patient. She takes advantage of every teachable moment presented to her. When the fairies get into less than desirable predicaments, she calmly encourages them to use their problem solving skills to find an appropriate solution. If they get stuck, she gently guides them into the next steps.

Panda Girl has officially hit the "terrible twos". One day she is an angel, the sweet little self I have adored for almost two years. Then she can turn on a dime. Suddenly she is wailing and dramatically throwing herself to the floor. Then we have the time out action sequence. Yesterday it took four timeouts for her to calm herself down. All that before I had finished my first cup of coffee. Needless to say, it was enough to push my patience in ways I didn't know possible.
I have always struggled with patience. However, I always assumed that I would have it in abundance for my own children (those fictitious children that don't really require much patience). While I always understood that certain careers, like teaching, were not suited to my temperament, it never really bothered me. I considered it a victory if I waited calmly in line behind an especially slow and annoying shopper. Clearly I had no idea what was in store for my future. I now understand that all kids require mounds of patience from their parents. Husband has not struggled in this area. He is too patient at times, allowing the little ladies to take advantage of his generous spirit.

I, on the other hand, can expect way too much from my little girls. I sometimes take their age appropriate behavior personally. Lucky for Panda Girl, Sweet Pea has taught me much about what is "normal" at each stage. She is not having to live up to the unreasonable expectations I placed on Sweet Pea. I suppose all of us first children have that same issue. Research tells us that is why most high achievers (presidents, ceo's, etc) are either first or only children. We are taught early to expect much from ourselves and, by extension, others. If only we could all have the patience and understanding of Mrs. Sparkle Nose!

Depression vs. Relationships

2010-03-03T15:02:00.000-06:00

I have tried to be honest about my experiences with depression. I don't mind people asking me questions. I welcome questions because it shows the other person is concerned. I realize my forthrightness can make some people uncomfortable. While discomfort is never my goal, I don't try to glaze over my struggles for the sake of someone else's comfort level. That would not be honest of me. Honesty is a high priority since it was so lacking for so long in my life. I do not want to go back to that awful place again. Staying honest with myself and those around me is one way I can stay accountable.

Depression always takes a toll on relationships. Withdrawal is a huge symptom for many, including myself. Many people do not realize how difficult it is to be a friend during depression. I struggled to leave my house. I just wanted to sit on the couch or sleep. Then, I would be critical of myself. I would berate myself for my laziness. However, I was also exhausted. I could not get enough sleep. I could have slept for 12 hours a day and still been tired. All this made reaching out impossible for me. I could not even talk to Husband about everything. There was no way I was going to admit my inadequacies to people who were not required by law to listen to my whining. Sadly, there were very few who reached out to me. Some friends had no idea I was struggling. I was able to put on a happy face when in a social situation. Some friends knew and withdrew for their own reasons. Still others had their own huge struggles.

Looking back I learned whom I could trust. I learned that there is no person that can fill all my needs. I expected Husband to come to my rescue. Others disappointed me by not solving all my problems for me. I finally woke up and realized that only God can meet my needs. Husband is only human. My friends are flawed and have their own very busy lives. I still love them all, I just view our relationships a bit differently. I believe I was allowed to struggle in order to bring me back into the fold. I needed my world rocked in a profound way in order to learn to rely only on Him. He is the one I want to take care of me. Now I am ready to let Him.

Call it what it is - parenting!

2010-03-01T14:12:00.000-06:00

Why do some women call their husbands babysitters? I understand that we are our children's primary caretakers. Trust me, I get it. However, if the father of your children is giving you a break to go out and have some fun, sans children, why is it sometimes called babysitting? Do these fathers usually have no responsibilities where the kids are concerned? I realize that fifty years ago many fathers left all child-rearing to the mothers. However, haven't we gone beyond that stage in this day and age? Aren't our husbands simply parenting our kids when we go to a movie for a few hours?

Sorry to rant, but this has been bothering me lately. Husband and I share parenting responsibilities. While I may manage the day to day home, he is out providing what we need. Those roles are both important. So, to those women who ask their husbands to babysit, please stop. Ask them if they are busy, if they have important plans. If the answer is no, then tell them you are heading out while they parent the kids alone for a few hours. Then leave the house. Do not feel guilty. Do not call 200 times. Enjoy yourself girlfriend, I guarantee you have earned it.

Everyone Loves a Parade, Right?

2010-02-28T09:39:00.000-06:00

I have odd children. They do not love parades. They actually dislike parades, as was confirmed yesterday. We attended the annual rodeo parade. Historically it rains on this parade. This year was cold, but clear. Thus, the entire city bundled up and headed downtown to watch the horses, bands and floats. We were no different. We arrived promptly at 10, the appointed time of the start of the parade. Apparently, we were about a half hour late to get a good spot. So, we threw the little ladies on our shoulders and watched the show. For about 15 minutes. Then the girls were done. Sweet Pea had put herself back into the stroller and Panda Girl was whining. We had thought this would be a fun activity. Clearly we were mistaken.

Our lives have changed since the little ladies arrived on the scene. We have been fortunate to meet many great people with kids the same ages as our girls. We feel grateful to have people to share in our triumphs and, more importantly, in our defeats. However, I sometimes miss my other friends. The friends who do not have children. We had so much in common five years ago. Now, very little. Since my life revolves around the little ladies at this stage, I have a difficult time relating to the issues of office politics. My heart does not belong to my career. It belongs to my family. Not only that, the career aspirations I once held dear have evaporated. The activities we once enjoyed together can seem pointless, a bit of a waste of time.

However, I do have friends I truly miss. When I am with them I usually enjoy the company. Many of them have wonderful stories and are highly entertaining. The problem comes up when I do not feel free to talk about my little ladies. I become just a mom, not a the dynamic person of my past. It is an odd thing to have been where they are now, have some memories of that time, and know they have no way of relating to me. Some of them want to relate, others wish they could relate, the minority want to forget how different I am now. They want things to be as they were five years ago.

I feel as if I am at a parade. People are having fun all around me. The people I am with are fun people. They have not changed. I have changed. The flash I see around me is impressive, but it isn't me. These days I just want to snuggle up to my sweet husband with a glass of wine at the end of the day. I want to spend time talking to him about our girls. No one understands them like we do, and I enjoy sharing the experience with him. To me, that is the most enjoyable activity of all.

Snotty

2010-02-20T08:12:00.000-06:00

The little ladies and Husband all have some sort of winter cold. The kind where you are tired, snotty, cranky, and have a constant sore throat. Did I mention the snot? Sweet Pea is mostly able to handle her own snot. She may need a friendly reminder to use a tissue every now and then, but she is mostly self-sufficient. Panda Girl is not. She seems to be covered in a thin layer of snot all the time these days. With her it is difficult to tell if it is a cold or just teething. I suppose it does not really matter because the end result is the same: snot.

This morning when Sweet Pea woke up and I was hanging out in her room with her, I started thinking about when she was a baby. I have no idea what brought on this sudden nostalgia, but I indulged myself. While she was a difficult baby, she was also adorable. She loved to jump and move. Then I realized that she is already four. She is potty trained. She can eat by herself. She can dress herself. She even knows most of her manners. She is suddenly interested in learning to read. It has gone quicker than I imagined possible.

Panda Girl is hitting "that" stage. She will be two in April. I have been dreading this stage a bit, but I am realizing she will be very different from her big sister. Panda Girl has a much higher tolerance for frustration and has more self-control than her sister. Hopefully this will translate into an "easier" kiddo. Sweet Pea just about killed me at this stage, so I am hoping Panda Girl will go easy on her mommy. However, I am being careful not to wish the next two years away. I know they will fly by on their own. At that point all will be able to handle snot by themselves, except for maybe Husband.

The Final Stage

2010-02-19T10:29:00.000-06:00

I attended my MOPS meeting today. I always enjoy MOPS. The ladies in my group are open and honest. They are fun and have adorable kiddos. As I have mentioned before, we have a speaker each week. This week's speaker discussed grief. This woman is uniquely qualified to speak on this difficult topic. She has a masters in counseling. As a practicing counselor, she helped many through losses of their own. Four years ago, just weeks after Sweet Pea's birth, she was dealt her own blow.

Speaker went into the hospital expecting a healthy baby boy. This was her third child. Her first two children were happy and healthy girls. Although she struggled to conceive, she had delivered two children without incident. When Baby Boy was born, he was blue. As in not breathing. He was rushed to the NICU. Speaker was devastated. She missed out on her own special bonding time with Baby Boy. That special time she had enjoyed with her girls. However, she assumed he would be fine in a few hours, or days at the most. Little did she know how long it would be until she could actually hold Baby Boy in her arms.

Six weeks later, she was finally able to hold him. During that time he had needed assistance breathing. He was diagnosed with a heart defect and CP. She is certain there is some underlying medical reason he has so many health problems. However, no doctor has been able to give her and her family an accurate diagnosis. His life expectancy is totally unknown. She has to be ready for him to die at any moment.

As I wrote earlier, she is a qualified woman to speak about grief. One of her points is that we grieve for many different reasons. We grieve over the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, and the loss of a dream. I found that I could relate to her more than I expected possible. What do I have in common with a woman whose child is as ill as hers? Clearly my struggles are minute by comparison. I have two healthy girls. I do not fear losing the little ladies in the way she must fear losing her sweet boy. However, I think grief is one reason I have struggled with motherhood. In most ways I have not been the mother of my imagination. I am impatient and short-tempered. I do not enjoy chasing games or kids' music. Clearly we all fall short of our own expectations. This is true of everyone. However, I tend to have totally unrealistic expectations of myself. This has been a struggle my whole life. I always assumed I could handle anything with just a little grit and determination. However, crazy hormones do not care about your determination. I have often found myself completely and totally disappointed in my efforts. Thus, I grieve the mother of my expectations.

The last stage of grief is typically acceptance. Speaker took that concept one step further. She asserts that empowerment is the final stage. Speaker freely acknowledges that most people do not reach that stage. For the lucky ones, the determined ones, empowerment can be realized. I feel that I am finally getting to acceptance. I will now focus my energies into empowerment. I am throwing around ideas to use my experiences to help others ease their journey into parenthood. I truly believe my struggles are in no way unique to me. I have talked to too many other women in similar circumstances to consider myself special or different from them. I'm praying to find a new, creative way to help as many as possible who are struggling. They need to know they are not alone. This journey is too arduous to set out alone and unequipped.

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T20:56:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day. I have never been a huge fan of this holiday. It is fun when you are a Valentine's Day winner. To be honest, I was usually a winner. There were a couple lonely years, but most of the time I had a date. I am unsure why I never became enamored of this day of love. I suppose it just seemed silly to me. I am of the opinion that if you love someone, you should show them your love daily. If you do show your love daily, you do not need proof on one specific day in February.

Each year since Sweet Pea entered our lives, someone has been ill on Valentine's Day. I'm not talking about a common cold either. I am talking about the tummy flu. Every year. The first year, Sweet Pea was only four weeks old. Husband came home from work ill. I think that is the only year was afflicted. The other years it was either Sweet Pea or I, until last year it was Panda Girl. So far this year seems to be flu free. I refuse to be premature in my declaration of health because we still have a few hours to go on this Valentine's Day.

This year I planned for the inevitable illness. I kept our schedule totally open this weekend anticipating the onslaught of puke. Other years I have not taken these steps and always had to cancel plans at the last minute. So here is the question I have been asking myself: Is it better to anticipate the worst or is it better to hope for the best? Should I have planned something fun this year for Husband and I? Is disappointment better or worse than loss of anticipation?

These questions, of course, leads to the following: How often do I do this in my daily life? Do I plan for the worst so much that I miss out on the joy of anticipating happiness? Or, am I simply realistic? I like to think of myself as a realist. I reject that we are all either optimists or pessimists. I think I can be either, it just depends on the situation. Take tonight as an example. As mentioned earlier, I did not make plans. However, we did go out for Valentine's Day. We dressed the girls up and hit the road. At first we tried a couple of more popular favorites, they all had unreasonable waits (seriously, what toddler is going to wait an hour to be seated?). We ended up at a small Indian restaurant. It is a place we go to regularly, if not often. They graciously seated us and were prompt with the food and reasonable with the price. The little ladies just shared our food. There were no meltdowns. There was some bargaining/bribing. There were some distracting games. However, it was a fun evening. The little ladies got to enjoy a special night out with their parents (they are, of course, our valentines too) and we have a happy memory of our first successful Valentine's Day as parents.

I do not think a pessimist would have set out on this dinner journey tonight. However, I was also realistic enough to know my little ladies' limits. We were pushing them enough without expecting them to meet impossible standards. Overall I am thankful we took the chance to go out. Sitting home would have seemed too mundane. We have mundane all the time. We do not have reasons to go out and celebrate each day. I am so glad we did today.

Snow Day!

2010-02-09T16:24:00.000-06:00

Sweet Pea attends a fantastic preschool. They are good about having fun events for the kids: Halloween Parade, Snow Day, Chuck-wagon Lunch Day (with Dads), etc. Today was Snow Day. The weather here has been crummy lately, so today was the third scheduled day for this event. Thankfully today proved to be the perfect day for Snow Day. It was a sunny and relatively cold day today: we had a high of 50.

At precisely 10:40 the Red Ladybug and Green Gator classes descended upon the 6x12 ft. patch of snow. The squeals of delight were priceless. We live in a place where snow is something that only comes around every few years. When it does come, it rarely sticks to anything. Thus, this was a new experience for many of the children. As with any new experience, the kids had varying reactions. The texture was unfamiliar. Kids were slipping and sliding everywhere (typically into mud puddles formed from the rapidly melting mound). The activity was out of the ordinary. There were moms everywhere snapping pictures of their precious progeny. There were several snow toys - think beach toys adapted for a new use. However, there were not enough for everyone. All of this newness was much to handle for a group of three and four year olds.

By 11:05 the festivities were done. I know, that does not sound like much time to fully explore the snow. It turns out, it was actually about 5 minutes too many. As the ladybug class lined up to retreat into the warmth of the classroom there was a collective wail. They were overstimulated. They were tired. The mommies were leaving. I am sure a Snow Day veteran would have expected this to happen. However, as a rookie I was shocked. Sweet Pea loves school. She typically runs into class with nary a backward glance. However, today was different. You can call it exhaustion, call it peer pressure, call it over-stimulation. One thing was abundantly clear: I was not getting out of there without a full meltdown.

Tonight I am going to try something new. I am going to a knitting class. Alone. I have taken random classes in the past, but never alone. I also rarely show up to something knowing exactly zero about the topic. I am a quick learner. However, I also frustrate quite easily. My family tells me it is because everything has always come easily to me. Motherhood has been the one, glaring, exception to that rule. I am curious to find out if I have cultivated more patience for myself. I know I am now more patient with children than I ever thought possible. Will I extend that same grace to myself? If history is any guide, the answer will be no. However, I am hoping to leave history behind and embrace a new future. Otherwise, I will not be getting out of there without a full meltdown.

It turns out Sweet Pea only had a partial meltdown. The blow of Mommy leaving was softened by lots of hugs and kisses and a promise to return in a few hours. Thankfully, she settled in and had fun the rest of the day. I am hoping tonight's outing will be just as successful.

Book Review Time!

2010-02-08T10:47:00.000-06:00

I just finished another book. I wanted something light and easy to read. Previously I had read The Happiness Project and NurtureShock (I know I have not reviewed NurtureShock yet, but I promise it is coming). While I enjoyed both books and learned more than my little brain can process, I was done with learning for a bit. I am still ruminating on all the information presented in both books, so some fluff was in order. I was hoping The Divorce Party would be funny and light. It was certainly not funny and not nearly as light as I had hoped. I think my incorrect expectation set this book up poorly for me. For once, I was not eager to read this novel each night. It is rare that I find myself in that situation. Reading is one of my great joys in life, and reading The Divorce Party did not add to that joy.

The story takes place in one day. It is a day that is pivotal in the lives of Gwen and Maggie. Gwen is a well-to-do woman who lives with her husband in Montauk, New York. She and her husband have decided to divorce, ostensibly because he has found Buddhism and feels there is no room for Gwen in his life anymore. Thus, they are parting ways. Gwen tells Thomas, her husband, that she would like to have a divorce party to celebrate their 35 years of marriage with all of their friends and family. Gwen and Thomas have two adult children: Nate and Georgia. Nate is engaged to Maggie. Maggie has yet to meet her future in-laws. She and Nate are venturing to Montauk for the divorce party. Unfortunately Nate has been less than candid with Maggie about his past. Just before leaving Nate drops a huge bomb on Maggie that leaves her reeling.

The book alternates between telling the story from Gwen's and Maggie's points of view. I enjoyed the style and the idea of the whole story involving one important day. I found that interesting. However, I found the story to be predictable. I think that is why I was uninterested in picking it up each night. I felt I already knew the outcome (and it turns out, I did). I like novels to go in places I would not imagine. I find that harder to find the more I read. Thus, the problem may lie more with me than with the authors.

Overall, I don't think I can recommend this one. It isn't that it was bad, it just was not very good. Hopefully the next one I read will be better.

Progress

2010-02-07T12:54:00.003-06:00

I have been trying to lose weight for about a year. At this time last year I was still nursing. Some lucky women loose weight while breastfeeding. My body does not work that way. It has been a source of frustration for me. My body not only does not loose weight, it gains weight. If I diet while nursing I lose my supply and my body packs on fat. I have no idea why my metabolism is so evil during this time. No doctors have ever been able to explain it to me. In essence I am in pregnancy weight gain for about two years with each baby. I only took nine months between when I stopped nursing Sweet Pea before becoming pregnant with Panda Girl. Obviously I had not lost all my weight in that short amount of time after packing it on for so long. Thus, at this point last year my physical health was abysmal. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was overweight (still am). However, once I stopped breastfeeding Panda Girl I told myself it was time to get myself back in shape. I started working out regularly last April. My progress has been slow. I was not good about modifying my diet until December. I have, however, lost one pant size. I realize it is not much, but it is something.

Last week was exhausting for me. I don't think I realized how drained I was becoming until Saturday. We had a wonderful breakfast at our local zoo in the reptile house. I am grateful we get to take our children to participate in these wonderful experiences. It is not everyday that you get to finish your muffin and run off to pet a baby kimodo dragon (who was not very keen on being manhandled by the public, btw). I was glad I was there to watch the delight on their faces as they touched a snake for the first time. However, I could not stop yawning.

Once breakfast was finished we stayed at the zoo to play for a bit longer. It was a rare beautiful day, and we were determined to enjoy it. We saw the giraffes, elephants, zebras and cranes. We rode the carousel, twice. We petted goats in the petting zoo. The little ladies played on the playground. Once we got home and had fed the ladies and put them down for naps, I collapsed on the bed. I slept the whole time they did.

I could not figure out why I was struggling so much. Then I thought about the week. Sweet Pea's school had an in service Monday. She was sick and stayed home from school Thursday. Panda Girl's school had an in service on Thursday, too. We took long and crazy trips to Michael's to get supplies for Sweet Pea's Valentine's Party favors. We made homemade Valentines for Sweet Pea's school friends. We made Valentine's cupcakes. We ate at home all week. I did all the laundry in the whole house.

I don't say all this to complain about how busy I am as a stay at home mom. That I run around chasing my tail all day, everyday, is expected. What was different was the lack of time to spend on myself. Early in the week was pretty good, but by the end I had spent no time on myself since Tuesday. Clearly, that is not ideal. I had not even exercised. It is amazing how much I needed Husband to step in yesterday to pick up my slack.

So, I went and got some exercise. I made myself a fun and not too caloric dessert last night. I watched shows on television that Husband is not too interested in watching. However, it worked. Today I feel so much better. I have been productive and enjoyed my family. While I did allow myself to be depleted this week, I am proud that I realized it and took steps to feel better. I am slowly learning to be more self-aware. Finally. I see progress. Now if only I could see progress on the scale, hmmm. I guess I need to have faith that eating well and exercising as regularly as my schedule will allow will bear fruit for me eventually. It has worked with my mental health, I am choosing to believe it will work for my physical health too.

The least I can do

2010-02-05T23:24:00.003-06:00

Tonight I went and did a service project with my Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group. We made beautiful handmade cards for the children of Ft. Hood to send to their parent who is deployed overseas. We are putting together 120 packets of cards. Each packet has 8 cards plus a postcard for the deployed parent to send back to their child. We are supplying the cards, envelopes and stamps for the children. There is an amazingly talented woman in our group who designed all the cards and has organized the whole thing. We spent last Friday night cutting paper strips, squares and flowers (oh so many flowers) for the cards. The Mother's Day card alone has 12 little card stock flowers. Each of the flowers was die cut by us for all 120 packets. As you can imagine this project has been quite the undertaking. We were unable to finish tonight, so we will meet one more time to get it all done in a couple weeks.

As a whole the women in MOPS are caring, considerate, kind people. I have not met one who does not meet that description. Here is what confuses me: very few came to participate in the service project last week or tonight. We all have kids, husbands, etc. to consider and balance in our lives. We all have other things we could be doing instead of making little homemade cards for people we don't know. However, isn't the point of a service project to give up the time to help others? Is it service if the only other thing we would be doing is nothing? I was dismayed that only about 20% of our group showed up to participate on either night. How are we going to teach our kids to help others if we can't give up one Friday night?

I am not trying to sound critical, I just feel frustrated by the general apathy I see in people sometimes. We don't think about the sacrifices other people make to allow us to live free. We feel entitled to our comfortable lives. I am no better. I often turn the channel if the news gets to "real" for me. I have righteous anger towards those who abuse children, yet I have done nothing about it. In some ways it is all very overwhelming. The world is full of problems, I am just one person. One person who does not even handle her own problems well, I certainly can't be trusted to help anyone else. Then I read about people like Greg Mortenson who builds houses in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I look at my friends and family in the military and realize these people are missing seeing their children grow up so I can sleep well at night. These are the people I find inspiring. They make me want to do good for others. Thus, when the opportunity was placed in front of me, I had to go help. It is truly the least I can do for the children and the parents who miss them.

I hope to pass this desire to serve down to my children. I hope they find value in helping those we don't know or see daily. I hope they understand that sometimes Mommy has to go help others. We have different activities we do to help them see how it can be fun to serve too. How are you passing this important concept on to your children? Do you think it is worthwhile? What do you think?

Overflowing Cup

2010-02-01T22:32:00.004-06:00

This afternoon was a bit strange around here. Sweet Pea rarely naps these days, but Panda Girl usually naps consistently. Today Panda Girl threw me for a loop, she hardly slept. I even had to go back into her room after about 30 minutes to remind her to sleep. She was cranky all evening (shocking, I know from an exhausted toddler). I made sure to get her in bed by 7. Sadly, she decided she was not wanting to sleep yet and partied for a good half hour. Thankfully, she got herself to sleep without any further intervention, but the whole situation was so strange.

Often I feel that as soon as I get Sweet Pea or Panda Girl figured out, they change on me. I suppose that is one of the greatest challenges of motherhood. At times these changes are good. Sweet Pea is becoming so sweet and fun and easy these days. She is mostly through the crazy tantrums and difficult toddler behavior. She is easier to enjoy. Panda Girl, on the other hand, is turning into a two year old. My child who always loved to eat is suddenly refusing food she has always loved. These days she only seems to want dried fruit, chocolate milk, water and yogurt. My sweet, easy baby is suddenly screaming through the entire thirty minute grocery store trip because she can't get out of the cart to empty the shelves of all their merchandise. So strange. I suppose I need to get used to all the changes because this is only the beginning.

I feel that I have even changed lately. Today I found myself in a craft store buying supplies to make Sweet Pea's Valentine's cards myself. I am not buying the $2 cards, we are turning it into a project we can enjoy together. A year ago, I didn't even think about the cards until the night before she needed them. So she was stuck with whatever Walgreen's had on clearance the day before Valentine's Day. I suppose this is how I always thought I would handle being a mother. I am glad I am finally able to meet that expectation I had for myself. What is strange is that in order to get here, I needed to focus on myself more. I have realized I can only give from an overflowing cup, not an empty one. I am grateful I can take time to exercise and eat well and visit with friends knowing that all of those activities are actually good for my girls. That realization has given me much more freedom than I had a year ago. With that freedom, I am able to handle Panda Girl's tantrums and enjoy projects with Sweet Pea.

Tomorrow Panda Girl has mother's day out. She is supposed to nap there. I have always had confidence in her ability to sleep there and she has never disappointed me. However, I have no idea what tomorrow will hold for me with her. I do know, however, that at 6:30 a babysitter is coming so Husband and I can go have dinner with friends. That fact will make tomorrow much easier with a potentially cranky Panda Girl.

Book Review Time!

2010-01-31T20:17:00.003-06:00

I am finally attempting to review The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Rubin was riding a bus with her daughter on the way to school one morning. She realized she was not as happy as she should be with her life. She was financially comfortable, she had work she enjoyed, and she had a wonderful family. Thus came a question: Why was she not overwhelmingly happy? What was standing in her way? In that moment The Happiness Project was born.

In order to find a place to start, Rubin started reading everything she could about happiness. Once she had learned about the various happiness theories to which people ascribe, she set out to test them for herself. She had no idea how many of them would apply to her personally. Rubin also realized this was a daunting undertaking, so she broke the theories down into smaller more manageable tasks. To provide structure, she created a theme for each month of the year. Her themes include: Vitality, Marriage, Work, Parenthood, Leisure, Friendship, Money, Eternity, Books, Mindfulness and Attitude. Each theme had several specific resolutions. These resolutions included: laugh out loud, keep a food diary, write a novel, keep a gratitude notebook, give something up, make three new friends, take time to be silly, sing in the morning, ask for help, quit nagging and go to bed earlier. Before she embarked on these months she created twelve personal commandments. These commandments ranged from "Be Gretchen" to "Act the way I want to feel" to "Do it now".

Throughout the book Rubin learns what works to help her happiness each month. Some theories work well, others not nearly as much. She also discovers her own personal "Four Splendid Truths" for her happiness. One of her great discoveries was how keeping her resolutions at the forefront of her mind via a chart was incredibly helpful in maintaining focus. All of these discoveries lead up to a central idea about what truly makes up happiness for her.

All in all I learned much about happiness from reading her book. It helped me understand some of my own obstacles to joy. It has reminded me of what is truly important in life. While I am not currently ready to take on a happiness project of my own, it is an idea that appeals to me. The book was well worth the time to read. I truly enjoyed the ideas and the writing. You will have to read for yourself exactly how she fared in her own project. I hope you do, it will be time well spent. It will not only teach you the theories behind happiness, it may also help you find more joy in your own life.

Excuses, excuses

2010-01-30T22:03:00.003-06:00

I have finished two books that I have not reviewed. I need to get on the stick and get it done. Hopefully I can get on it tomorrow. I am still ruminating over how to review each book. I guess we will see what I come up with soon. Thanks for your patience, this has been a crazy week.

Plans

2010-01-26T13:16:00.003-06:00

This weekend I was fortunate to be able to head to Atlanta to celebrate a sweet friend's thirtieth birthday. Turning thirty is a big milestone, so I was excited to experience it with her. PL is such a special woman. She is intelligent, kind, and fun. She has a huge heart and is genuine with everyone. Her smile is contagious.

PL is in an exciting phase of her life. In the last year she has met the man of her dreams and been promoted at work. She is enjoying planning a future with CK. He is a great match for her. I am thankful she did not settle for anyone less, as anyone else would have been a disappointment. However, when she was growing up, this is not how she pictured her life at thirty.

While trying to get home on Sunday, I was forced to alter my plans. I had truly enjoyed my time in Atlanta, but I was ready to get home to Husband and the Little Ladies. I missed them. I had a bit of a cold and craved my own bed. I missed my Ally and Sophie greeting me each time I entered the room. It was freezing cold and I had not brought my coat. All in all, I was ready to be home. Unfortunately, the weather had other plans for me. There was a huge storm that tracked all the way from the deep south up to New England. It had all the airports on the eastern side of the country tied up. So, my 4:45 flight was delayed until 11. The announcements kept telling us different things until we finally landed on the real answer: they had to cancel the flight. At this point I had been calling the airport home for about 7 hours. After waiting in a lovely line I was told I could not leave until 1, the next afternoon. It sounded like an eternity. I had been remarkably patient (especially for me), but I was devastated.

I think that is what PL has felt in her life up until this year. She was trying to wait patiently for her dream of CK to become her reality. In the meantime she has been very successful. She has an MBA from a prestigious school. She has travelled the world. She has made the most of her time waiting. While I was not able to do much with my airport time, I did get some reading done. It isn't an MBA, but it was nice.

Thankfully my safe flight home came to fruition the next day without any complications. It was smooth sailing the whole way with nary a bump in sight. While I can't promise PL a totally smooth ride with CK, I have faith that it will be a life full of wonderful journeys.

Obedience

2010-01-21T22:08:00.002-06:00

Panda Girl is getting close to that age. That age when tantrums become the norm. That age when her favorite word is "no" (and she is talented at yelling it as loudly as possible). That age where my sweetly (mostly) obedient baby turns into a difficult hot mess of a two year old. She is currently 21 months old. While she does say "no" constantly, she is not too tough yet. I am certain that day is coming and it is coming fast.

While I wish my girls were perfectly obedient, they clearly are not. No one is. Especially me. I know what is healthy and what is not. I understand the choices I make are my responsibility and no one else's. However, I continue to disobey. Why have I this need to rebel? I was never an overtly rebellious kid (smart-mouthed, yes). Of course I broke rules and lied about it from time to time. However, on the balance, I was a good kid. So, why do I find myself being rebellious at 33? Why am I still trying to steal moments of satisfaction at the expense of pure joy? I hate it when I annoy myself!

I suppose I am still a work in progress. I guess at some level I will always be the smart-mouthed teenager. However, that also means that my Panda Girl will always be, at some level, my sweetly obedient baby. For that fact, I am grateful.

Accountablility

2010-01-18T12:37:00.003-06:00

A couple weeks ago I set forth some resolutions for myself and my family. Today I want to fill you all in on my progress. Like everyone else, I am better at some resolutions than others.

1. Exercise a minimum of 3 days/week, hopefully 4.
I have kept to three days/week. I have yet to make 4. However, I am going to call this a victory so far. Each of my workouts are a minimum of 45 minutes, which is longer than my old standard of half an hour. Overall, I am quite pleased by my progress on this one.

2. Eat Healthy.
Most days I have eaten really well (Sweet Pea's birthday doesn't count, right). I have "automated" two meals a day. I have egg beaters with low fat cheddar cheese and either a banana or double fiber whole grain toast for breakfast. For lunch I have my "big salad". This salad has a couple cups of spinach, berries, no sugar added mandarin oranges, low fat feta cheese, craisins, crunchy onions, avocado chunks and a small amount of poppy seed dressing. I also add a low sodium, precooked chicken breast. If I run out of chicken then I have a turkey roll up using whole grain wraps with flax seed. For my daily snack (between lunch and dinner) I have light, non fat yogurt with blueberries and a graham cracker. This way I only have to make a decision about dinner. It is easier to behave if I don't have to exercise will power all day.

3. Start insisting my little ladies eat the food placed in front of them. No negotiations. No bribing. Basically they are being told, "Eat what is prepared for you and eat it now. Otherwise you will be waiting for the next snack time or meal time.". It has worked so far, I'm hoping it becomes our new normal.
This works for me with the little ladies. Husband is not totally on board yet with this. Hopefully he will continue improving. This early in the year I am happy with any progress.

4. Get a babysitter and go out with Husband and/or friends twice a month.
We had a babysitter on the 9th and went out to dinner with friends. This weekend I am going to Atlanta to celebrate with a friend as she turns 30. So, January has been successful with this resolution.

5. Get some real work done on our house. There is much to do and I need to start.
I am in the process of purging excess junk, er stuff, from our home. While this may not sound like it relates to this resolution, it is my first step. So far I have purged the playroom, Sweet Pea's bedroom and my closet. Tomorrow (while the little ladies are at preschool and Mother's Day Out) I am going to tackle Panda Girl's Room. Once the purging/rearranging of stuff is complete, I am going to have a garage sale. So, if you visit me between now and then please show me some grace with the mess in our guest room. It is currently the dumping ground for the purged items.

6. Go to bed early. My goal is to get up 30 minutes to an hour before the little ladies wake. I think that time to eat breakfast alone will set me up well for the day. Here's the obstacle: I. Hate. Mornings. Hate them. Always have. I think this will be the most challenging resolution. We'll see how long I can manage it.
As I predicted, this has been the most difficult resolution to keep. I have managed to push bedtime up to 10:30 most nights. My goal is 10. At least I have made progress. The mornings we have to be somewhere (preschool, Mops, whatever) I have been up before the little ladies. This has helped me eat my healthy breakfast each morning too. It has transformed my mood these mornings. Instead of feeling rushed and grumpy, I have been calm and enjoyed my little ladies. (The mornings we don't have to be somewhere have always been pretty good around here.)

I have been happy with my resolutions thus far. It is coincidental that a friend suggested we read The Happiness Project right now. It fits in well with what I am trying to accomplish. It is organized by month, and I am up to August. Once I have finished it, look for a review here. I hope all of you are keeping up with your resolutions. Try to keep yourself accountable if you really want to succeed.

Are you sure Sweet Pea is turning 4?

2010-01-16T00:24:00.001-06:00

Today is Sweet Pea's birthday. Four years ago today she entered the world and I have never been the same. My labor with her was complicated. She was eight days late. I had to be induced. After she was born, the NICU team rushed her out of the room to suction her to ensure she didn't get a lung infection from the meconium she passed in utero. Soon the neonatalogist was back in the room telling me how pretty my new baby looked. While that was a sweet compliment, I was much more interested in her health. I was a first time mom and I had not even seen my baby yet. He quickly assured me everything was fine. Finally, Husband walked in holding her. He brought her to me and I was in awe of her.

Bringing her into the world was difficult, painful and amazing. She has taught me more than any teacher ever did in school. She has taught me a new way to love. She inspires me to become a better person so that she can live up to her full potential. She is extremely empathetic. She becomes genuinely concerned when anyone is hurt or upset. She loves other kids. She has a way of quickly befriending sweet little boys who fall for those beautiful browns as she bats her lashes. She is busy. She enjoys anything active. She seems to believe that it is crazy to walk when you can run, since running is much more fun. She loves to laugh and be silly. She adores her baby sister. She gets so excited when Panda Girl is willing to play with her. It is enough to warm this mommy's heart. She is affectionate. She loves to hug us and makes sure we hug her often.

I am starting to see that she is an extraordinary individual. I can see her being a wonderful caretaker someday. I have no idea what she will become as an adult. I am very excited to see. However, I can wait. These last four years have flown by too fast. I am still in denial that she is going to be four (I accidentally bought her a candle that had the number three on it). I just hope she knows that I am proud of her and I love her fiercely.

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!

Book Review Time!

2010-01-10T10:15:00.003-06:00

There is a book I had been wanting to read for a long time. However, I kept pushing it back to "later". I'm not sure why I didn't just take the plunge and read it. I think I was afraid I would be disappointed by the story. It had been hyped by many I know and respect. The book in question is Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. Like me, I am sure you have heard of this book. Don't be afraid of the story, you won't be disappointed.

This book is a memoir/biography of Greg Mortenson. Greg accidentally stumbled into a small Pakistani village on his descent from K2. While there he was taken care of by the village elder and his family. He realized the village did not have a school for the children. In his gratitude for the hospitality extended to him, Greg promised to return and build a school for the village. Thus begins a new direction in Mortenson's life.

The book follows his falterings and successes. It shows the development of his philosophy for building schools. It explains the lack of education in Pakistan and Afghanistan, especially for girls. It shows how much he sacrificed for his vision of education for all children. It also outlines his personal life during the years he was starting up his Central Asia Institute.

It also shows how we, as Americans, are not likely to help poor Muslims yet we jump at the chance to help Buddhists and indigenous peoples. Especially after 9/11 Americans have a tough time understanding the culture in Pakistan, Iran, Afghanistan, etc. We still fear them because of the extremism we have all witnessed in the media. Instead of fearing them, Greg Mortenson has learned to understand them. He has stumbled is way through their culture in a way that is inspiring.

Overall, I found Mortenson's story inspiring. It was not a quick read for me. First, it was over the Christmas holidays. I did not have much reading time to spare. Second, it really made me think. I would stop reading and just think about what I had just learned from the book. I wish the story had been told in first person. I think that would have given the story a bigger emotional punch. However, it is well written and interesting. Thus, I recommend the book and hope it opens you up to a new way of thinking.

Awesome Day

2010-01-06T15:15:00.003-06:00

Before I was a parent, I had a picture in my mind of how my days would run as a stay at home mom. My girls (I always pictured myself with two girls) would be in pristine coordinating outfits. They would love to sit still and read books. It would be easy to take them anywhere. I would be thin and stylish. My home would be in order. Husband would come home from work and we would feel connected. We would love to go out together, without guilt.

Clearly the reality was a shock. I love the little ladies more than I ever thought possible. That aspect of parenting has been a fantastic surprise. There are days when the girls stay in the pajamas all day because we are not going anywhere that day. While I love my girls just the way they are, they are not wallflowers. Sitting still is not part of their DNA. There are days I have not been able to shower, much less exercise. Husband and I have gone months at a time without getting out just the two of us.

While motherhood has not at all been what I expected, there are so many days filled with joy. A joy that comes from down in your bones. A joy that transcends your mood and situation. Many of those days are special occasions: Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving. However, there are some ordinary days that can take your breath away.

Today has been one of those fabulous days. It started with my moms' group. I love going to MOPS. The little ladies play with friends for three hours. I get adult conversation with women who are living through the same life situations. They truly understand my life. These are smart and funny women. I truly enjoy their company. After MOPS the girls and I went to our favorite pizza buffet (don't worry I didn't overindulge). The little ladies had a great time and the food was great. We got home and three deliveries I had been expecting were already at the door. It was nice to realize I didn't have to worry about the doorbell ringing during nap time. Two of the deliveries were Panda Girl's reflux medications and her diapers. Not thrilling, but necessary. The third delivery was my new camera lens. I got a new camera for Christmas. It is awesome. All I needed was a bigger zoom and now I have it. I immediately started using it to capture the little ladies. It is as wonderful as I had hoped. Tonight I am going to the gym to be tortured by Jesus (the Latin fitness instructor, not the Messiah) for an hour. I plan to stay and have a steam and relax. It is going to be so fun to relax on my own.

It has been a wonderful day. While it is not the day I pictured in my fantasies, it has been amazing. I would not change any part of this day.

Resolutions

2010-01-03T20:47:00.003-06:00

Like most people, I have resolutions this year. I know mine are typical, but they are mine nonetheless. My resolutions are not just for myself, but for my family as well.

Here they are:

1. Exercise a minimum of 3 days/week, hopefully 4.

2. Eat healthy. I'm talking salads and quinoa. Egg white omelets and whole grain toast.

3. Start insisting my little ladies eat the food placed in front of them. No negotiations. No bribing. Basically they are being told, "Eat what is prepared for you and eat it now. Otherwise you will be waiting for the next snack time or meal time.". It has worked so far, I'm hoping it becomes our new normal.

4. Get a babysitter and go out with Husband and/or friends twice a month.

5. Get some real work done on our house. There is much to do and I need to start.

6. Go to bed early. My goal is to get up 30 minutes to an hour before the little ladies wake. I think that time to eat breakfast alone will set me up well for the day. Here's the obstacle: I. Hate. Mornings. Hate them. Always have. I think this will be the most challenging resolution. We'll see how long I can manage it.

Do you have any resolutions this year? I would love to hear about them. Any more original than mine? Cheers and Happy New Year!

Routine

2010-01-03T20:28:00.003-06:00

As a parent I believe children need structure. In my opinion, kids gain confidence when they know what is coming next. I think that is why kids love shows that follow a pattern or want the same book read to them over and over again. I am certain that is why Sweet Pea is constantly asking the same questions (even when she already knows the answer).

The holidays are a wonderful season. I love the family time and the decorations and the food, so much food. I am also glad it is over. I am ready to eat healthy. I am ready to exercise. I am ready for the girls to go back to preschool and Mother's Day Out. I am excited for my moms group this week. I can't wait to have time to read again.

2009-12-31T19:27:00.002-06:00

Today I have been thinking about this past year. I suppose it is natural to look back on New Year's Eve. I have so much to be thankful for in 2009. The little ladies are flourishing. They are getting to ages where they can play well with each other. Panda Girl is becoming more independent with each passing day. Sweet Pea is turning into a very sweet little girl. For these, and many other reasons, I smile when I think of this year.

However, this was not an easy year. A year ago I was living in misery. Panda Girl was still struggling to sleep at night and Sweet Pea was refusing to potty train. I had no time to myself. Panda Girl refused to take a bottle or sippy cup. I was literally unable to take a break. It seemed every time I tried to get out for even an hour, Panda Girl would start to melt down. That, in turn, caused me to melt down internally.

In January I decided to start exercising. I was exhausted and frustrated. I hoped getting more active would help with stress relief and help with my energy level. While that was a good idea in theory, in practice there were some issues. When I am nursing my metabolism slows down. Thus, I decided the exercise was necessary. However, that caused my milk supply to diminish. The diminishing milk supply caused Panda Girl to wake up more in the night since she was thirsty. That, in turn, made me tired. So, I was stuck in a catch-22. I don't even like that book.
Life got a little easier in April. I weaned Panda Girl (which caused her to start sleeping through the night) and potty trained Sweet Pea. I was expecting to start feeling much better. However, there was not much improvement. I got more and more frustrated. Finally, as I have written before, the light came on at the end of the tunnel in August.

This year I have learned so much about myself. I am much tougher than I realized. I am stubborn and am bad about asking for help. I repress my feelings when something is really bothering me. It turns out I am very good at hiding my emotions from those I love. So, I am planning to use this knowledge to help me this year. I will ask for help and take time for myself. I will make myself a priority. I have no idea what 2010 holds for me, but I am ready for it. I have faith I will come out the other side healthy and happy.

Book Review Time!

2009-12-30T09:27:00.002-06:00

I went to go see "New Moon" with a friend a few weeks ago. One of the previews was for an upcoming film called "Dear John". It is a film based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks of the same name. I am not always a big fan of Sparks' work. I loved his memoir he wrote with his brother. It was a fantastic read. This film trailer caught my eye because of the name of one of the characters. It is a name I love. I correctly assumed it would be an easy and entertaining read.

Dear John is a novel about the nature of true love. John and Savannah have a chance encounter on the beach. John is on leave from the army and is visiting his father. Savannah is a college student in town to build homes for the poor. It is the classic good girl falling for the bad boy routine. The story is told from John's perspective and his character is well developed. Savannah's character is likable and sweet. Circumstances unfold in such a way that Savannah sends John a Dear John letter. John is eventually confronted with the questions of: "What is true love?" and "What would you do for true love?".

While the concept of the story is not new and the outcome is not a surprise, it is a good story. It was a perfect book to read over Christmas since is was fast and easy. Thus, if you are looking for the light and easy read, this just may be your next book.

Friend with Faith

2009-12-28T19:35:00.003-06:00

Today we went to the zoo as a family. We met an old friend of mine and her family there. The O family is a Navy family. Mr. O is an engineering officer. Thankfully, for my friend, that means he rarely has to leave for extended duty. They have three children: Josh, age 7; Jackie, age 5; and Jake, age 2. Mr. and Mrs. O are fervent pro-life advocates. They are so pro-life that they do not use birth control. As she says it: They "are prepared to welcome as many children as the Lord deems appropriate" into their family. Wow, what a leap of faith.

Not only is their attitude about children a leap of faith, their daughter's health requires constant faith. At about 6 months old they started noticing bruises on their sweet baby girl. Jackie was not mobile yet and bruises seemed to appear very easily. Their first concern was leukemia. They were relieved to find they were spared a cancer diagnosis. However, the diagnosis was not a good one. She has acute hemophilia.

I knew very little about the disease before baby Jackie was found to have it. What I did know was that girls are not supposed to be symptomatic. The recessive defective gene is carried on the X chromosome. Boys are afflicted because there is only one X chromosome and, therefore, not an extra "good" copy of the gene. Girls have two X chromosomes so the other gene typically protects them from becoming symptomatic. They can be carriers, but are not usually afflicted. For some reason Jackie's extra copy of the gene that is supposed to protect her has turned itself off. She has been studied by the best doctors in the country and no one can explain her unique genetics.

What does all this mean for the O family? It means that every bump little Jackie receives could be life-threatening. She has had severe bleeds in her brain and hip. She is on medication, however it is not as effective as the doctors would expect. Thus, Mr. and Mrs. O have a couple of different ways to handle her condition. They could not allow her to do anything and make active little Jackie stir-crazy. That option would be very tempting. The other thing they could do is have faith. This is the option they have chosen. While they do take precautions with her (helmet, knee pads, etc.) they allow her to play like most kids. There are some activities that are off-limits. She will never be a gymnast. She will never be a rugby player. They are hoping she will be able to live a relatively normal life. She will always have significant medical bills. She will always need to be careful. I don't know what her diagnosis means for her ability to carry her own child someday. What I do know is that she is one in several million, literally.

I am thankful her parents are people of faith. Without faith this would be an impossible disorder to accept. While they would have never asked for this disease to afflict Jackie, they hope and pray God will use their situation for His glory. I am fortunate to call Mrs. O my oldest friend (we have known each other for 26 years - we are only 33). She has taught me so much about acceptance and faith. She is not angry with God or bitter about her more difficult situation. She is grateful to have Jackie in her life.

More than Gifts

2009-12-26T20:35:00.003-06:00

The little ladies had a wonderful holiday. Panda Girl received no fewer than six pandas, two of which supposedly make accurate panda sounds. Sweet Pea's favorite items included a tent, a guitar and play horses. I am thankful our girls are lucky enough to receive Christmas presents. However, as a parent the gift receiving is not where I want to place the emphasis. The little ladies need to learn the value of giving. We read books teaching the legends of St. Nicholas and the candy cane. We gave to those less fortunate and talked about how some people do not have homes, food, clothes or toys.

We also want our children to understand the real reason for Christmas. While placing Christmas in December is neither biblical nor factual, it is an important day representing Christ's birth. Until I was a parent I did not fully understand a parent's love. Now that I have the little ladies I have a new appreciation for God's sacrifice. I can't imagine bringing a child into this world knowing he was destined to die so horribly and painfully. Thus, we spent time having a birthday party for Jesus.

I know the little ladies do not fully understand all I have tried to teach them this year. Panda Girl has a long way to go until she can fathom any of this. Sweet Pea is just excited about birthdays. However, I have faith that some day a light will go on inside of them and they will get it.

Christmas

2009-12-24T09:50:00.004-06:00

Today is Christmas Eve. Today and tomorrow are days we always anticipate around here. We watch Christmas movies. We decorate cookies for Santa. Tonight we will have dinner with Husband's family and, this year, we will open gifts with them. We will put the little ladies to bed and break out the tools. This year they will receive a kitchen set from Santa, so we will spend our evening assembling it for them. I know they will love it. Tomorrow we will open some gifts at home and then head off to see my family.

These are days I have been dreaming about for months. These are days where the pictures in my head of the happy family are clear. My expectations are high. We are all freshly washed and pressed. There are no runny noses. There is no whining. There are no temper tantrums. Heck, the dogs are even washed and groomed. All family members behave. There are no passive-aggressive remarks or rolled eyes. We are the picture perfect family of the Norman Rockwell paintings.

Then I wake up. There are toys scattered everywhere. The camera has been lost at one of the many Christmas festivities we have attended. Panda Girl has a cold and is a fountain of snot. Sweet Pea is exhausted from the pre-Christmas activities and is throwing tantrums like when she was two. I am exhausted from all the preparations that have been made over the last month. Husband even has to discipline Sweet Pea (if you know him, you realize he does not really discipline her until she is pushed way beyond decent behavior). While this is not what anyone would picture for Christmas Eve, it is my reality.

The rest of the day will be spent decorating Christmas cookies. We will get cleaned up. Panda Girl will have to put her clothes back on (she is currently running around in only her diaper - my favorite outfit on her). Then, late tonight, after all the festivities are complete, Husband and I will look around our home and sigh. It will be a sigh of happiness and gratefulness. We will smile at each other and wonder at this family we have created. We will be thank God for these beautiful babies we are so fortunate to call our own. We will drift off to a peaceful sleep and dream again of our perfect Christmas.

All this just for a picture?

2009-12-20T21:16:00.003-06:00

My mom and I had an idea about a month ago. We decided it had been too long since our family took a nice family picture and it was time to go forth and pose. The pictures were to include my grandmother, her husband, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my sister, my husband, the little ladies and me. The idea seemed so simple. Everyone shows up at the park at the appointed hour and we all smile. While that is how it would have happened in many families, that is not at all what happened with mine.

This event - and yes, I must categorize this as an event - took an immense amount of planning. To be fair, there were eleven different people to coordinate and attempt to please. We had to hash out several different options for dates that would work for everyone. Just as we thought we had a date chosen, I received an invitation in the mail for a holiday party it was important we attend. We finally settled on Friday. One person wanted studio photos. However, the photographer we chose does not have a studio. So we chose a beautiful area complete with a Japanese garden. However, all week the weather was awful. The sky was steel gray and mist hung in the air. As we walked the gardens in the days leading up to Friday, I shivered in the cold. We staked out a nearby hotel as an alternate location in case the bad weather continued. Then there were the attire discussions. Grandma insisted on wearing a formal dress with beaded lapels on the jacket. She also purchased matching velvet and taffeta dresses for the little ladies. I don't know about you, but I do not own anything that dressy at this stage in life. Mom, Sister and I each took several trips into our closets. I ended up making a last ditch trip to the mall to find a cute little black dress that would fit the bill. All in all I was unsure what to expect from Friday.

We had spent much of the week running around. Sweet Pea had her Christmas program. Panda Girl had a nasty cold that prevented either of us from sleeping well all week. On top of that we had my sweet Aunt and Uncle in town visiting. When Friday dawned I had planned a very quiet morning for the little ladies and I. We stayed home and in our pajamas. I was hoping the low key morning would enable us to have a meltdown free photo shoot and fancy dinner afterward.

Thankfully, our plans for outside photos were solidified when we all looked out our windows Friday morning. The sky was baby blue without a cloud in sight. All week the temperatures had hovered in the forties and fifties. Friday the sun came out and warmed the air to a comfortable sixty-four degrees. We met the photographer and started shooting. Panda Girl did not want to smile for much of the time, but I am hopeful there are some good shots of us all. I think the girls even had some fun.

Once we finished in the park it was on to Fancy Restaurant for dinner. I don't know about you, but we do not take our girls to expensive restaurants. It has always seemed like such a waste of money. However, that is what the family wanted to do and I reluctantly agreed. I secretly told myself that we would leave if the little ladies became unruly. As luck would have it, and it truly was luck, the girls behaved well. I did have to hold Panda Girl on my lap for much of the meal, but at least I got to eat a fantastic steak. Best of all, that particular restaurant has my favorite dessert. I enjoyed every last bit of that bread pudding. Sister teased that I practically licked the inside of the bowl to avoid missing any morsel.

While that day and the days leading up to it were an ordeal, I hope we will have a beautiful family picture to admire. I fiercely love my family. While I can tease them and complain about them, you had better not. I'm thinking we may even sit back and laugh about this one day. However, today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Book Review Time!

2009-12-19T09:54:00.002-06:00

I am a fan of Jeanette Walls. I loved her memoir, The Glass Castle. It was amazing. I was thrilled when Half Broke Horses: A True-Life Novel was published a couple months ago. To say I had eagerly anticipated reading another book of Walls' is akin to saying Sweet Pea is a bit excited about Christmas. Walls writes a mostly autobiographical novel in her grandmother's voice. Lily Casey Smith was a tough as nails frontier woman. She was resourceful and smart. She lived in a dugout house for many years. She rode a horse for 28 days from New Mexico to Arizona alone at age 15. She broke wild horses and played poker. She was a bootlegger during prohibition. She was essentially a half broke horse herself.

The narrative uses the dialect Jeanette remembers hearing from her grandmother. The stories told are those Jeanette learned from her mother and grandmother. Walls also used newspaper stories and public records to substantiate much of what she writes. However, the details that give this book life and allow it to read like a novel were filled in by Walls' imagination.

The story is entertaining. It is full of flash floods, heartbreak, and humor. The writing style lends personality to Lily. I thought the story was well paced and interesting. The characters were well developed, interesting and likable. Overall I truly enjoyed the book and I highly recommend it.

Some Breathing Room

2009-12-14T21:42:00.002-06:00

We have been very busy in our corner of the world. I have been under a tight deadline: have all pre-Christmas preparation (except gift wrapping) completed by December 13. I needed to be organized and have all teacher gifts chosen and ready for the school parties. I needed to have gifts for Savannah's friends ready. I needed to have all family presents purchased. The Christmas cards had to be sent. All long distance packages needed to be posted. It sounds a bit crazy, huh?

I have an Aunt and Uncle who live in the desert. We don't get to see them nearly as much as I would like. Aunt and Uncle never had kids, thus Sister and I are their only "human" children (they do have dog children, if you know what I mean). They have only met Panda Girl once, at 8 weeks old. They have not seen Sweet Pea in two years. My little ladies are their only "grandchildren".

Growing up, Aunt and Uncle were always a fixture in our lives. Most of the time they lived far away from us (we had them living here for about 4 years). We saw them at least once a year. Uncle was always fun. He took us camping. He played mini-golf with us. He went swimming with us. Aunt taught me how to apply make-up. She taught me what colors look nice with my skin tone and hair color. She taught me that you can have a second career late in life when she went back to school for a totally different degree the second time around. I have always felt lucky to be their niece.

So, why the December 13 deadline? Aunt and Uncle came into town today. I wanted my schedule clear to enjoy them during their almost two week visit. Tonight they came over for soup and cornbread and Monday Night Football. It was so fun to see them interacting with my girls. Uncle loves children, especially once they are toddlers. He throws them around. He tickles them. Panda Girl can be a bit leery of new people, but she walked up to him with her arms outstretched within ten minutes of his arrival. Sweet Pea remembered him from two years ago. He made such an impression on a barely two year old girl that she was thrilled to see him tonight. Aunt is not sure what to do with babies, but since the girls are a bit bigger now she had fun watching them. Panda Girl loves to entertain and she found an audience in Aunt.

I realize there will be too much extended family togetherness over the next two weeks. I am confident we will get on each other's nerves. However, I am equally confident that I would not change anything about them*. I love them as they are. I am grateful to have them in my life. I pray they become a large part of my little ladies' lives too.

*I reserve the right to take back this statement at any time in the next two weeks. I also reserve the right to not be reminded of aforementioned statement.

Healing, Four Months Later

2009-12-13T22:23:00.003-06:00

I need to apologize. It turns out there has been a sweet friend leaving me comments on my blog. My email notification somehow got turned off and I did not realize the comments were left for me. One of the comments has had me thinking today. She asked me what caused my new found well-being. There are several elements that have come together to make me feel better.

To give some background, I battled postpartum depression for about a year. Mine did not start immediately after Panda Girl was born, it took about four months to start setting in. I was exhausted, disinterested and angry. I thought that by toughening up I could "fix" myself. I also thought my thyroid was acting up. I have Hashimoto's Disease (scary name, treatable disease) which causes my immune system to attack my thyroid. After having a baby my immune system goes a bit haywire. Thus, the disease is difficult to regulate until my hormones slow down. Many of the symptoms I was experiencing I was attributing to my thyroid because exhaustion has always been one of my primary thyroid symptoms. So, you can imagine my surprise when my endocrinologist told me that not only was my thyroid hormone within normal limits, it was picture perfect.

I simply started crying. My doctor is a much older man. I assumed he would dislike the tears like most men of his generation. Thankfully I was wrong. He started asking me about my life. He asked me if I should make some major changes for my own well-being. He also suggested a very low dose of an antidepressant. I agreed because I could not imagine feeling this way any more. I had been working out religiously for six months. I had been eating well. It had done nothing to help my energy levels. He advised me it may take about a month to notice a difference in the way I felt. Thankfully, he was wrong. I started feeling better within a week. The only side effect I experienced was dizziness for a day or so. Then it was better.

However, I do not think that just popping a pill each morning has been the only aspect of my recovery. I have continued exercising. I started blogging as a way to journal my thoughts. I taught myself how to sew and have given myself several fun projects. I have taken more time for myself, without guilt. I realize how much I need a break. I am a much better parent if I take good care of myself. My relationship with Sweet Pea has gone from contentious to peaceful. I have been able to give Husband some attention. While it is probably not as much as he would like, it is a significant improvement over last year. I also talked to Husband to truly explain how I was feeling during the difficult times. He had no idea how badly I felt. That is my fault. I did not tell him. I expected him to understand something I was trying hard to hide. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Once I communicated with him, he was shocked by the depth of my depression. Since then he has been nothing but supportive.

These days I feel healthy. I have energy. I am enjoying my children. I can laugh again. I don't cry at every perceived slight. I engage with people again. I have interests again, other than sleeping. In short, I am myself. Truly, I have not felt this good since college. I am grateful to my family and an insightful doctor. I am grateful I took the time I needed to heal.

Book Review Time!

2009-12-12T22:22:00.003-06:00

I am still behind in my reviews! Today I am reviewing Spinning Forward by Terri Dulong. The debut novel follows Sydney Webster on a journey to rediscover herself. At 52, Sydney finds herself alone and penniless after her husband's sudden and unexpected death. His large gambling debts, previously unknown to Sydney, have left her homeless. She is lost. She is confused. She is angry. A dear friend invites her to come and stay at her B&B in Cedar Key, FL to help Sydney regain her footing in her life. To relieve her stress, Sydney turns to spinning wool and knitting. This hobby helps her turn her life around and learn who she will be without her husband.

Overall it was a good, not great, light read. I found the twists, turns, and secrets that came to light somewhat predictable. If you are not one to sit and think about why information is included in a story, you may not see all the "surprises" coming. There is also a semi-spiritual component to this story that I found odd. I did enjoy the characters. While I think Sydney could have been developed better, I enjoyed the quirky secondary personalities.

Overall, I am glad I took the time to read this story. It was a well-paced and enjoyable read. The characters and their dialogue had me laughing on several occasions. If she writes another novel, I will probably read it too.

The Magic of Christmas

2009-12-11T07:42:00.002-06:00

When I was growing up, Christmas was my favorite time of year. I have always loved everything about this holiday: the food, the crazy family, the decorations, the holiday movies. I loved coming home and seeing the tree all lit up, the smell of cookies baking while holiday music played in the background. I loved decorating the fifty gazillion Christmas cookies Mom baked with White Christmas flickering on the television. Most days you could have taken a picture of our home and family and it would have looked like a Norman Rockwell painting.

Then I became the Mom. Suddenly choosing the traditions I wished to continue became much more important. Creating a new tradition or two was also a priority. Is a visit to Santa at the mall more important than decorating cookies? Is it imperative that the picture on the Christmas card be festive, or could it just be a cute picture from earlier in the year? Do I really want to make the cute calendar of the kids for all the family members each year? Do I want the Christmas letter to be a funny representation of our year or more of a play-by-play? With so many choices, it is easy to get overwhelmed.

As a kid I had no idea all that the picture perfect Christmas entailed. I had no idea that from Thanksgiving forward Christmas was an extra two hours of work each day. I didn't know there would be years I would not decorate at all (when Sweet Pea was almost 2 and I was pregnant with Panda Girl ) due to being out of town for the actual holiday. I had no idea we would be participating in a new and wonderful tradition involving an elf and a shelf (sadly, our elf has gone missing this morning - he is probably buried under the mound of junk on the floor somewhere, ahem). I had no idea that I would rather stand outside naked than take the girls Christmas shopping alone. I certainly didn't understand the extent of parents' exhaustion during these weeks leading up to the big day.

While this time of year can drive a mom nuts, I also have a better understanding of the magic of Christmas. I loved Panda Girl's first Christmas last year. Surprisingly she was very animated and interested while we opened gifts. She was charming and cute. I am loving Sweet Pea's adorable anticipation this year. Since this is her fourth Christmas, she knows the drill. She is beside herself with excitement. She is loving watching her cute holiday shows on TV. She has been loving Christmas carols, she was singing them in the shower the other day. It was so sweet. Thus, while I never truly appreciated the work that this holiday can bring, I also never understood the deep joy that comes from Christmas either. The little ladies have brought that to me in a way no one else ever could. Thus, this is still my favorite time of year. I just need to use lots of caffeine to stay awake and enjoy it.

Unexpected Lesson

2009-12-08T12:46:00.002-06:00

Husband and I took Sweet Pea to the Nutcracker last weekend. We are hoping to infuse a love of the arts in our little ladies. We visit museums regularly, but this was to be her first live performance. I was unsure how well she would behave. Sitting still is not her strong point. However, I was hopeful we would have fun.

We arrived at the theater a bit late, but still before the show started. Our seats were close to the stage as we were hoping a good seat would hold Sweet Pea's interest in the ballet. Once we were settled, I realized that we were surrounded by little girls all dressed in their holiday finery. They were all adorable. It was hard not to hug and kiss them all. As I was admiring the cute kiddos, my gaze happened across one particular child. She was tall, so I expect she was around 7 years old. I noticed her father carrying her everywhere. At first I thought that was a bit strange, until I looked closer. She was wearing a beautiful black and white long dress. She had on a matching white hat with a black bow. Then it struck me. She was wearing a hat inside. Her sweet father had a shaved head. She has cancer. I have no idea if she was too tired to walk or if her daddy just could not put her down. I believe it was the latter.

Can you imagine what that sweet family is facing? I think if one of my little ladies was struck with a life threatening illness, I would carry her everywhere too. I would want to hold her as much as possible. I would probably sleep with her. While I attended the ballet expecting Sweet Pea to have a cultural lesson, I was not expecting to be the one educated. Please remember to hold your children this Christmas. Hug them in a way that makes them push you away because it is too much hugging. Help them learn about the importance of giving to those who are sick and are in need. We are going to be doing our part, I hope you will too.

Book Review Time!

2009-12-03T12:59:00.003-06:00

I realize I have been remiss in reviewing my books lately. So, I start today with The Late Bloomer's Revolution by Amy Cohen. This memoir was a joy to read. There is sadness as well as lightheartedness throughout the book. It follows Amy's life from her late 20s well into her 30s. She brings us along on bad first dates. She lets us experience her heartbreak. We follow her career.

Amy is essentially trying to learn who she is and who she will become as her life ebbs and flows. Does she want to be married? Does she want a family? It is clear in the beginning of the story that she and her mother are close. However, her mother has been battling cancer of one form or another since Amy was young. As the story begins her mother is dying. Amy wonders who she will be without her mother. Her mother tries to impart as much wisdom as possible before she passes. Some of the advice causes Amy to pause as she is not sure she agrees with the sentiments imparted.

Some of the circumstances and opportunities that come her way are hilarious. I found myself laughing out loud on more than one occassion. There are moments in which you feel supreme pity for her. In those moments you feel the pain she is in and want to take it away for her. There are also a few times when you want to smack her and tell her to get over it. As someone who took a more traditional route in life, I could not really relate to the angst of her single girl world. However, the theme of loneliness is one all of us understand. As is the idea that we are all unfinished. Amy spends time exploring where she belongs and with whom. While I have found the people I intend to spend my life with, I too feel unsettled sometimes about my place outside of the four walls of my home.

Amy ultimately finds answers to her questions. While they may not be the answers she expected she finds satisfaction in them. I hope we can all find our unique place in this world. I am certain I am uniquely qualified for something. Since I have no idea what that something is, I am going to continue to wait and be still and allow the answers to come.

Ahh, Thanksgiving. Where to begin?

2009-12-01T15:52:00.002-06:00

Husband and I decided to pack up the little ladies and venture forth to Austin for Thanksgiving. Husband's Uncle D lives in a huge house on a horse ranch, thus he has plenty of room for Husband's large family. While the festivities were held at Uncle D's place, Aunt J (Uncle D's little sister) was the hostess. She lives in Colorado and was in Austin with her three teenage kids. We love Aunt J and Uncle S. Their three kids are remarkable. They love our little ladies. They are kind and hard working. Husband's parents and siblings, A and B, were in attendance as well. Beyond these family members, there were a bunch of strangers. We should have had name tags with information explaining how they were connected to this family. Everyone except Husband's parents and siblings stayed in the house. Uncle D's girlfriend was there too. As were her son, grandson and ex-daughter-in-law.

I understand this is quite a bit to follow, but it is a necessary introduction. OK, the day of Thanksgiving we loaded up the minivan and headed to Austin. We got there in plenty of time to eat and chat with everyone. When Panda Girl napped, Sweet Pea was allowed to skip the nap and go ride Cousin S's thoroughbred horse. She loved it. Later that evening Sweet Pea teased Uncle D over which team would win the UT/A&M game. They had lots of fun with their rivalry. During this whole time Uncle D's girlfriend, E was enjoying the vino. We would soon learn exactly how much.

In the meantime I am becoming a full-time referee. Uncle D has multiple dogs who are unaccustomed to kids. They are not typically even nice to other dogs, much less people. So I deemed them totally untrustworthy, especially around Panda Girl. Panda Girl is in that phase were being gentle is a nice concept, but rarely a reality. Uncle D and E had insisted they needed to come inside since it was getting cold outside. So, I got to keep the little ladies from being the newest news headline reading, "Thanksgiving Tragedy: Children Maimed while Visiting Uncle's Ranch".

Finally it was both game time and bedtime for the girls. They were quickly put in bed while the rest of us settled in to watch the game. What a game it was! While the Ags did run out of time, we gave them a run for their money. It was fun to watch. Sadly during this time E's drinking became evident when she planted a kiss on Husband's mom. It was not a gentle peck on the cheek, a full-fledged kiss on the lips. Clearly this was a first for MIL, and she was not thrilled about the experience.

After the game, Husband and I turned in for bed. I optimistically set an alarm for 5:30 to enjoy some Black Friday bargains. Little did I know how little shopping I would accomplish the following day. As we were settling in, some loud music started playing in the bedroom with which ours shared a wall. I was a little suspicious about what would be happening between E's son L and his ex-wife-turned-current-girlfriend A. Soon the mystery was solved. Yep, you are right. They had decided to reconcile. Then they reconciled some more. I'm not sure why they were playing music, as they were much louder than the aforementioned music. There was so much reconciling that Husband wondered later if they were making an adult film. It did last about two hours, I assume that is a typical adult film length (let me be clear, I have no firsthand knowledge of that in any way). We were grateful the little ladies were in a different room, several rooms away from the activities. Panda Girl also woke up in the night. Thus, when the alarm sounded bright and early, it was promptly turned off.

The next day was much less eventful. The girls rode horses. We visited Husband's grandmother in her nursing home. Then we headed home. As I said uneventful. Let's just say I am very thankful we won't be spending next Thanksgiving with E and her family. I don't think I could handle that again any time soon!

Finally, another book review!

2009-11-23T11:27:00.002-06:00

I have finished two books since I past wrote a review. Life has been so busy that it has definitely been infringing on the literature I love. So, today I am going to review A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. Overall, I enjoyed this classic novel. This coming-of-age novel was originally written as a memoir. However, the publisher decided it would sell better if it was fictionalized into a novel. I have a feeling that was a good decision. The story is set in Brooklyn, New York in the early 20th century. Francie is a second generation American with Irish and Austrian roots. Francie's father, Johnny, was Irish and "had a hankering after immortality which made him a useless dreamer." Francie's mother, Katie, was Austrian and "had a fierce desire for survival which made her a fighter." Much of the story results from Katie cleaning up Johnny's messes, including his alcoholism. Katie was constantly working and Johnny was constantly drinking.

Francie and her younger brother Neeley are often left to fend for themselves growing up. Francie's best friends were books. She endeavored to read a book a day. Francie's main desire was for school and learning. As Francie grows up she becomes more disillusioned with her life. She realizes the poverty that has marked her childhood. She becomes aware of her father's drinking problem. She witnesses first hand her mother's favoritism toward her brother. Her character unfolds beautifully as she is faced with very adult situations while still a child.

This story made me feel grateful. I have never gone hungry. I have never had to watch my children starve. I have always had access to good education. I was not forced to grow up way too fast. For all of these things, and of course much more, I am feeling thankful. Especially as we approach Thanksgiving on Thursday. I pray you can take some time to think about what makes you grateful too.

Phases

2009-11-20T16:11:00.003-06:00

Sweet Pea is starting, bit by bit, to leave the theatrical threes behind her. I can see the fabulous fours coming. Some days are a sneak peak into the child she will be in a few months. Those are wonderful days. She is sweet and polite. She is funny, although not always intentionally. She told me the other day that January 16th (her birthday) is far, far away. So she needed to get on an airplane to get there. So funny. Anyway, I digress. I have been trying to figure out what makes one day fabulous and then another back to theatrical. Often it has more to do with me than with her mood. Sure, if she is tired or hungry she is more difficult. However, the days when I can engage her in helping or playing are typically golden days. When I have the time and energy to ask her to help me unload the dishwasher and ask her to fetch and carry for me she is excited and happy to help. The days when I find myself too tired to put one foot in front of the other, I often forget to engage that aspect of her personality. Then I have meltdowns and attention-seeking behavior on my hands. I get frustrated and then she gets hurt/mad and we are both in trouble.

Panda Girl, on the other hand, is leaving behind the compliant happy baby I have so loved. She is turning into a two year old. Some mornings are spent going from tantrum to tantrum. This child does has not gotten mad often, up to this point. However, when she is angry it is really bad. She screams until she is red in the face. She practically forgets to breathe (I sit there sometimes thinking, breathe baby - you can do it). She gets herself all worked up. It seems as Panda Girl is getting closer to two, this temper comes out more frequently. I have no idea what she will be like in six months or so, but I have fear. This could be a very long couple of years with her. Hopefully Sweet Pea has prepared me well for whatever Panda Girl has to bring. All I can say is, bring it on girlfriend. I (think) am ready for it!

Regardless of the phase, I love my little ladies. It is a joy to watch them learn and grow. Their personalities are so different from each other. While that does add extra challenges to raising them, it also makes for very rich experiences with them.

A Scene from the Gym

2009-11-17T11:07:00.001-06:00

Husband is out of town again this week. That means I get to decide the schedule the little ladies and I will adopt whilst he is away. I really wanted to go back to a yoga class I enjoyed a few weeks ago. However, it starts at 7, lasts an hour and I can't imagine keeping the little ladies out past 7:30 on a school night. So, I opted for the Pilates Mat class at 5:45. I realized the dent this could make in our dinner schedule, but we went anyway. I packed dinners for the girls to eat at childcare if they were hungry. Then I scampered off to my class.

The class was wonderfully torturous. It was complete with threats from the trainer to require horrible numbers of push-ups if you cheated on your bicycle crunches. By the end of class each participant was grunting, groaning and had learned new counting methods (1, 2, 10, 26, 39, 75, ...). Once it was done I proceeded, very gingerly, to get my girls.

It turns out they had only touched their Motts for Tots and the meal was as it had been when I dropped it off. The main reason the food was intact was the amount of fun that was had by both little ladies in the childcare room. The room was a shambles. Tiny chairs were overturned. Toys were strewn from one end of the room to the other. Panda Girl had even relinquished her cherished panda and had no idea where she had left it. I told them to head for the elevators.

Evidently my words were translated in little lady speak as "run as fast as possible and in opposite directions and let's see if Mama can catch us". Panda Girl ran one way. Sweet Pea ran the other. I can't run. My leg muscles were the exact consistency of jello. Luckily another little girl ran toward Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea ran towards me to get away from the "scary" five year old. Panda Girl ran past the elevators into the tennis pro shop. Where the staff behind the desk proceeded to encourage her by talking to her and calling her. She knew they were telling her that she is cute. So, she played to the crowd. Sweet Pea ran to the elevators since pushing the elevator buttons is her hobby.

After another few minutes of chaos, I wrangled Panda Girl and dragged her to the elevators. Once inside our very own elevator there was the typical fight over pressing the buttons. Sweet Pea beat Panda Girl to it, so to retaliate Panda Girl hit the alarm button. Soon a voice, that can only be described as what I would imagine the voice of God to sound like, came over a speaker asking us the nature of our emergency. I quickly explained the situation. Thankfully the big voice laughed.

We did eventually get home. While it was an ordeal, all I could do was laugh. Then I laughed some more. Then I cried because my tummy muscles were so sore.

A Tale of Two Illnesses

2009-11-16T11:46:00.003-06:00

There was a time not too long ago when all I wanted was to stay in bed. All day. I spent my whole day planning on when I could crawl back into bed. Clearly this was a problem. I just hadn't realized how miserable I was feeling. It had come on slowly and before I knew it I was in the grip of Depression. Depression made me happy when I caught some bug the kids brought home from school. I finally had a legitimate excuse to stay in bed all day.

Panda Girl was running a fever on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have no idea what bug she had picked up. Her only symptoms were fatigue and fever. Thus, as illnesses go, this one was not so bad. Sweet Pea loves attention and since I was holding Panda Girl constantly, Sweet Pea was beside herself. She may as well have been jumping up and down screaming "LOOK AT ME!" all day. Then she started telling me that she, like Panda Girl, was sick. This is a classic Sweet Pea attention tactic. I firmly told her she was fine. She persisted. I put her in time out. Twice. She came over one more time to repeat her sickness mantra. As I was about to send her back to time out, it happened. Everything she had eaten all day (which was thankfully little) came back out. Fantastic, I had two sick kids and an out of town husband. Clearly this is every mother's dream. After another episode I started her on the Zofran the pediatrician had prescribed in February when she had the same kind of bug. It worked like magic. She was not sick again and the next day she mostly felt as good as new. She even asked to go to school (she loves school, but I told her she had to stay home that day).

Husband had been sweet and come home from his trip early. So I felt as if we had a bit of a safety net. Friday I had plans to shop with Mom and Sister. My Dad was going to watch the girls. It was a perfect plan. I was really excited. So, what happened? I got violently ill Thursday night. I stayed ill all day Friday. I missed the shopping trip. Husband had to stay home from work to care for the little ladies. At the end of her afternoon nap, Panda Girl woke up sick. We quickly gave her some of the Zofran and she was feeling fine within an hour or so. I, on the other hand, had no spare nausea meds laying around, so I suffered through.

I was so upset I had to stay home and stay in bed. Then I realized something. I must be feeling much better emotionally. I wanted out of bed. I hated being in bed. While I would have rather had something less disgusting to help me have my revelation, it was nice to experience it. Today I am more appreciative of my physical and emotional health. Thankfully by Sunday I was as good as new and I was able to go on my fun shopping trip, even if I went alone. It was great to be up and out of bed.

The Love of My Sweet Dog

2009-11-12T16:40:00.003-06:00

We have two cocker spaniels named Ally and Sophie. Ally was my first "baby". She will be ten next month. I can't believe I have had her for almost ten years. When I graduated from Texas A&M in December of 1999, I did not know what to expect from the Real World. I had a job lined up at a major oil company in Houston doing accounting work.

I think my expectation was along the lines of college yet with people of all ages. I expected people to be motivated. I expected people to be helpful. I expected to make friends easily, as I had at A&M. In reality I entered a very difficult environment. There had just been a merger of two big companies. The workers from the taken-over company were unhappy and nervous. Their office location changed dramatically. The required attire changed dramatically. They suddenly had to pay for parking. There were new rules and a new culture to learn. In short, they were in the same situation as me. However, they had very different expectations and life experiences. Instead of being welcomed into a cohesive work group I was thrust into chaos. I didn't even get paid for a month. My original assignment changed after a week. Then I only had a week to learn the new job before my predecessor left the company. Thus, anxious excitement turned to plain anxiety.

I needed a release. I needed a friend in town. My college friends had all gone back to live at home, in the suburbs. I was the only one in town doing the single adult thing. Husband, who was Boyfriend at the time, was still in college. He was not going to graduate for over a year. I was lonely.

So, I got a puppy. I consulted no one. I made a decision. I wanted a friend. Ally became my friend. She and I would go on excursions together. She was thrilled to see me. While at work I would turn on the TV for her so she would not get lonely. She became an avid animal planet watcher (she still loves TV). This sweet dog has seen me through all of my adult life changes. She knows when I am upset and tries to cheer me up. She knows when I can't be cheered up and gets out of the way. She is good to the little ladies. She is lazy and laid back. In short, she is the perfect dog for me. I think I will give her some apple tonight for all her hard work. She'll love it.

Open Door, Messy Floor

2009-11-09T11:20:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I plan to stay home while the girls are at school and get some things done. My house looks like it has been hit by a tornado. I have a couple of gifts I need to get made by Wednesday. I have some overalls I need to get decorated for the little ladies. I'm supposed to take dessert to an event tonight. Anyway, I know my to do list is not interesting for anyone, so thanks for humoring me. Having this much to do makes me feel a bit out of control. Writing it down gives me a little peace.

Let's face it, we do not really have control over what happens in our domains. We can choose to dust, vacuum, do the dishes, etc. We don't get to choose when a baby has allergies and is teething. We don't get to choose when a hurricane hits the gulf and suddenly changes all of Husband's plans for the week. None of these things are important in the grand scheme of life. I will not remember this week several years from now. I will, however, remember the feeling of this season of life. So, instead of feeling overwhelmed, I am choosing to take a deep breath and smile inwardly at the forces that have caused this chaos. The gifts I am making are for new babies. Is there anything sweeter than a new baby? I doubt it. The hurricane forming in the gulf will probably keep Husband home for at least part of this week, and I like Husband. He is really nice to have around.

As I slowly learn to put down my self-imposed pursuit of perfection, I am also learning to appreciate how the best things in life create big messes. Thus, the messes can't be all bad. They are the result of us putting time with our family ahead of the clutter on the floor. While some order is necessary, we are not the military. Thus I am learning to enjoy the flexibility and the ability to say we have an open door, messy floor policy here. So, please stop by and add to the mess. I can honestly say I welcome it.

My Day

2009-11-07T10:01:00.005-06:00

Today is my birthday. When I was growing up, today was a day to be pampered and spoiled. My mom was great at the spoiling. She even spoiled me this morning. She and Dad watched the kids last night so Husband and I could go to a fantastic event at the zoo. Then she got up Panda Girl up for us this morning. She made us breakfast.

Why am I using the plural pronoun? Today is also Husband's birthday. I never wanted to share my birthday. With anyone. While it might not sound like a big deal to share this coveted day, it has always bugged me a bit. I can't dictate the day. We are two years apart, sadly I am older, so some years I don't really get much of a day. Last year Husband turned 30 and my 32nd birthday got lost in the shuffle. I didn't mind. He deserved the fantastic surprise party planned for him. It was a great time. However, I did not get my day.

So this year I am going to be a little bratty. I plan to assert my desires more than I have in the past. Also, I plan to eat several days worth of calories in one day.

Tag, You're It

2009-11-05T20:09:00.002-06:00

Have I really not blogged since Monday? How is that possible? I knew this had been a crazy week, but sheesh. I will try hard to blog tomorrow.

Anyway, I was tagged by my sweet friend Rachel to blog about my current top five obsessions. Here they are, in no particular order. When I'm done I plan to tag five of you to continue the chain.

1. Yoga. I got totally burned out on the Jillian Michaels DVDs. I always felt so exhausted after I was done. That was not conducive to taking care of little ladies. Then I found yoga. It works my muscles. I always find myself sweating five to ten minutes into a practice. I am usually a bit sore the next day. However, it is not the oh-my-how-am-I-to-walk kind of sore. I find it relaxing.

2. Sleep. I am always into sleep. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. It no longer has anything to do with how I feel (Amen), it is just my normal ugh, why is it already morning funk. That leads to my next obsession.

3. Coffee. I love coffee. I have had to switch to half caff because I refuse to drink less in the morning and all the caffeine was giving me the shakes. Major shakes.

4. Giraffe Feeding. What? Husband, the little ladies and I get to feed the giraffes at the Houston Zoo the week of Thanksgiving. I am beside myself with excitement.

5. Pumpkin. Anything pumpkin flavored. I love pumpkin. It makes me sad it is only available at this time of year. So, I fill up as much as I can (including pumpkin pie ice cream today).

Hmmm... Who to tag?

1. Amy U. Mom to Mole and BQ
2. Valerie H. Mom to sweet twin toddlers
3. Michelle H. The fabulous career woman turned SAHM turned career woman turned SAHM...
4. Allison J. Mom to sweet E and expecting baby C
5. Rebecca C. Mom to two busy girls, L and A.

Book Review Time!

2009-11-02T11:40:00.002-06:00

I loved The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. Thus, when Her Fearful Symmetry came out, I had high expectations. She sets this novel in London, mostly Highgate Cemetery. This particular cemetery has the remains of many famous people, including Karl Marx. Elspeth Noblin dies of cancer at age 44 to start out the story. While you may expect that to be the end of Elspeth, it most certainly is not the demise of her soul. She leaves her estate to her nieces, twins Julia and Valentina. Thus begins a creative and original tale.

This story is certainly fantasy. If suspending disbelief is a concept you dislike, this is not the book for you. I found it easy to lose myself in this intriguing story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While it is certainly not believable, it made me think. It was well written and was full of wonderfully flawed, well-developed characters.

As the climax loomed, I could not put the book down. I had to know for sure what was going to happen next. I had an idea, as there is excellent foreshadowing and character development. However, I wasn't sure if there was going to be another twist or not. I won't tell you of the story's twists and turns. To find out those you will have to read it for yourself. I hope you will.

I probably liked The Time Traveler's Wife better than Her Fearful Symmetry. However, this is still a wonderful read that is worth the time and energy.

Moments

2009-10-30T09:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Sweet Pea's Halloween parade and party at preschool. She dressed as a horse and rider. She had a great time. She was thrilled that I was able to come to her party. I had fun enjoying time with her and not worrying about Panda Girl, who was at mother's day out. At one point during the party she turned to me and said, "I love you Mommy". Then she hugged me. It was one of those moments. I still feel my little heart overflowing this morning just thinking about it.

Before we had kids these were the moments I looked forward to experiencing. The times when your heart is so full you are sure it is going to burst. I am thankful for each one I have had with these little ladies. Before I was a mom I had the delusion that these moments would be frequent. I didn't realize they would be so much work to achieve. However, the work makes the moments more special. I know I would take them for granted if I had not invested hours of time and energy in my little ladies.

As I struggled to drift off to sleep last night, I replayed this time with Sweet Pea as Panda Girl partied in her crib for over three hours. Hopefully I will have a good moment with her today because this mommy was not amused by the late night partying. I suppose it is just God's way of keeping us honest.

A Shot in the Arm

2009-10-28T21:14:00.002-05:00

Panda Girl had her 18 month old well-check today. She now weighs in at 23+ pounds and is 32 inches tall. She was declared in excellent health. I had brought along Sweet Pea to have her get her seasonal flu vaccine alongside her sister. I had been told the office did not have any H1N1 vaccine available. I had thought, oh well. I'll call again in a couple of weeks and see if some has arrived. Well, as we sat in that disease infested waiting room, there was a UPS delivery. I was too busy following Panda Girl around with hand sanitizer to think about what the office could be receiving.

After visiting with the doctor he asked if I wanted the little ladies to get the H1N1 vaccine. That UPS shipment had contained the vaccine. I told him to sign us up and off he went to get the nurse with the needles. They both got the injections and then lollipops (Panda Girl's first).

Sweet Pea was asking why we had to give them boo-boos to keep them healthy. The concept was totally lost on her. Husband and I started discussing that it is hard for a three year old to comprehend how pain can bring health. As I thought about it more I realized how often adults miss the same message.

We lament out difficult situations. We complain that life is hard. Why is it so hard to believe that this pain and difficulty are used to help us reach our purpose in life? Do we not understand that a life without hardship was never promised to us? These individual experiences make us unique. Thus, we each have something different and important to contribute to our world. While my contribution may be calming little ladies after painful vaccines right now, this phase will not last forever. It is but a season. What is my ultimate purpose? I have no idea. What I do know is that each day I am a little closer to fulfilling the role that is uniquely mine.

The Big D

2009-10-27T12:05:00.002-05:00

This morning was chaos. Panda Girl woke up early, so I had plenty of time to get organized. However, it was one of those mornings when the phone rings as you are herding two children and two dogs down the stairs. One of those mornings when you hear yourself growling, "How many times do I have to tell you to get in the car and sit in your seat?". It was one of those mornings when you somehow miss every green light. While I am never a truly calm person, I am a bundle of nerves today.

I have a younger sister. Have I ever mentioned her? Anyway, Sister has been struggling lately. She married the wrong person just over three years ago. The marriage officially started to unravel 18 months ago. By last New Year's Sister had kicked Party Man out of the house. It continued on as one would expect. They would reconcile. Party Man would be caught lying, again. He would be asked to vacate the premesis yet again. And so on and so forth.

Today is The Big D Day. It is Sister's divorce mediation. Party Man has made this process painful and difficult (I know, shocking). They are in the process of arguing over things like china, crystal, and cars as I write. I jump each time the phone rings, hoping to hear of a fair outcome. Although I wonder if there is such a thing in these situations.

My parents and I have been struggling with how to help her through this situation. None of us have been divorced. I am not accustomed to my little sister going through a situation I have never experienced. All I know to do is pray. I am praying this will just be a faint memory soon. I pray she will start to feel whole again once this is all over. In short I am praying for healing.

Distance

2009-10-26T11:00:00.003-05:00

This weekend we visited an amazing little farm, Dewberry Farm. It had plenty for the girls to enjoy. Sweet Pea could barely contain her excitement. She was running from the hay mountain, to the giant slide, then over to the fort. It was difficult to keep her close. She kept running off to the next activity. Panda Girl was not any better. She is just slower at this age, thus easy to keep in your sights.

Let's face it, physically losing your child is The Nightmare. I also fear losing them emotionally. Right now it is easy to stay connected. Panda Girl barely leaves my side. She is my little shadow. Sweet Pea's physical ties to me are already becoming looser. She does not miss me while at preschool. She happily runs into class without so much as a backward glance. However, it is easy to see how needed I am to her. When she is upset, she wants a hug. From me. I know the day will come when she will no longer want a hug from me. She will say that I have to tell her she is wonderful, just because I am her mom. She won't understand that she is a truly amazing person.

While chasing her around the farm is physically exhausting, creating the right emotional balance as she grows will be daunting. When the time comes that she is starting to place some emotional distance between us, I pray that we will find a healthy balance. She is supposed to grow up and become more independent. Independence is a great thing. However, I also know that we will always need the wise counsel of our parents. I pray she will turn to me when necessary. I would hate to lose her.

Cleopatra Selene

2009-10-22T18:41:00.003-05:00

I took Latin in high school. I thought it could help me have an illustrious legal career later in life. I was sure knowing basic Latin would help me with the legal terms I was certain to encounter. Life doesn't always turn out as you plan. So instead of a legal career, I have a "Mommy where are my shoes?" career.

During that class we learned a bit about ancient Rome. It makes sense to teach in the context of a Latin class. I don't remember learning about Cleopatra. While she was not Roman, she had an impact on ancient Rome. I knew she hooked up with both Julius Caesar and Marc Antony. What I did not know is that her union with Marc Antony created three children. The first two were twins. The son was named Alexander Helios (sun) and the daughter was named Cleopatra Selene (moon). The third was a boy named Ptolemy. When Octavian (later known as Caesar Augustus) captured Egypt, Cleopatra and Antony both, famously, committed suicide. I knew about their demise. I had not understood that they left behind three young kids. I can't imagine placing that burden on my children. Think of the therapy bills!

The book I just finished was: Cleopatra's Daughter: A Novel by Michelle Moran. The novel tells the story of Selene and her brother's through Selene's voice. This made for a fascinating novel. I learned about ancient Egypt. I had known Alexandria had been a cultural and intellectual center of the ancient world. It wasn't until this novel that I understood the disparity between Alexandria and Rome.

The book was paced well. It was interesting to read. The characters were well developed and interesting. The history came alive. It is heartbreaking and full of hope. There is definitely some fiction in the book to help the story. However, since the players lived over two thousand years ago, there is much of their lives that has been lost anyway. The author does separate the truth from the fiction in the prologue. She also tells how each of the main character's lives play out. I was grateful she took the extra time to complete each character's story. It helped create closure.

While I probably should have taken Spanish, I do live in Texas, I am glad for the history I did learn in high school Latin. It helps give me a great context for books like this. While that was not the intended usage, it is enough for me.

Anxiety

2009-10-19T14:22:00.004-05:00

Panda Girl has been experiencing separation anxiety. Her experience has been very different than Sweet Pea's. Sweet Pea would struggle from the time I left her until I picked her back up. Panda Girl has a harder time with the anticipation of being left. From what I have been told, she is perfectly happy once I am actually gone. However, during the times when she is sure we are going to leave her, she is a handful. She cries and clings and fusses. Often she misses out on fun things during these moments. She could be playing with her grandparents. She could be "reading" a book. She could be enjoying a happy mommy instead of a stressed out one.

I can't even count the number of times the anticipation of something bad happening was worse than the actual event. An example: My labor with Panda Girl. Labor with Sweet Pea was much more complicated than any of us had anticipated. She was "sunny-side up". Thus there was back labor and an effort to make her roll over. She did eventually roll. However, then she was in distress. Thankfully I was able to deliver her quickly, making the impending c-section unnecessary. Thus, when faced with Panda Girl's birth, I was terrified. Clearly Sweet Pea had been worth the trauma, but that did not mean her birth was something I wanted to relive. Panda Girl's entrance into the world was remarkably uneventful. Other than being large (with an inordinately huge head), there were no surprises. It was straightforward and easy (once the epidural took effect). In no way had it been worth all the worrying that had preceded it.

So often I fear the unknown. Or, I have enough knowledge to make me think I can anticipate an outcome. How often are my fears actually realized? Very rarely. So why do I get myself all worked up over nothing? I suppose Panda Girl is just like me. It is amazing how easy it is to see this personality quirk in her, but how difficult it is to see in myself. Here's hoping she can teach me how to let go and live in the current moment. I don't want to miss the good stuff right before my eyes while anticipating something that will probably never come to fruition.

Review!!

2009-10-15T22:37:00.003-05:00

I recently finished The Bright Side of Disaster by Katherine Center. This was Center's debut novel. The plot was not particularly original. In many ways the story is as old as time: Boy meets Girl. Boy moves in with Girl. Boy proposes to Girl. Girl gets pregnant. Boy leaves Girl. We have all read this story, seen this movie, had this friend.

However, what makes this novel worth reading is the characters. Jenny, the protagonist, is wonderfully written. Her emotions are real. She has a big heart. You root for her, even when she makes stupid mistakes. We see the mistakes from a mile away. She, however, does not. I found her endearing.

While I liked Center's second novel better, this one is worth reading. It is light. It is quick. It would make a wonderful beach book.

Father Damien

2009-10-14T08:10:00.002-05:00

Father Damien of Molokai was canonized this week by Pope Benedict XVI. Father Damien lived, worked and died among the lepers of Molokai. When the citizens of Hawaii were afflicted with Hansen's Disease (leprosy) in the 19th century, all victims of the disease were sent to an exile colony on Molokai. They were not given proper homes, medical care or sufficient food. The colony slipped into chaos.

Father Damien came to Molokai to put the colony back together. He understood the risks to his own health, as very little was understood about how the disease was transmitted. He built homes and a church, dressed wounds, farmed the land and created a sense of community. His treatment of the sick has made him an example of how people should treat those with modern diseases, such as HIV/AIDS.

Hansen's Disease is caused by bacteria. It causes nerve damage, lesions and, ultimately, death. It is painful and disfiguring. It is estimated that as many as 95% of people have natural immunity to Hansen's Disease. However, many Hawaiians were in the 5% minority due to the geographic isolation of the islands. This natural immunity is why many missionaries were able to live and work among the sufferers without contracting the disease. Thankfully, modern medicine can now cure Hansen's Disease with a cocktail of antibiotics.

This was not the first I had heard of Father Damien. There is a wonderful novel, Molokai, by Alan Brennert. It follows the human side of those in the colony. It tells of the tragedy of children being ripped from their homes and families because of this misunderstood disease. This is a well-written novel that truly tugs at your heart. The novel picks up after Father Damien's death, but he is mentioned often throughout the novel. I hope you will take the time to read this important story. I learned much about a bit of history I had been unaware existed.

Yeah! I Did It!

2009-10-09T11:47:00.002-05:00

I did it. I found a babysitter. After procrastinating for months, I have found a woman who I feel confident can take good care of our little ladies. It is time for Husband and I to start acting like a married couple (rather than just parents) again.

Our trip to New Orleans was great. We laughed together. We remembered why we liked each other in the first place. I want to continue this trend. Husband would rather continue to rely on family to watch the kids. We will still ask them for help from time to time. I like the idea of having a very capable young woman come and take care of them. I don't feel guilty asking a babysitter to come. I'm paying her. She is getting something tangible in return for her work. I am not inconveniencing her.

I truly hope this will bring us closer. We have always had a strong marriage. I just want to ensure it stays strong. With little ladies it requires more forethought. This is the start of that effort. I hope it goes well.

Sitting in Judgement

2009-10-07T20:18:00.004-05:00

I am lucky enough to live in Houston, where Beth Moore has her weekly Bible study. The topic of our current study is Revelation. We are attempting to get through the Book of Revelation in 11 weeks. Clearly, we are not going to be able to study the whole book in-depth. Revelation is a book that has always intimidated me. My perfunctory knowledge includes the fact that judgement is one of the themes of the book. However, the book has always held mystery to me.

It is not always easy to make friends with other moms. I click with some immediately. I just know we will get along (I usually realize later that these women have many of the same traits my husband possesses). Others, make me leery. I know many moms are very judgemental. Some like to engage in the "mommy wars". I am not sure what the allure is to propagating these battles. They are not productive. They are unkind. It is not always clear which mom is going to be the "judgy" one. It is enough to make this mama nervous.

All I can figure out is this judgement comes from a place of insecurity. Since many of us are very insecure, it is much easier to rush to judgement than admit to this dirty little secret. I think this is especially true of first time moms. It is even more true of first time moms who happen to give birth to their "easy" child first. They tend to think all kids are like their little angel. They have no idea what it is to have a, shall we say, spirited child.

Thus, I guess I do have a good understanding of one theme of Revelation. It's the others that are such a mystery.

Imposter

2009-10-06T13:38:00.002-05:00

It's official. I am officially one of "those" moms. I am the mom who is taking the easy way out. I am dodging the proverbial bullet. I don't feel one bit guilty.

Each year my parents do something special with each little lady on her half birthday. When Sweet Pea turned two and a half, she was obsessed with fish. So, her grandparents took her to get her very own beta. We found him a nice spot on the kitchen counter that was devoid of direct sunlight and drafts. The little ladies could not reach him without assistance. He was blue and surprisingly interactive. He liked to "dance" whenever we approached his bowl. I even found myself talking to him from time to time. He was a very good listener.

A couple weeks ago we noticed Mr. Fish was not looking very good. We changed his water and looked up fish ailments on the internet. Alas, it was not enough. I came downstairs one morning to see Mr. Fish at the bottom of his bowl, devoid of life. I do not handle dead fish. It is not my thing. So, once Husband was home, Mr. Fish was properly disposed of, or so I am told. As I said, it's not my thing. I prayed the little ladies would not notice. I was not interested in explaining death due to a very small, although loved, fish.

This morning Sweet Pea asked where Mr. Fish was hiding. I simply replied that he was sleeping. Thankfully, she accepted my explanation and was quickly on to the next thing. However, I realized I had a problem on my hands. I needed an explanation. I needed to be loving and sweetly explain that Mr. Fish went to fish heaven to be with God. I needed to find a replacement. Today. This morning after taking Panda Girl and Sweet Pea to school, I headed to the pet store. There, in all his glory was Mr. Fish's long lost twin.

Thus, I am that parent today. I am not feeling equal to the task of explaining death to my three year old. I am cheating. Do you think she will notice? Let's hope she won't, because I am a huge coward.

Inspirational

2009-10-05T15:37:00.002-05:00

My book club chose Same Kind of Different as Me for our current selection. If you are looking for an inspirational read, I highly suggest this memoir. It tells the story of two very different men's lives. These two men have polar opposite situations in life. They are brought together by one incredible woman. The story is told in two distinct voices. Denver's is told in his dialect. Ron's has a more proper voice. I enjoyed the two styles, but I don't mind dialects.

Denver is a black man living on the streets of Ft. Worth, Texas. He was never given much of a chance for a "normal" life. Born into a sharecropping family, Denver never attended school. Never. The "Man", who owned the land Denver and his family farmed, purposely kept his workers uneducated. Denver and his family was completely illiterate. Thus, they had no way of knowing how much cotton they had produced or how much it was worth. All of their belongings were purchased on credit from the "Man". He kept the books. Thus, they were basically modern-day slaves.

Ron is a wealthy international art dealer in Ft. Worth. Luck brought him his career and much of his success. He attended Texas Christian University. He married a wonderful woman and had two great kids. He took everything he had for granted. Everything. He became complacent and judgemental.

Ron's wife Debbie brings these two men together. They never expected to become friends. However, life brought them together in an unbreakable way. The story is interesting and full of contrast. I laughed and I cried. Sometimes I loved each character and sometimes I loathed each character. They are so true and real. In the end the story was irresistable.

Leaving on a jet plane

2009-10-02T19:43:00.003-05:00

Husband's job takes him away from us on a regular basis. The destinations are never glamorous. He typically goes to either the New Orleans area or to College Station, TX. He does have some flexibility. If there is something I need him to attend, he tries to work around the event. However, this is not the easiest schedule to manage. I rarely know very far in advance when he is leaving. Thus, I typically expect him to be gone. If he stays in town that week, it is a bonus.

One thing I know about kids is how much they crave a routine. It makes them feel secure. Panda Girl has been having separation anxiety on and off for months. It seems that just as we get it under control, he heads out of town, and the anxious behavior returns. The last few days have been better. Husband has been gone and Panda Girl has handled it well. So far. Tomorrow is going to turn her little world upside down.

Tomorrow Husband has to go back to New Orleans in order to attend a class on Sunday. Sadly for him, he has not seen Panda Girl since Tuesday. He saw Sweet Pea for ten minutes before bed on Wednesday, but that is all. He will be gone until Thursday night. I don't know how he goes that long without loving on our sweet babies. I am sure it is hard on him.

Since he knew this was going to be a long stretch for me, he was kind enough to ask me to accompany him. Thus, tomorrow we are leaving the little ladies with my parents and jetting off to New Orleans. I am very excited to go (I am coming home Monday at noon). This is only the second time we are leaving the girls overnight since Panda Girl was born, she is 17 months. I hope this will not be too much for my littlest lady to handle.

Thoughts on Memoirs

2009-10-01T20:10:00.001-05:00

I love a well written memoir. I find them fascinating. The book I am reading now is a memoir. It was chosen by our book club to be our next conquest. When ordering the book for my Kindle 2, I saw the reviews were stellar. The average rating was five stars. However, there were a few rogues who gave it only a single star. I was intrigued. How can a book with well over 300 five star reviews, have a handful of one star reviews. I had to read them. I just could not help myself.

After reading a few, I realized what was happening with these reviews. The reviewers did not dislike the book as much as dislike one of the authors in particular. This is a phenomenon I have seen in past memoir reviews I have read. When researching Down Came the Rain, I found people reviewing Brooke Shield's life choices, not the book. I was annoyed by the public's inability to read a book and at least be polite. I wanted to comment on their reviews and tell each one (where the person was judging the life and not the book) to knock it off.

It is amazing how much we love to pass judgment on other people. I am no different. It is much more fun to gossip about others and judge their decisions. We are in the cheap seats and pulling punches is fun. How much better would it be for us to stop judging and start listening? How many of us ridicule out of insecurity? Isn't it easier to look at the speck in another person's eye without examining the log in our own? I know it for me. This has always been a weakness of mine. However, with two little pairs of ears listening to every word that comes out of my mouth (unless of course those words involve cleaning up toys, eating veggies, or bedtime, ahem), I am learning that I need to edit my comments. Something that is funny coming from a thirty something is not so amusing when repeated (several times) by a three year old. Hearing her innocent voice repeat my snarky remarks reinforces how tacky those snide comments sound. The next time I start to chastise someone else's choices, I hope I will take pause. I hope I will reassess the situation and shut the hell up.

Book Review Time!

2009-09-28T15:31:00.002-05:00

My most recent conquest was The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. While this is an expected choice for me, it is historical fiction - my favorite genre, the way the story is told is unique. Death is the narrator. Yes, Death. This seems to be an odd choice until you know the story is set in Nazi Germany during World War II. Suddenly the choice of narrator goes from strange to intriguing.

Death tells the story of a young girl named Liesel Memminger. The story opens with Liesel and her brother being sent to live with foster parents (we never find out why) in Munich. On the train her brother dies and Liesel has to go live with strangers all alone. It turns out she does not end up in Munich proper, but in Molching. Molching is a poorer area and the Hubermanns live in the poor area of town. Hans and Rosa Hubermann are her foster parents. Rosa is described as being a wardrobe of a woman while Hans is described as having silver eyes. The evolution of the relationship between the Hubermanns and Liesel is heartwarming. I truly felt connected with every character in this story.

Zusak assumes we all have a basic understanding of World War II. He really does not delve into the military aspects of the conflict. He focuses on the lives that could have been lived at that time. His characters unfold beautifully while he advances the plot steadily. He explores the harships of rationing. The wrath of the Nazi leadership. The terror of air raids. Zusak is able to maintain suspense while revealing elements of the story at unexpected times. He also tackles an unconventional topic: words. The importance of words in our modern world. The way words can be used both positively and negatively. The prose in the novel is beautiful. The images Zusak created are vivid and real. He uses contrast to drive home his points. It is an incredibly well written book.

I truly enjoyed The Book Thief. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for something different to read. I hope this review comes close to doing the work justice. However I feel I have not. Hopefully you will read it and find out for yourself.

Elephants

2009-09-26T16:52:00.004-05:00

This morning was fascinating. Our zoo had an Elephant Open House. They provided kolaches, coffee and juice for the humans to munch on for breakfast. The morning got started with the elephants showing off their tricks. The tricks ranged from trumpeting to headstands. Evidently an elephant will do anything for an apple. One of the elephants even painted a picture. Next, the elephant barn was opened so we could explore their house. It was so cool. They like to play with toys just like kids. I was amazed at how many of their toys were the same ones that currently litter my family room's floor. Once the elephants had finished their breakfast, it was bath time. Anyone who was interested was invited to grab a brush and scrub down one of the animals. I was amazed at how tough their skin feels. I had to really scrub to get in between some of her huge skin folds. Finally, there was a public weigh in, of Methai anyway. She weighed over eight thousand pounds. We all had so much fun. It was amazing to be so close to such magnificent creatures.

Each of these tasks are performed daily by the elephant keepers. They feed, bathe and exercise the elephants daily. They also clean up the stalls and the yard. Weekly the keepers draw each animal's blood. They also have weekly weigh-ins, blood pressure and pulse readings. The elephants receive better health care than most Americans.

As much care as these animals receive, their population is dwindling. For unknown reasons, fewer elephants are being born into captivity, despite rigorous attempts. Once they are born, a full 70% are dying of the elephant herpes virus. Sadly, the story in the wild is much the same. Thankfully, there were great strides in research this summer to help understand the virus.

Can you imagine a world without elephants? I would be devastated if my grandchildren didn't get the opportunity to enjoy these magnificent creatures. I hope you can help support your local zoo. Go see the animals, have a meal, and buy a souvenir. All those things will help put money in the pockets of people who know how to help.

I know this is an unusual topic for me. I just couldn't help myself. I think elephants are one of God's most amazing creations. Thanks for indulging me.

Healing

2009-09-25T23:15:00.005-05:00

I had forgotten how the beginning of the school year is also beckons the first round of colds. As evidenced by the last 3.5 years, I love to get whatever virus afflicts my offspring. I am certain it is due to the close quarters of caring for a sick child. I had a morning show on this week where an expert suggested we, as parents, should wear gloves and, especially, masks while caring for our flu-ridden kiddo. Or, alternatively, the aforementioned child should wear the mask to protect the whole family. Clearly this "expert" does not have really small kids. Those kids also don't have sensory issues - Sweet Pea would totally lose it if I tried to place a mask on her while she was feeling under the weather. I can't even imagine the fight Panda Girl would put up. I'd probably get a black eye from all the thrashing.

We seem to have survived this week of colds. Three of the four of us ended up sick (Sweet Pea appears to have been spared). Thankfully this was a mild virus. The main symptom for Husband and I was fatigue. Thankfully for me, I love coffee. So, in some ways the week was not so bad. I realized early on that if I skipped the coffee, I felt like I had just run three marathons followed by an impossible spin class. However, if I indulged and drank coffee every three to four hours all day, I felt mostly fine.

While not all physical illnesses are this easy to manage (please don't think I am in any way saying serious and life-threatening diseases are easy - those are not the physical illnesses to which I am referring, think colds and flu bugs), I am very aware of how much more work is needed in managing mental illnesses. It is not a matter of taking some meds, doing some therapy and then you are functioning well again in six to eight weeks. I have been fighting with depression for a year. I am not close to functioning well yet. Granted, I didn't seek real treatment until recently. I don't think I am an unusual case. Think about it, how many women run to a doctor for a lump in their breast, as they should, but refuse to seek out a mental health professional? Thus my point is that we need to take our emotional well-being seriously. How do we think we can properly care for our sweet children if we can barely get out of bed each morning? If we can't find joy in our lives each day? If we can't meet our kids where they are and appreciate them and the phase they are experiencing?

Thankfully we have all physically healed around here from our inaugural week of colds. Tomorrow we will have no problem getting up early. We are even thrilled with our plans. We are going to go have breakfast with the elephants at the zoo. I can't wait!

Independence

2009-09-22T14:38:00.002-05:00

Panda Girl is our independent child. She has always been short. Lately, she has grown enough to discover a whole new world: climbing. It started innocently enough with the couch. Instead of chasing her off, I made sure she knew the Rules of the Couch: no standing, no walking, get down on your tummy and go feet first. She quickly learned to (mostly) follow those rules. Thus, a new love of climbing was born. She has now mastered going down the stairs (much scarier than going up) and her step stool. The step stool still scares me, but she is getting better with it. I just worry that this new found independence will cause injury.

I was not an independent child. So, my parents diligently went about fixing that problem. Let's face it, a five year old who asks for help with a simple task is annoying. The problem with this "fixing" is that it was pushed a bit too hard (or, probably more accurately, I took this lesson way too far). Thus, I. HATE. ASKING. FOR. HELP.

As I have discussed before, this is not a good trait. So, I am trying to break the cycle. I am still learning how to balance my desire for my girls to be independent, while allowing them the freedom to ask for help. I don't want their desire to be independent to cause them to fall flat on their little faces too often. However, I don't want to hover too much. They need to learn to fall and pick themselves back up.

Mirror, mirror

2009-09-20T10:32:00.003-05:00

When I was pregnant for the first time, I remember looking in the mirror and at Husband and imagining how this baby would look. My expectation was that she would look just like me.

Sweet Pea is my oldest child. She taught me how to be a mom. She showed me how much a heart can grow to accommodate a child. She has taught me patience. She is everything I expected her to be, yet she is not the child I envisioned when I was pregnant. Sweet Pea has my eyes, that can't be disputed. Those eyes are her most remarkable feature. They seem to look through you. Those eyes are where the physical resemblance begins and ends. She looks so much like her daddy, it is crazy. However no one ever called her a boy, even as a baby.

I also imagined this little girl would have her daddy's personality. He is brilliant, kind, amiable, patient and thoughtful. These are the traits I wanted my child to possess. So what happened? She is just like me. She has no patience. She craves attention all the time. She is a perfectionist. She frustrates really easily. She is bossy. These are my traits which I like the least. So, of course they are the ones Sweet Pea inherited.

One would think since I understand her so well that I would be patient with these flaws. However, I find myself getting irritated. Not so much at her, but at myself (well, sometimes at her too). It is not fun to see your worst traits on display in your beautiful little girl. Don't get me wrong, she is sweet and sympathetic and curious. These are all wonderful gifts that far outweigh the flaws. Thus, I suppose I did get a mini version of myself, just not in the way I expected.

Thankfully I would not change her a bit. I just have to learn to love the flaws in her. And I do. The unexpected part is that she is teaching me to love my own flaws too. This is a lesson I never expected but appreciate deeply. I suppose that is why she is like me. God knew he had to teach me to fully embrace myself. He also knew the best way to do that was through my sweet child.

Hidden in Darkness

2009-09-16T22:00:00.001-05:00

The little ladies love to play hide and go seek. The hiding places are rarely unique, but it is fun nonetheless. One of their favorite places to hide is in our back stairwell. If the light is kept off, you would not think there are stairs behind the cabinet that doubles as a door. The darkness is the key to this particular hiding place.

I went back to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) today at church. Once again, I was glad I went and had a great time. We didn't have a speaker today. Today we spent the day getting to know the other women in the organization. We moved around to different tables and talked to ladies who are not in our assigned small groups.

As one can expect, some groups were great and others were not so great. During the last rotation we were to open up to the other women. The idea was to share something going on in our lives. Something to the other women could lift up in prayer. I was instantly nervous when I quickly realized that most women in my current group were not comfortable sharing anything personal. The first prayer request was for a father to become a Christian. While that is a lovely prayer request, it did not seem to fit the parameters of the exercise. I mean seriously people! Those of us who are Christians all have people in our lives who are not. In the grand scheme of things I understand this is an important issue. However, in this setting it did not seem appropriate since her aforementioned father doesn't even live in the same state. It hardly qualified as a personal issue. It seemed like she was giving us the answer she thought we would want to hear at church. Inwardly, I hoped the next woman would be more up front with us. She was a little better. At least her request involved someone who lived under her same roof. Her husband is unhappy at work. While it is not fun to live with someone who is struggling at work, I was disappointed that once again it was not that personal a request.

I was up next. I took a deep breath and thought, why wasn't this asked in that third discussion group? Those women were easier to talk to and seemed invested in the exercise. However, few things in life are that easy. While I lamented my situation, I realized that I was at a crossroads. I could take the easy road and ask for patience with my family or I could be honest and open up about my current struggle. Would these women, who seemed bent on putting a very polished face forward, judge me? If they did judge me, what was the worst that would come of said judgement? Is one of these women struggling with this same issue and just too ashamed to open up? If so, would my honesty be helpful? I am proud to say I decided on full, although brief, disclosure. I didn't feel the need to go into gory details, but I didn't sugar-coat my life either.

While the next two ladies did not really open up much, I felt respected. (One of those ladies asked us to pray that she could get her three year old back on track memorizing scripture. Once again, a nice idea but not something I bought as a "struggle".) One of the women later told me she thought I was brave. While I am not looking for praise, I did appreciate it. I felt somewhat validated. Who knows, maybe she is struggling too. Maybe she is not ready to come forward publicly with a private battle. I only hope that by putting myself "out there" that I can shed some light on a common problem that has been hidden in darkness for far too long. Let's face it, it is not for someone else to come find us and pull us out of our dark hiding places. We need to come out into the light by ourselves.

New Book Choice

2009-09-16T07:49:00.002-05:00

I started looking for a new book to read before I finished The White Queen. I was ready to move on to something totally different. Well, I do believe I accomplished that mission. I am currently reading The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. This book has a unique narrator, Death. The book is set in Nazi Germany, thus the narrator actually seems appropriate. I was intrigued by the concept of this book and I could not pass it up. I am about a third of the way through and I have enjoyed it thus far. I won't go into details yet, but I'm hoping to have it finished by this weekend. Stay tuned for the review!

Book Review Time!

2009-09-14T18:48:00.004-05:00

I have been remiss with writing this past week. It isn't because I have nothing to say. Those who know me well understand that it is a rare situation when I am speechless. I have been procrastinating writing a review of The White Queen by Philippa Gregory. One of my favorite books is Ms. Gregory's The Other Boleyn Girl (the movie did not do it justice). Thus, I was excited to read her newest novel. However, I was disappointed. Sigh.

The White Queen is a novel that takes place in 15th century England during the war of the roses. The primary character is Elizabeth Woodville. She is a widow with two sons when she meets the King of England. Elizabeth, whose family has always been loyal to the House of Lancaster, marries King Edward IV of the House of York. In the novel, they marry for love and have many children together. These were not easy times in England. Edward had to constantly fight for his crown. Thus, it was a time of untrusted allies, war and murder. The action should have the makings of a great novel. The historical aspects are indeed interesting. However, the novel lacks heart.

Philippa Gregory's other works were made great by the depth of the historical figures she brought to life on the page. I was expecting the characters to jump off the page and come to life before my eyes. I'm not totally sure why that did not happen with this novel. It may be that the project was too ambitious. I don't know that Ms. Gregory could aptly portray a deep character whilst keeping up with all the history contained in the book. I did not find myself either pulling for or despising Elizabeth. Thus, I was disappointed. I wanted to want to read each day. I wanted to care deeply for an interesting and flawed woman. I just never got there with this novel.

This book is supposed to be the first in a series of three novels about the war of the roses. I will probably read the next two. I just hope I enjoy them more than I liked this one.

Perfectly Imperfect

2009-09-12T21:55:00.000-05:00

I am someone who is highly critical of myself. I expect superhuman efforts and results. I often think of needing sleep as a weakness. I like to think that I am above normal human needs. Clearly, this has caused me some issues. I'm not sure why my expectations are so crazy. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I suppose it is just my personality coupled with being an oldest child.

I have always been a perfectionist. In many ways this has been an asset. It propelled me to get good grades. I was good at my job in the corporate world because I would not accept results that were sub par. However, in more ways it has been a detriment. I have not tried new things for fear of failure. It has been very hard on my self esteem. Let's face it. I'm human. If I expect perfection, I am going to be - and have been - disappointed constantly.

I spent a large portion of this week on a sewing project. I wanted to learn how to sew and I made a quilt for Sweet Pea. She helped me choose the fabric and each day she would ask me if I was finished yet. Last night after the little ladies were tucked into bed I finally finished. Sweet Pea was thrilled when she got up this morning and it was waiting for her. As I write she is snuggled up under the quilt watching Sesame Street. She must really love that quilt because it is 82 degrees in here.

While I am really happy with how much Sweet Pea loves her new blanket, to me it is riddled with imperfections. The quilt would not win any awards. It was clearly a first attempt. Regardless, Sweet Pea loves it. So I am choosing to see the beauty in my creation. I like that I had a goal. I like that I had to use my brain to solve the problems that cropped up along the way. I like that it was a creative project. Thus, I am choosing to see the beauty in it, especially in the flaws.

Another Book Review...

2009-09-07T20:02:00.001-05:00

I have recently confided my diagnosis of postpartum depression. It has been a battle, but I am thankful to feel as if I am winning the war. To learn how someone else coped with this disease I read Down Came the Rain My Journey Through Postpartum Depression by Brooke Shields. I chose her book because I appreciated how she had been so publicly candid about her struggle.

The book's early chapters outline Brooke's struggle with infertility. Evidently fertility treatments can make some women more susceptible to postpartum depression. She also explains both the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage. It seems once she conceives her daughter Rowan the pregnancy is uneventful. She feels well and strong. She takes good care of herself. In short, she did everything right.

The month leading up to delivery she experiences a highly personal loss. The delivery also does not go well. She has major complications. As a celebrity she also has privacy issues in the hospital. Once she finally gets home, everything starts to fall apart. The rest of the book chronicles her realization that she needs help and what she does to cope with the disease. At the end she summarizes the decisions she made which were helpful and those which were detrimental to her recovery.

Overall I enjoyed her memoir. It was an easy read and was relatively well written. She was encouraging and honest. I truly appreciate her coming forward to help erase any stigma associated with this disease.

While reading, it was comforting to know someone else had been in a similar situation and had come out the other side healthy and strong. In some ways her depression was more obvious to those around her since its onset was immediately after delivery. Postpartum depression can come on any time in the first year after the baby's birth. Mine didn't hit until three to four months postpartum. Mine was also more gradual. One day was hard. Then the next was not bad. Then the next couple of days were tough. Pretty soon all the days were tough and I did not even see how unhappy I had become. After about four months I reached a breaking point and knew something was off. I couldn't really put my finger on the problem, but I knew something had to change.

So, I started exercising. Usually this is a good idea for women struggling with depression. Sadly, it didn't really help in my case. This is mostly because the exercise caused me to lose my milk supply. The reduction in my milk supply caused my breastfed baby to wake more frequently in the night. Poor Panda Girl was hungry. At this point she was eight months old and had never tasted formula. I tried to feed her some to supplement and she hated it. I started to eat more to make up for the calories I was burning working out. Instead of increasing my dwindling milk supply, the eating caused me to gain weight. In the meantime I am sure my hormones were probably all over the place. I also have thyroid disease and I am sure it played a role in my struggle. At this time Sweet Pea, my very stubborn child, was refusing to potty train. So there I was with two kids in diapers, up several times a night and I had no real break to take care of myself on a regular basis. I was exhausted. I was uninterested. I was mad as a hornet at my situation.

I was able to wean Panda Girl when she was eleven months. Thankfully she loves whole milk. The first night she had a bottle of whole milk she slept through the night and never looked back. That same week Sweet Pea finally consented to being potty trained. At that point we were headed in the right direction. I was sure I would start to feel better soon. I started exercising more, hoping that would hasten my recovery. Nothing seemed to work. I still longed to crawl into bed all day, every day.

Once I realized how tired I really was, I was certain my problem had its root in my thyroid issues. One of the biggest symptoms of Hashimoto's Disease is fatigue. My endocrinologist's appointment was just a couple of months away, I decided to just solider on until then. That was a decision I would live to regret. My appointment finally arrived the first week of August. I had dutifully had all my blood work done prior to the day I was seeing my doctor. I wanted the appointment to be productive, not one riddled with theories. I walked in to talk to my doctor and he reviewed the symptoms I had listed to the nurse that I was experiencing. He looked at my blood work and it looked perfect. There was nothing more that could be done with my thyroid. The levels were at just the right points. In that moment, I started to cry. I could no longer explain away my symptoms. I worried that I was destined to feel horrible forever.

My much older male doctor didn't flinch at my tears. He just started asking me about my life. He asked me if I was working outside the home. I told him I stay home with my little ladies. He asked me if I would be happier if I worked somewhere else. My reply was that I didn't want to leave my girls each day. At that moment he asked me something I never expected to be asked. He asked me if maybe I should be working. Is it possible that by staying home, I was making myself miserable? He told me he thought I was depressed. He suggested several ways I could try to improve my situation. He was concerned about Husband's schedule (he has been traveling from Tues to Thurs night most weeks). Finally he concluded that I needed to get more time to take care of myself. However I decided to do that was my decision.

He also recommended an anti-depressant. In that moment I was willing to try anything. He cautioned me to to expect too much too quickly. The meds would take some time to work. We scheduled another appointment for a month later and I went on my way. I took my first dose that day. I figured that I may as well get this show on the road. It was a Thursday. By Saturday I was noticing that I had more energy. I had a couple of side effects, but I felt better. By the following week, I was really noticing a huge difference. My coffee intake dropped dramatically. I was able to sleep better. I didn't have to convince myself to get up and take care of my girls each morning. I started thinking about what would be helpful to me.

I thought I would start a journal. After thinking about it some more, I decided I would write a blog about my experiences. I don't expect this to help other people. It truly is therapy to me. I also love books. Thus, this blog was born. I also started a project or two around the house.

I go back to my doctor tomorrow. I can't wait for him to see how much better I feel. I am enjoying myself for the first time since Panda Girl was born. I am able to see humor in everyday life again. Each setback is not the end of the world. The sky is no longer falling. My only regret is that I suffered for so long. Truly it took about a year of misery for me to give up and seek help. If I can reach only one person who is soldiering through in silence and convince her to get help, then I will feel as if my pain has not been in vain.

Pleasant Surprise

2009-09-07T12:10:00.001-05:00

As I have mentioned earlier, Sweet Pea started preschool this year (hallelujah!). When we were walking into the chaos of the first day of school last week, I was very nervous for her. She had met her teachers the previous Friday and had liked them. I just didn't know how she would respond once we got there and I left her.

When we met the teachers we were given a homework assignment. They sent us home with a large green construction paper leaf. We were told to put her family on the leaf and it would be displayed on a large family tree in the classroom. The leaf is due on Tuesday. Friday afternoon we had time, so we tackled the assignment. I was very unsure if Sweet Pea would embrace this assignment or resent having to do school work at home. In preparation for the assignment I had printed out lots of pictures of her family (including the dogs, as they are very important to her). She had a great time choosing the photos she liked best of each of us (grandparents and great-grandmothers included). I cut out the faces of everyone and watched her glue them on the paper. Her enthusiasm was exciting. Once it was finished she was wanting to carry it around with her. I was fearful it would not survive the abuse if Panda Girl go a hold of it. So, I laminated the finished product. That leaf has made the little ladies happy all weekend. They love looking at the pictures and Sweet Pea likes to tell stories about each person.

So often life disappoints us. I have appreciated how Sweet Pea has embraced school. It turns out my worries about the homework and the more arduous schedule were just that, my worries. She was not concerned at all. So, I am enjoying this gift of the unexpected and pleasant surprise. I don't know how long her enthusiasm will last. For now, I refuse to worry about it.